Der Patriot

Thieves steal a nuclear warhead from the American military. An ex-serviceman - who doesn't play by the rules - is called back into service to retrieve the missile.

This 80's action movie was directed by Frank Harris who also gave us Killpoint (1984). Both films are pretty shoddily put together, although Killpoint just shades this one in terms of entertainment value. Still, I have to say that for the most part I found The Patriot to be adequately okay in a time-passing sense. Its story is both simple yet confusingly told. But it still essentially manages to string together a series of action scenes that justifies its existence. It's also one of those movies which imply that acts of international terrorism involving high risk theft of nuclear weapons could possibly be carried out by disco dancing dunces who appear to possess the IQ of an Alsatian dog. Although this film also puts forward the idea that the American government would hand in a nuclear warhead to a shop to be mended! The cast is led by a guy called Gregg Henry who spends the entire time scowling at everybody and everything, Stack Pierce from Killpoint returns here as a genuinely evil looking dude, while there are a couple of small roles from name actors Leslie Nielsen (in a surreal comedy-free cameo) and Michael J. Pollard plays a character whose relevance to the story I am still trying to work out. On the whole, this is not very good but it is what it is.

It's not a 1, because you can't help but laugh at its lethargic plot hilarious 'characters' and woeful acting. Its ability to successfully not explain anything at all is a miracle of its own right, nevermind the stupidity of the badguys (hard of hearing too).

Fight scenes are ineptly shot, the underwater combat is just plain confusing as you can't tell who you're looking at during any one sequence (plus lovely editing means you're never sure if it's 3 seconds or 3 hours later).

Ah, terrible, so very very terrible. If this ever received anything other than the "Straight to Video" treatment then I'd be very surprised.

"A Fight For Freedom On The Ocean Floor!" When smugglers sneak into a nuclear storage facility and steal some nukes, only one man can stop them: ex-Navy SEAL and Vietnam vet Lieutenant Matt Ryder (Henry). Back in 'Nam he was known as "The Patriot". He assembles a team to help him, which includes Howard (Pollard) and Kenwood (Mike Gomez). The top Brass, Admiral Frazer (Nielsen) and Commander Mitchell (Conaway) oversee Ryder, who is one bad dude with an attitude. He wears his shades and rides his Harley to bars and picks up chicks. Will Ryder be able to stop the smugglers? Somehow this movie manages to fill up 90 minutes with not very much happening. There are only mere strands of a plot with some filler in-between. Sure, there are some familiar faces, which is nice, but it's not enough. NOT ENOUGH HAPPENS! However, if you want to see Michael J. Pollard play Twister with a cheerleader you can see it here.

There's a Barfight at The Chili Factory (that should have been the title for this movie, come to think of it) which is pretty lackluster, like the rest of this dull film. The dummies that steal the nuke, the guys that look like David Spade and Andre Agassi, are so dumb, it's hard to believe that A. They could break into ANY kind of facility and B. That they are a serious threat - so the movie has no suspense. The bad guys just dance around to the song "Dance the Night Away" by Randy and Liz Jackson. They're not exactly Ahmadinejad.

The babyish, cackling Pollard is always nice to see, as was Leslie Nielsen in a serious role. It was before he was typecast as a wacky comic actor. It's hard to believe, in 2010, that there was ever a time before Wrongfully Accused (1998) and 2001: A Space Travesty (2000), but there it is for the world to see. There was a scene with just Henry, Nielsen and Conaway in a room talking, which was cool, but it could have been awesome if there was some tension or fireworks.

The action largely takes place on an oil rig, and has to do with explosions. Is BP aware of this? It's almost eerie to watch. Almost. Technical notes: John Barrett of American Kickboxer 1 (1990) and Shootfighter (1992) fame and Kane Hodder of Friday the 13th fame are listed as Stuntmen. The screenplay was co-written by Katt Shea Ruben of The Devastator (1985) fame.

In all, this bland film could have used MORE - more action, more tension, more violence, more edge, more Nielsen, more ANYTHING! It's not BAD per se, but despite the good cast, The Patriot is, sadly, lacking.

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I payed to see this in the theater when it came out. My friend that went with me still hasn't forgiven me. For years after that this movie was our metric for measuring bad movies, as in "Man, that movie stunk almost as bad as The Patriot".

The only part of this movie I remember is when the good guy is storming an abandoned, rusty, offshore oil rig where the bad guys are, and he knocks one of the bad guys into the water. The bad guy sinks, but his M16 rifle floats...

I followed up the viewing of this movie with Sky Pirates about a week later. After that stinker ("man that was almost worse than The Patriot") my roommate stopped listening to my suggestions for movies to see.

I've found a TV channel that seems to be showing the whole back catalogue of the 'Crown International Pictures' production company and so far their output seems to have been pretty hopeless. THE PATRIOT is a cheap, poorly-cast action thriller that feels like an American Bond flick, with a loquacious cowboy taking on the role of the hero and some nondescript terrorists plotting to commit various atrocities.

Let's be honest here: this is poor stuff indeed, ineptly directed and with very tame and insipid action sequences. The real story seems to take forever to get going and when it finally does you wonder if it was worth it. The only thing this has going for it is a mini UNDER SIEGE scenario at the climax in which the hero and his buddies climb onto a ship populated by hijackers.

The erstwhile hero of the piece is played by the miscast Gregg Henry, better known to audiences for playing scuzzy characters in the likes of PAYBACK and SLITHER. Old timers Michael J. Pollard and Leslie Nielsen show up, the latter with such a deep voice that it sounds like he was dubbed. Everywhere THE PATRIOT is tame and predictable, and only huge fans of cheap 1980s cinema will get a kick out of it.