- Marcus: [after finding Shapiro's stuff and finding out he's a fraud] Anyone else have any more secrets? 'Cause if I find out someone else is lying, I swear I'll kill you myself!
- [starts shining the flashlight at everyone; eventually spots Jenna crying]
- Jenna: I didn't really go to NYU. It was my first choice, but I didn't get in. So, I went to Hofstra.
- Rev. Zombie: [answering the door to Ben and Marcus] What do you want?
- Ben: Uh... we wanted to do a haunted swap tour.
- Rev. Zombie: I don't do night tours anymore; I'm not allowed to.
- Ben: Okay, it's just that our friends told us that you did one here last year.
- Rev. Zombie: I can't do night tours anymore. Insurance got too high after what happened.
- Marcus: Too bad. Let's roll.
- Ben: Wait, wait, wait... What happened?
- Rev. Zombie: Oh, you don't want to know.
- Ben: [eagerly] I so do.
- Marcus: [rolling his eyes] Here we go.
- Rev. Zombie: I had a tour group...
- [organ music starts playing]
- Rev. Zombie: out in the swamp, last Halloween. It was the midst of night.
- Ben: Yeah?
- Rev. Zombie: And there was this kid...
- [to Marcus]
- Rev. Zombie: who looked kind of like you...
- [resuming the story]
- Rev. Zombie: he got spooked by something in the marsh. He saw two eyes staring at him from the woods. It chilled him to his very marrow. He wanted to get off the boat in a hurry, and he had his foot dangling over the edge. He...
- Ben: He fell in?
- Marcus: A gator got him?
- Ben: What happened?
- Rev. Zombie: He slipped... hit his head right on the roof...
- [organ music suddenly stops]
- Rev. Zombie: AND SUED ME FOR NEGLIGENCE! THAT COCKSUCKER!
- Ben: [disappointed] That's it?
- Jenna: [sarcastically, to Misty] What a genius! You do know the vibrator goes in your cooch and not your ear, right?
- Jenna: [Misty has her phone out] Who are you gonna call? Daddy?
- Misty: Shut up, you nasty bitch! I'll call the police and they'll send someone!
- Jenna: Who?
- Misty: The cops! Duh!
- Jenna: [in disbelief] The police are gonna send the cops? They're the same thing!
- Misty: No, they're not! There is a difference!
- Misty: [unfamiliar with New Orleans, dialing cell phone] Are you sure the number is 9-1-1? If it's the South, maybe you have to type in a different area code.
- Misty: [on finding out that the so-called producer, who was making her pose topless, was really a phony] Slimeball! I can't believe I've fallen for their phony stories 3 times now.
- Jim Permatteo: Nice camera, you making a movie?
- Shapiro: Yeah.
- Jim Permatteo: [to Shannon] Well, what do you know, lovekins? We've got ourselves a director over here!
- Shannon Permatteo: How exciting! What kind of movie is it?
- Shapiro: Well, have you ever heard of Bayou Beavers?
- Jim Permatteo: [enthusiastically] Sure!
- Shannon Permatteo: [confused] No.
- Jim Permatteo: [realizing his wife is sitting right next to him] No.
- Shawn: But you only shot him once, right? Maybe you gotta shoot him more times. Like four- or six- maybe you gotta shoot him six times?
- Ben: Come on, this is gonna be fun.
- Marcus: About as fun as crabs.
- Ben: You would know.
- Marcus: Screw that waitress from Fezzywigs, man.
- Ben: You did.
- Marcus: I didn't know she had bugs in her bush!
- Ben: She was scratching herself all night! What do you mean you didn't know? You can't hook up with itchy chicks, Marcus. Everyone knows that.
- Marcus: She said it was a reaction to her fabric softener. I saw it, I asked.
- Ben: Fabric softener!
- Marcus: Look at you Mister Bigshot. Everyone knows that. When's the last time you got laid?
- Ben: ...I have sex all the time...
- Marcus: -shut up.
- Ben: This place is disgusting! Our hotel room smells like sweaty balls! Everyone is just drunk and looking for a fight- and you! You threw up six times yesterday, how do you even do that?
- Shawn: Now here on the Mississippi bayou, hundreds of fishermen and old pirates have lost their lives... and if we're lucky, we might just see their souls floatin' over the waters where they up and died.
- Jenna: I was moving to Hollywood next month to be famous, now I'm going to die out here with all of you assholes!
- Ben: Haven't you seen enough boobs? I'm just not feeling this. I- I should have stayed at home.
- Buddy #1: What, so you can sit in your room and cry about Heather?
- Ben: Christine.
- Marcus: Ben, man, we came down here to have a good time. You? You're fighting it! There's fun all around you! Stop standing there like a bitch!
- Ben: How is this fun? This place is disgusting. Our hotel room smells like sweaty balls. Everyone's just drunk and looking for a fight- you! You threw up six times yesterday, how do you even do that?
- Jenna: I can't believe I am out here in a swamp. I bet Julia Roberts didn't have to go through this before she got Mystic Pizza.
- Shawn: [Telling a story about Victor Crowley at the fake house] Victor Crowley, hatchet face! Legend is that, uh, he was a deformed man whose own father went nuts and whacked him in the face with a hatchet one night. All by account that he was so ugly or...
- [looks at card]
- Shawn: something... anyway, he died. As so, the story goes that if you're ever near the old Crowley house late at night, you can still hear ol' Victor Crowley crying for his daddy...
- [lowering his voice]
- Shawn: daaaaaaaaddyyy...
- [gasp]
- Shawn: Y'all hear that?
- [Gulps and lowers his voice again]
- Shawn: Daaaaaaaaaaddyyy...
- [gasp]
- Shawn: I heard it again!
- Marybeth: That ain't the story.
- Shawn: Well, that's the gist of it, anyway.
- Marybeth: That's not even the house.
- Shawn: CHRIST, WILL YOU JUST LET ME DO MY JOB?
- [starts shouting in Chinese; stops, seeing he just went out of character and goes back to his Southern voice]
- Shawn: Y'all try the crawfish yet?
- Ben: I'm Ben.
- Marybeth: [blandly] Mary Beth.
- Ben: Marybeth? That's a great name, because it's, it's actually two names. Most people just have one and that's kinda boring. Like Ben. But Marybeth, that's Mary *and* it's Beth. That's a nice coat.
- Marcus: [looks at him puzzled]
- Ben: So do you have any pets?
- Marcus: [smacks him on the back of the head]
- Ben: [to Marybeth] Are you enjoying Mardi Gras?
- Shawn: [Marcus and Shawn are propping up the injured Mr. Permatteo on both sides] Yo, why is it that the crackers are back there with the honeys and the two brothers gotta carry the injured dude? I am so sorry, I never meant for any of this to happen.
- Marcus: I just want to get to a road, then I'm gonna whup your ass.
- Ben: [when they find 2 sets of I.D.s in Shapiro's wallet] Samuel M. Barrett; Whitman Diagnostics, Senior Marketing Manager... Doug Shapiro; Producer, Director.
- Jenna: That asshole! I flew all the way down here from New York and he... AH!
- Misty: So he didn't really work for Bayou Beavers?
- Ben: I'm thinking no.
- Marcus: Dude must pretend he's a producer to get his own collection.
- [to himself]
- Marcus: Good idea.
- Misty: That pervert! Why are all men such slime? I can't believe I've fallen for this shit 3 times now!
- Shawn: Off to the left, you'll see something you don't see everyday, but I do, heh heh... real live Cypress trees! Now hey, what did the Spanish boy say to the Cypress? 'Mind if I HANG around?' Ho hoo, sometimes, I'll tell that joke in Español.
- Jim Permatteo: Hey, isn't the Cypress a Louisiana state tree?
- Shawn: I bet it sure is.
- Jim Permatteo: Yes, it was 1963, the Fall Cypress.
- Shawn: Ho now, only room for one guide on this boat now.
- Marybeth: [telling the real story of Victor Crowley] It was like a dirty secret. Victor Crowley was born horribly disfigured. His daddy kept him hidden away in his house, where no one would see him. They lived like that for years, just keeping to themselves, alone. Victor was scared to death of other kids. They teased him and tortured him like kids do. They were so cruel. And then, years later on Halloween night, some teenagers came to the house. They were trying to get a look at him, trying to scare him out of the house.
- [the flashback shows the teenagers throwing firecrackers at the Crowley house until it starts catching fire]
- Marybeth: Mr. Crowley came home and he tried and tried to get inside, but the door was on fire. He could hear Victor screaming inside, but he couldn't get in. So, he ran and got himself a hatchet, and he started chopping at that door. But Victor was pressed up against the other side, trying to get out. It was an accident, but he hit him in the face with that hatchet and poor Victor Crowley died. The old man became a recluse after that. He never left his house, just sat there for 10 years before he finally died of a broken heart. And from that point on, people started disappearing in this swamp. Although, locals and hunters say that if you get close enough to the Crowley house at night, you can still hear Victor Crowley... crying for his daddy in the woods.
- Marybeth: My daddy and my brother went out hunting on this river two nights ago and they never came back. The cops said they're probably just off on a bender or something somewhere, but I know that isn't what happened.
- Shawn: So you go on a ghost tour? How does that make any sense?
- Marybeth: Well, 30 bucks for a boat ride was a hell of a lot cheaper than getting my own boat, wasn't it?
- Misty: That still doesn't explain the gun!
- Ben: Yeah, and why her ticket was only 30 bucks!
- Marcus: [Ben wants to go on a haunted swamp tour instead of partying in Mardi Gras] This is so lame! How is this gonna help you get over her?
- Ben: Marcus, this whole scene back here, it's just... every hot half-naked chick I see reminds me of Christine, you know? Probably getting banged by that Bulkowski guy... in our living room, bent over that beige loveseat that MY MOM bought her! What happened to dating a normal guy? That guy's got a neck the size of a truck! And that Cauliflower ear? That's weird! What, is he gonna wrestle her to submission?
- Marcus: Alright, stop stop stop! I don't wanna think about Bulkowski banging your girl anymore!
- Ben: I don't either.
- Shawn: Are y'all ready to see something really scary? Huh? Are you all ready? Everyone who's ready say, "Oh yeah!"
- [silence]
- Shawn: Okay, I'm gonna do it anyway. Here we go.
- [stops the boat]
- Shawn: Okay, folks. I'm gonna shut the lights off for a second. And once your eyes adjust, you'll be able to see some of the ghost lights just hovering above the water over to the right at Kwaj Island.
- [powers off the lights on the boat]
- Shawn: [moments pass]
- Jenna: I don't see anything.
- Shawn: Uh, just wait 'til your eyes adjust.
- Misty: They're adjusted, there's just nothing there.
- Shapiro: Hey, can we get those lights going again? You're killing all my camera shots.
- [suddenly, marsh vapors start materializing]
- Shannon Permatteo: Jim, look! I think I see something!
- Shawn: That's right! Yeah, you see? Not one, but TWO ghosts! See? I told y'all!
- Jim Permatteo: Isn't that just a chemical reaction from the water and the gases?
- Shawn: NO NO NO, MAN! It's the ghosts! Look!
- Marcus: Nah, bro. Those are marsh vapors. I've seen this on TV.
- Shawn: [frustrated] Hell, man, why'd ya even all come then? They're ghosts!
- Marcus: Oh, you're right!
- [pause]
- Marcus: Except no.
- [Marcus and Jenna laugh. Marcus looks over to see Jenna scratching her crotch; he takes his arm away from behind her on the seat]
- Marcus: Dammit...
- Shawn: Who's ready to do some haunting, huh? Ha ha ha! The night will soon be upon us! The spirits of the damned are on the rise! Let's get our souls on the move, my friends!
- [sees Ben and Marcus]
- Shawn: What can I do you two for?
- Ben: Do you do a haunted swamp tour?
- Shawn: Why- Why, I do the ONLY haunted swamp tour!
- [starts doing cheap magic tricks]
- Shawn: Real live ghosts, tales of the macabre, and actual sites that are damned by... voodoo curses.
- Marcus: [to Ben] I hate you.
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