crashdavis18

This show is great. The acting is great. The writing is, but for one exception so far, great. This season has been great.

Someone already posted a review which averted to the fact that nothing in this episode advanced a character arc or the plot, so I won't repeat that. Instead, as I watch the final few minutes and queue up the next episode, let me imagine the things that I could have instead done with the last hour of my life which would have been more useful:

• waited for mould to appear in my toilet, then cleaned it;
• watched people walking their dogs in front of my house, then waited for a squirrel to scamper by, just so that I could wait for the classic dog trope: 'squirrel'!
• contemplated the lack of food options in my fridge and cupboard, then contemplated making some sort of lunch, then instead ordering from UberEats, just like breakfast;
• ironed a shirt for work tomorrow, so that I don't have to wake up in a drunken stupor and then scramble to do it at the last minute;
• gone out and bought a new, pressed shirt, so that I could ignore the entire 'ironing' thing;
• had at least 6 shots of tequila, then drunk-texted an ex, who I still remember fondly yet know I should never contact again;
• re-evaluated my lifelong overuse of commas;
• stared at the leaves falling off of trees and contemplated the randomness of how they never fall from the same part of the tree in any sort of predictable pattern;
• written a rambling post on the subject of how, if one is going to hire some sort of lawyer as a 'technical advisor', one might want to hire someone who has the capacity to get at least 50% of the legal stuff correct;
• turned on the music keyboard I bought about a year ago, in the hope that having it so conveniently close would inspire me to actual practise on the damned thing;
• bought a bunch of stamps with the expectation that I might become interested in becoming a philatelist, only to put them in a drawer, never to be seen again;
• gone on a Tinder date, only to be abandoned within minutes, by a girl who was never to be seen again;
• gone to a bar, drank a bunch of alcohol for which I paid $100, where neither the alcohol or $100 would ever be seen again;
• read at least two chapters of an old, favourite book, which book didn't hurt my brain as much as this episode of the series.

Look at that, the next episode has started. Onward and upward; hope springs eternal.

This movie was so boring that I started looking at the profiles of the 9 and 10-star reviewers. With maybe one or two exceptions, each of those reviewers had only ever reviewed one movie, ... this one. Obviously, friends, family and those involved with this movie, trying to boost the ratings of what is a terrible waste of time. To be fair, there was an 8 star review whose author had reviewed three whole movies, all of which were written by Schuyler Brumley. Hey Schuyler, any chance that you're horrorfan2019?

I don't have a lot of fun criticizing creative people for having put effort into a movie but, just because there are so many fake positive reviews of this film, just some of the things that bothered me:

• a tired, cliched premise, executed poorly: cabin in the woods; no cell phone reception; car won't start; nameless, faceless, psychopathic killers who have no motivation.

• a horribly paced move, which drags throughout, resulting in me surfing IMDB and writing this review.

• stupid characters, acting in irrational ways, making suicidal decisions.

• fricken' found footage, which is the laziest and most annoying form of movie-making ever invented. Just an excuse for people who have no idea how to properly use a camera. I hate you 'Blair Witch Project' for popularizing this horrible, evil genre.

The smash cuts to wildlife, which I can only assume were meant to be foreshadowing or metaphors of some type, were also annoying but at least not an exhausted trope.

Tack on an ending that may supposed to be a shocking plot twist but is, in fact, completely incomprehensible and you have maybe threes stars.