Le Crime au Cimetière Étrusque

The video of this I rented features lots of "Americanized" Italian names. I get how "Paolo Malco" (from MST3k's "Escape 2000") became "Paul Malco", but how did "Sergio Martino" become "Christia Plummer"?

Anyhoo, this French/Italian coproduction tells the incredibly unengaging tale of some drugs hidden in some ancient burial tomb thingee and some other stuff happens and there may or may not be supernatural forces at work. Alan Hale jr-look-a-like Van Johnson (MST3k's "San Fransisco International") gives loooong expositional scenes, and John Saxon (MST3k's "Mitchell") gets his head twisted backwards (and apparently the killer also switched his right and left hands). Another victim looks like a cross between Michael Caine and Elmer Fishpaw from "Polyester". The music by Fabio Frizzi is just the score from "Gates of Hell" used again. The special effects are just maggots- maggots on photos, maggots on hands, maggots on statues.

Anyway, it should go without saying, but don't watch this movie.

The true strength is its unpredictability. There's like three different plots all woven together (and not particularly well). Some of the locations and coloring/lighting is quite good. It's a pretty film to look at.

The acting is not particularly good. That being said, I've seen much worse before.

Although there are a number of genres mixed in here, the overarching genre is giallo/slasher. What it's really missing is the graphic violence and sexuality that so often punctuate giallo and slasher films. There's no payoff. The ending gimmick was really bad.

Horrified by a series of vivid dreams, a woman heads to Italy to look after her husband's excavation of an Etruscan tomb, but when a series of murders strikes those around her she and her friends race to find the truth about the treasure before more are killed by the maniac.

There's not a lot to like about this one. Among the few likable factors here come from the setup of the film focusing on the discovery of the tomb and what it means in terms of generating a murder spree to protect its contents. That there's a fantastic setup involving the mystery surrounding the connection between the old community and the series of dreams she has regarding their ceremonies coming to life and tormenting her. Not only is the imagery of the dreams and hallucinations rather impressive with the activity taking place in gloomy, Gothic dungeons and caves filled with ornate monuments and worms covering everything around them but the idea of the mystery about the whole thing being a cover for a drug-smuggling operation makes for some tense scenes inside the underground caves. However, beyond this, there's not much to enjoy here. Most of this is due to the jumbled and incredibly garbled presentation of the film being edited down from a lengthy miniseries adaptation. Originally broadcast in seven one-hour installments, editing this down into a nearly one-hundred-minute feature causes a lot of material to be lost just in general principle but also causes this one to feel somewhat plodding and lethargic even with a lot of excesses trimmed off it. The majority of what's in this version is based on excessively overlong dialogue scenes involving the disappearance of the husband and the notes left behind or the strange behavior of the father concerned about the contents of the tomb which are both included without much purpose for being here. So much of this one has very few explanations for what's going on and it seems to go about these factors as a given that it comes across as jumbled and underwhelming as a result. On top of that, the film also stumbles incredibly hard when it comes to a series of ineffectual and underwhelming series of action and stalking scenes that are somewhat plain and lifeless. The main culprit is due to the generally uninvolved method of killing by having everyone get their necks snapped and turned around to face the other side which is a somewhat lame means of death since there's little that can be done with it and it repeats itself as the main mode of death so often that it's not threatening all that much afterward. Even the lack of proper investigation into the killer comes off weak, and that there's also the lack of action here with a standard yet uninvolved car chase and shootout inside the tomb accounting for the main thrills here all comes off bland as a result. These factors all manage to bring this one down.

Rated Unrated/R: Language and Violence.

Director Sergio Martino started his directorial career in fine form, giving giallo fans several classics (my favourites being The Strange Vice of Mrs Wardh, Your Vice Is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key and The Suspicious Death of a Minor); he also directed the entertainingly trashy cannibal flick Slave of the Cannibal God (1978). However, by the end of the '70s, it seemed as though he had lost his knack for thriller/horror movies: after the mediocre creature feature Island of Mutations (1979) and the atrocious Jaws rip-off The Great Alligator (also '79), Martino turned his back on gialli and scary films to concentrate on comedy and action, the one exception being The Scorpion With Two Tails.

John Saxon (Enter the Dragon, A Nightmare on Elm Street) plays American archaeologist Arthur Barnard, who discovers an ancient Etruscan tomb, but who is murdered shortly after, his head twisted so that it is facing backwards. Arthur's widow, Joan (Elvire Audray), travels to Italy to help the police with their investigations; while there, she uncovers a drug-smuggling operation masterminded by her father. Meanwhile, whoever killed Arthur is continuing their murderous ways, twisting various people's noggins 180 degrees.

Starting life as a TV mini-series comprising of seven one hour long episodes, The Scorpion With Two Tails was edited down to ninety-eight minutes and released as a feature; unsurprisingly, the film feels incredibly disjointed and is often confusing, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it didn't make much sense in its entirety either. Adding to the awfulness is the diabolical central performance from Audray (who was clearly cast for her looks), the repetitive gore-free killings, and numerous dull dialogue-heavy scenes. Fabio Frizzi provides the score, but repurposes much of his own music from Fulci's City of the Living Dead, which makes the whole thing feel even more cheap.

2.5/10, rounded up to 3 for the always reliable Saxon: if only he had been in the film for longer.

Sergio Martino is one of the notable directors in the Euro-horror genre along with Mario Bava, Jess Franco, Jean Rollin, and others. My personal favorite of his movies is "The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh". His "Assassinio al cimitero etrusco" ("The Scorpion with Two Tails" in English) is an OK, not great movie. It's a convoluted story about a woman whose archaeologist husband gets murdered while looking through an ancient cemetery in Italy. Elvire Audray, who plays the lead role, looks as if she could have been one of Alfred Hitchcock's icy blondes. I haven't seen all of Martino's movies, but of the ones that I've seen I'd say that his best ones star Edwige Fenech*. This one is more mediocre. Other cast members include John Saxon (Roper in "Enter the Dragon" and the father in "A Nightmare on Elm Street") and Van Johnson (one of the stars from Hollywood's Golden Age).

*Quentin Tarantino referenced her in "Inglourious Basterds": Mike Myers's character is named Ed Fenech.