Kingdom of Gladiators

Gave this movie 1 star - only for lack of negative stars. They have taken, possibly the worst actors known to man, located them in some castle (with all kinds of modern day give-aways) and dressed them in a mix of cheap roleplay costumes and stuff from a junk sale. Effects looks like they were made by children as well as the 'combat' sequences that are slow AND incompetent. The actors are completely blank both, in action- and talking scenes and the storyline is utter crap. A more satisfactory use of your time could be reorganizing your sock drawer or counting the dust bunnies under the couch.....

It is a rare gem. B-Movie with sword-fighting boobies and hot villain in it. What else would you want for "so-bad-that-its-good" type of thing? Apparently nothing, but the director put incredible effort to make it unwatchable.

Movie starts with a king (who looks more like aged, retired postman (No offense to the honest postmen)) sitting in a field moaning about all the sins he have committed. He asks God for forgiveness, but all he gets is creature in a cape who is supposed to sound scary. Creature proposes deal to the king and before the latter answers anything, creature seals the deal.

Bad, bad, cheater creature with a cape.

Now the postman... sorry, his highness postman, has to give all his children to the bad, bad, cheater creature with a cape, but apparently decides to cheat too with her daughter Luna.

Years after, His highness Mr. Cheater Postman celebrates something with annual gladiatorial fights, when suddenly her HOT lost daughter arrives.

Then there is CGI-blood, female gladiator with big bottom, big breast and big head, something waking up, ugly woman warning the king about curse, more CGI-blood, bad fighting scenes, bad sex scene and ending credits.

It INDEED is one of the worst movies ever made in any country.

In the Italian/American production Kingdom Of Gladiators the sword and sorcery genre has found its own Plan 9 From Outer Space.

Starring a trio of pro-wrestlers (Matt Polinsky, Leroy Kincaid and Annie Social) as its ad hoc heroes, a supporting cast of LARPers (I don't know they were LARPers, I'm just guessing) and an Italian tourist castle as its main location, this movie is a laugh-a-minute from its opening spiel to its closing rainbow (yes, it ends with a rainbow!) Although the acting is uniformly dreadful across the board (not helped by an overwrought script from Marco Viloa and director Stefano Milla that randomly pads out sentences with meaningless portentous wordage), special mention has to go to the dead-pan "comedy" stylings of Bryan Murphy as King Wolfkahn - who pretty much steals the show with his monotonous, emotion-free delivery.

If you're not already crying with laughter by the time you spot Matt Polinsky's distinctive bomb-shaped neck tattoo then you haven't entered into the right spirit - and surely the impromptu wrestling match between him and Leroy when they're searching for the magic sword with their magic sunglasses should have tipped you off that this isn't Shakespeare.

What passes for a story in Kingdom Of Gladiators is the aftermath of a secret pact between Wolfkahn and agents of the Dark Lord to secure peace in his kingdom, Keemok, at the cost of his offspring (we later discover the demons aren't particularly on the ball here), but after ten years the demon Hel returns with some vague plan of wiping out humanity by resurrecting a giant earth elemental creature called Guano (or something).

Hel shows up in the form of Wolfkahn's superhot missing daughter Luna (Suzi Lorraine), the movie's main eye candy, and at the start of The Grand Tournament (to choose Wolfkahn's heir); a slight misnomer as a succession of stunt men (and women) in ragged armour fighting in a castle courtyard in front of an audience of about 50 peasants isn't exactly what I'd call "grand".

There's some mutterings about the demon needing a blood sacrifice, but that doesn't stop Wolfkahn from continuing with the tournament - and it has to be said that there is, at least, one cool kill during the fighting. However, most of it unfolds at a lamentably slow pace that totally lacks the trendy "bullet-time" slo-mo I suspect they were trying to emulate.

Every so often, odd things occur that are completely unexplained - the strangest of which is when one audience member suddenly stabs another and no-one takes any notice. I wondered if it was part of the demon's great scheme, but it was never referenced again.

People wander around, talking heads pop up every now-and-again with a new bit of exposition to move the plot on, Annie actually wears a chainmail bikini, there's some titillation (although no nudity), people die and the storyline hangs together with the barest of threads, but ultimately it doesn't matter.

Twisted genius that would make Ed Wood proud, Kingdom Of Gladiators is truly so awful it has to be seen to be believed - possibly with the aid of large quantities of alcohol - because although played straight it is actually one of the greatest comedies of the year.

Boy oh boy, what do we have here? To call it a steaming pile would be accurate, but as this is a SPECIAL type of bad film, we must dig deeper. The only possible reason for it's existence is that everyone involved lost some kind of major bet, or perhaps they were inflicted with some kind of temporary insanity. Either way, I bet they're disowned by their parents, grandchildren, pets etc. and quite right too. I would rather confess that one of my nearest and dearest was a chicken molesting hermaphrodite than admit they had any function in this...

But I'm getting ahead of myself... Where can I start? The opening scene is that of a very ugly man who OVEREMPHASISES EVERY WORD HE SAYS. He reminded me of a failed Shakespearean actor, who thinks talking in a loud, pompous voice shows emotion range. Guess what, it doesn't. We have to tolerate this idiot throughout, and it is my sincerest wish he is now reduced to playing the back end of a donkey on Brighton Pier.

And that's just for starters. Next up we find out that in this fictional world, everything is like in the Dark Ages. Except... there are tattoos, infra-red glasses... and BOOB JOBS. Yep, it's true... Check out the brunette 'warrior' when she walks in her scanty chain mail... them puppies don't bounce an inch. It's funny, but not hilarious as the accents, which vary between English, American and Gord-Knows-What. Strange place, these people inhabit. And just like the previously mentioned guy, none of them can act for toffee. If he's the rear of a donkey, perhaps they can play his manure. After all, they already stink at their job, so they're halfway there.

See the word GLADIATOR in the title and you think, there's gotta be some good fights, right? WRONG my friend. COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY WRONG. We're a long way from Russell Crowe here. We're talking more like fake WF wrestling matches here, with lots of cheesy little moves from fools in bad costumes. But even Hulk Hogan and co would be embarrassed by the terrible computerised blood and non-stop camera shaking going on, and the sum total is like one long self-made parody. If only it was...

And with the final revelation that the bad guy is one big Jim Henson puppet, the movie finally comes to a rest. Not me though... I'll be having nightmares about the experience for days. I would send the director the bill for my therapy, but on this evidence I doubt he could afford it. Maybe I'll be nice, and throw a penny into his tin cup on my way to the psychiatrist's. I know... I'm all heart... 1/10

B movies must surely now have a new "best of the worst ever" because this HAS to have been made as a dare. I beg for an explanation of how this got past censorship as being too cruel to an audience. Truly, movies are not these guys' strong suit. For those now curious to see this still, I feel like a guy waving his hands at oncoming traffic, warning them of the horrendous wreck just around the next bend. Slow down ! Don't go there ! You'll end up part of the pile-up ! If these people truly got financed to the tune of $3 mil to make this, then all I can visualize is a bunch of guys laughing as they skip the country with the cash. Oh, wait, they're in Italy... Do we have an extradition treaty with them ?