Criaturas del pantano

We rented this one because we pretty much knew it would suck and we figured either way, it would be fun. Anyway, last night, I finally got around to watching it and I was kind of surprised that it turned out to be somewhat watchable. The plot (what little there is) concerns a group of misfit teens being "selected" to go out and dig for junk where a bunch of "bog people" once lived. Once some corpses uhm, I mean artifacts are discovered, weird stuff starts to happen. That's it. Since we learn jack-all about the characters, you will not care about one single person here. There is no gore whatsoever and the creature (zombie) effects are pretty damn cheesy. Did you ever watch that show that used to play on Nickelodeon called "Are You Afraid Of The Dark"? Well, if you can remember back that far to what those effects looked like with all the fake fog and whatnot, then you can get a pretty good idea of what I'm talking about. It's on the same level.

Now, I just watched this last night and the only character that I even came close to liking was the guy who swallowed a pair of panties (!). I do remember a couple of cute girls running around (Don't get excited. There's no real nudity to speak of) and there was this guy who looked like he was trying to be a body double for Tommy Lee. His faux tough-guy persona was fun times. There was also this guy with a weird accent that showed up close to the beginning then just disappeared. That's too bad. He was funny. All in all, it's a pretty decent effort that makes good use of its low-budget (although, not nearly as well as "In The Woods").

I think the coolest part of the Dvd was the "making of" that was tacked on. Here, we get to go behind the scenes and meet the director. He's a pretty likeable guy with some interesting things to say. He gives us his definition of "guerilla film-making" and we learn about how the idea for the story was conceived.

If you're into b-horror, you may want to give this one a look. It's (if nothing else) worth a rental and the premise of a Viking/horror movie is actually kind of original in this day and age.

Fans of generic fun will have a fun time with "The Bog Creatures" and self-righteous "film connoisseurs" will be offended. I'm a little of both, so I just may be a good source...

It starts out with a hopelessly low-budget medieval battle (My dear friend/generic film buff, who rented this one, noticed a "knight" wearing a striped T-shirt!). The lazy filmmakers pay no attention to detail and don't even attempt authenticity. The low-grade DV cinematography doesn't help, either. Fortunately, the movie slips into some campy fun as the real story starts. Five bright and good-natured college flunkies (??) assist an ex-college flunkie in doing some excavation work in a Scottish bog (although it looks more like American woodlands). Nearby is an ancient castle in which mysterious events are tied to. The "ancient" castle has wooden walls, wooden-hinge doors and a brand spanking new paint job, but oh-well what can you do with lazy filmmakers. Suddenly, shamefully under-costumed bog creatures (wearing untainted shirts and khaki pants) turn the bog into their happy hunting ground. The typically formulaic story is surprisingly grounded, and never descends to an unwatchable bomb level. Director J. Christian Ingvordsen seems to know what goes into a pleasant, crowd pleasing horror flick, but he doesn't seem to have the means to achieve his goal. The screenplay, written by Matthew M. Howe is plain and simple rubbish, but it could have been cool rubbish had there been directed with a bigger budget.

There are fine women to be found, and not much of anything else. This is a pretty bad one, but I guess it could have been a lot worse. If your looking for a decisive recommendation or the opposite, I'd advise passing this one for sure (unless you are interested in seeing a man devour a woman's panties whole in one of the most absurd, if highly memorable, scenes).

Well, to spoil it all for you... the only nudity is in the first 15 seconds or so. And you see exactly what the bog "creatures" look like about 5 minutes later. There was no suspense, and I think it would be way out of line to call this a "horror" flick. Some good points... the acting was decent, and some parts were quite humorous. My favorite part was the ending... Get through all of it, and you'll know what I mean. Bottom line? Not completely terrible, but not really too watchable, either. 5/10 from me...

What we have here in BOG CREATURES is actually a decently made modern version of the C to Z grade creature feature thrillers of the 50s & 60s updated for the cell phone era. Which means nothing too remarkable in terms of plotting, acting, or execution. Sole purpose of the film is to part unwary viewers with 85 minutes of their time with relative ease and on as limited a budget as possible. The only attributes making it any different than HORROR OF PARTY BEACH or THE GIANT GILA MONSTER is some partial nudity during a flashback sequence and a squirm-inducing scene where the film's obnoxious horny pervert character stuffs a pair of ladies' knickers into his mouth. Ew.

One thing the movie does sort of have going for it is a admirable ambiguity as to just where on earth it was filmed. The plot is set in Norway with a visit to Amsterdam for an autopsy scene, but my eyes said Connecticut. Could be anywhere, really, giving fans of the movie something concrete to speculate over. Summer school for eager young filmmakers in Minnesota, perhaps. The cast also features attractive females in their 20s comfortable scampering around in their shorts & tank tops, including foxy Debbie Rochon beautifully spilling out of hers before she chews up the scenery with a burst of acting that none other in the cast can come close to. You can do worse with your time.

The premise also has some merit as well: Scandanavian peat field holds the corpses of several unfortunates thrown into what was once a bog to their fates, conjuring up images from old National Geographic magazines of mummified bog bodies. The corpses aren't happy about it and come back to a shuffling existence suitable for PG-13 rated fare. That they are depicted with low budget makeup effects consisting of muddy shawls & garlands of moss can't be held against the film, as it does not aspire to be an SFX study in rotting flesh, severed limbs and sexual violence. If anything it screams out as an attempt at a date movie rental with strong female roles, good looking semi-neutered guys handy for a body count who aren't as smart as the female lead, and a minimum of gratuity which might come off as sexist. She may think it's dumb but likely won't break it off over having agreed to watch it with you. Safe to rent.

Which unfortunately means that horror genre fans will likely find the results lacking in the sleaze, decadence and excess that the movies it resembles deliver. Consider THE EVIL DEAD with a PG rating, strip away its veneer of artistry, reign in the plot to remove anything too arresting and that's essentially what you get. For what its worth I'll confess to having sort of enjoyed watching it as well; wishing it had ended up as something else won't get us anywhere, and indeed there's room for another go at the motif if anybody is so inspired.

5/10

Selected by the world's most over-acted expert on "Irish bogs located somewhere in the Central U.S.", a group of college kids go to dig in a field somewhere in Arkansas, I mean, Ireland. Or maybe it was Norway. Or Sweden. Hell, it doesn't really matter because there isn't a bog within 300 miles of this movie. Unless I'm confused on my history and bog actually means "small dirt field with a few pine trees and some poorly hung fake moss."

Rumor has it that Viking warriors were buried in this bog and the expert professor has spent the last 10 years looking for their bodies. All of his colleagues think he is crazy for believing this.

Well not only is he crazy, he's also blind as a bat because these Nordic Zombie Warriors are all over the freakin' place. Seriously. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting an undead Berserker in the wee bits. In any outdoor scene you can be guaranteed there is at loeast one bog creature hanging out in the background. And our EXPERT can't spot one in 10 years?

Blah blah blah, terrible acting, 1200 year old undead Irish virgins who comprehend Modern English, witch descendants, THE END.