Guns

Only five films into my 'Girls, Guns and G-Strings' Andy Sidaris box set and I'm already struggling to find new ways of describing what is essentially the same damn movie every time: the same actors; the same characters; the same location; the same silly ingredients.

Guns replaces Sidaris regular Hope Marie Carlton with the equally gorgeous Roberta Vasquez and introduces a couple of reasonably cool B-movie stars as villains (Erik 'Ponch from CHiPs' Estrada and Danny 'Machete' Trejo)—everything else is exactly as one would expect: dumb plot; big breasted women in very skimpy outfits; hunks with bad hair; ridiculously large hand weapons; deadly remote control toys; and assorted men in drag (in this case, a pair of trannie assassins).

With a fraction more action than usual (there are some nice 'n' bloody squib shots), Roberta Vasquez getting topless on a motorbike, and suitably nasty deaths for both Estrada and Trejo, this one is possibly my favourite of the series so far. Then again, it might not be. It's hard to tell.

5.5 out of 10, generously rounded up to 6 for IMDb.

Dona Speir and Roberta Vasquez play sexpot federal agents in their first outing for writer / director Andy Sidaris. Donna Hamilton and Nicole Justin must foil the plans of bad guy Degas (Erik Estrada), a gun runner who continually sends hired guns after the two women. But Donna and Nicole have plenty of allies - the standard assortment of movie protagonists who make up for in visual appeal what they lack in acting ability - and firepower at their disposal.

Sidaris is once again following his expected formula to a tee - action, eye candy, exotic settings. You know the drill. Still, fervent Sidaris fans will likely enjoy the various goings-on, especially the way that he will always contrive ways to have the lovely ladies bare as much skin as possible. Fortunately, his sense of cheesy humour is apparent once again as well, and among the highlights along the way are a pair of assassins (Chu Chu Malave, Richard Cansino) who often dress in drag, a grenade sent by remote control boat, and a corpulent, cheerful good guy named Ace (veteran actor Chuck McCann, "The Heart is a Lonely Hunter") whose day job is magician for a night club. He interrogates two inept villains in a way that would make any "bad cop" proud.

Estrada does look like he's relishing this rare chance to be the bad guy, plus it's good to see grizzled tough guy actor Danny Trejo as his primary henchman. Overall, "Guns" is pretty similar to its follow-up, "Do or Die", and features a number of the same cast members, including Malave and Cansino. In the latter movie, they supplied heavy comedy relief. Here, they play it a little more "straight", even as they doll themselves up. Cynthia Brimhall sings two songs quite nicely. Devin DeVasquez ("Society") plays Degas' gal pal who wants to prove her worth as a killer, Phyllis Davis ("Beyond the Valley of the Dolls") is Speirs' mother, and George Cheung (the Vietnamese heavy in "Rambo: First Blood Part II") appears briefly.

Oh, and the story? Dumb as hell, but who ever watches *these* things for the story?

Six out of 10.

"Guns" is a strange movie: its sensibilities seem to be both sexist AND feminist. On the one hand, almost all the women have to undress at one point or another, usually gratuitously; on the other hand, the girls-with-guns sequences are played without condescension, the female agents are treated as equal partners by the men and, more often than not, THEY take charge. The action is not particularly well-done; in fact the whole film plays as if it was directed by a teenage boy trying to make a "real" movie. But how can you hate a film that contains female oil wrestling, an interrogation done with the help of a magic hat, a grenade on a remote-controlled model boat AND the incomparable Danny Trejo as the villain's No.1 henchman? (**1/2)

"Guns" was an easy way to kill an afternoon with some friends. The low budget action is passable but it's the women and the nudity that keep your attention. Not a lemon in the bunch. I don't plan on watching "Guns" again. I don't even think I'll remember much of it tomorrow. I do hope I remember what was maybe the greatest piece of dialogue ever: "Don't do something, stand there!" Honorable mention: a dreamy Roberta Vasquez.

Boy...does this director Sidaris like to blow s**t up-but he just ain't good at it. The special effects look like they were staged in a six year olds sandbox. But you get some sweet eye candy in ex-Playboy Bunnies Dona Speir and Roberta Vasquez-unfortunately, both have no concept to emoting. And, without a doubt, you get (maybe) THE worst line ever uttered in a low-budget actioneer:

As bombs (or whatever) are blowing up around poor Dona she grabs some kind of plastic assault rifle and hollers at her male partner "Don't just do something...stand there!" and proceeds to shoot up the horizon. How can you not love it?

***** stars out of 10-mainly for the luscious Ms. Vasquez. BOING!