- George Washington McLintock: Becky! Come here. There's somethin' I ought to tell you. Guess now's as good a time as any. You're gonna have every young buck west of the Missouri around here tryin' to marry you - mostly because you're a handsome filly, but partly because I own everything in this country from here to there. They'll think you're gonna inherit it. Well, you're not. I'm gonna leave most of it to... well, to the nation really, for a park where no lumbermen'll cut down all the trees for houses with leaky roofs. Nobody'll kill all the beaver for hats for dudes nor murder the buffalo for robes. What I'm gonna give you is a 500-cow spread on the Upper Green River. Now that may not seem like much, but it's more than we had, your mother and I. Some folks are gonna say I'm doin' all this so I can sit up in the hereafter and look down on a park named after me, or that I was disappointed in you -- didn't want you to get all that money -- but the real reason, Becky, is because I love you, and I want you and some young man to have what I had, 'cause all the gold in the United States Treasury and all the harp music in Heaven can't equal what happens between a man and a woman with all that growin' together. I can't explain it any better than that.
- George Washington McLintock: [through gritted teeth after knocking Jones down and taking his shotgun] Now, we'll all calm down!
- Drago: Boss, he's just a little excited.
- George Washington McLintock: I know, I know. I'm gonna use good judgement. I haven't lost my temper in forty years, but, pilgrim, you caused a lot of trouble this morning. Mighta got somebody killed... and somebody oughta belt you in the mouth, but I won't, I won't. The hell I won't!
- [belts Jones in the mouth]
- George Washington McLintock: Cuthbert H. Humphrey, Governor of our territory, is a cull. Do you know what a cull is, ma'am? A cull is a specimen that is so worthless that you have to cut him out of the herd. Now if all the people in the world were put in one herd, Cuthbert is the one I would throw a rope at.
- George Washington McLintock: I guess this is the only engagement that ever started off of a spanking.
- George Washington McLintock: [after falling down the stairs for a third time] Drago, I am sleeping in the den!
- George Washington McLintock: [McLintock and his family stand on the porch looking up at Ching the cook. Ching stands there with a rather large meat cleaver] Well, you old Cantonese reprobate, how 'bout it?
- Ching: Ya fire me? I kill myself!
- George Washington McLintock: I'm not talkin' about "firing" you I'm *RETIRING* ya! You've been rustlin' food for us for thirty years! We're gonna put you out to pasture. All you'll have to do is give advice, be one of the family!
- Ching: I kill myself!
- George Washington McLintock: I may save you the trouble.
- Drago: Hey, Ching, you kill yourself, I'll cut of your pigtail and y'ain't never gonna get to Heaven!
- [swishes his pocketknife at Ching; Ching pauses]
- Ching: I'll be one of the family?
- George Washington McLintock: I give you my solemn word.
- Ching: Pretty crummy family! Drink too muchies! Get in fights! Yell alla time!
- George Washington McLintock: [gestures at Drago] Cut off his pigtail!
- [Drago starts to walk up the stairs, pocketknife in hand]
- Ching: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I BE ONE OF THE FAMILY!
- [chatters in Cantonese]
- George Washington McLintock: You know, if we had any moral character, we wouldn't be standing here covered with mud drinking when we should be washing.
- Drago: [raises his glass] G.W.?
- George Washington McLintock: [raises his glass] Drago.
- [they tough knuckles and down their drinks]
- [Curly indicates a hat hanging from the weather vane]
- Curly Fletcher: Makes seven times this month he come home swoggled.
- Drago: Only six.
- Curly Fletcher: Seven!
- Drago: Six! Once was his birthday. They don't count.
- Becky McLintock: Oh, you poor dear!
- Devlin Warren: "Poor dear?" You'd o' had me shot in cold blood!
- Becky McLintock: But it didn't happen!
- Devlin Warren: Yelling I insulted you an all! What you need is a good spanking.
- Becky McLintock: But Dev... Daddy?
- George Washington McLintock: Leave me out of this.
- Devlin Warren: I think I'll give you what you deserve!
- Becky McLintock: You wouldn't dare!
- Devlin Warren: Oh, WOULDN'T I? You'll THINK next time before you have someone shot! And this kickin' and yelling isn't gonna help you!
- George Washington McLintock: I saw your picture in the paper at the Governor's Ball. You were dancing with the governor.
- Katherine McClintock: At least he's a gentleman.
- George Washington McLintock: I doubt that. You have to be a man first before you're a gentleman. He misses on both counts.
- Drago: That divorce business, is that whatcha get when you pay a woman not to live with ya?
- George Washington McLintock: That's about it.
- Drago: Some women I've know'd it be worth it.
- George Washington McLintock: Agard, if you knew anything about Indians, you'd know that they're doing their level best to put up with our so-called 'benevolent patronage' in spite of the nincompoops that've been put in charge of it!
- George Washington McLintock: You women are always raising hell about one thing when it's something else you're really sore about. Don't you think it's about time you told me what put the burr under your saddle about me?
- Katherine McClintock: [walking out of her bedroom to find G.W. and Mrs. Warren entwined at the bottom of the stairs] What's going on here?
- George Washington McLintock: [Intoxicated, with Mrs. Warren sitting on his lap] Now Katherine, are you going to believe what you see, or what I tell you?
- Train Engineer: Hey, Davey!
- Davey Elk: Yeah?
- Train Engineer: Got something for ya! Yard master up the junction told me to let 'em ride, so I locked 'em in here. I've had my scalp a long time, and I aim to keep it!
- [opens boxcar to reveal four Indian chiefs]
- George Washington McLintock: [the two argue heatedly over whom their daughter will stay with] No go, Kate.
- Katherine McClintock: I hate you. Oh, how I hate you.
- George Washington McLintock: Half the people in the world are women. Why does it have to be YOU that stirs me?
- [passionately kisses Katherine]
- Katherine McClintock: You animal!
- Devlin Warren: About that job, Mr. McLintock.
- George Washington McLintock: I already told you, son, I've got no need for farmers or use for 'em.
- Devlin Warren: Just one minute, Mr. McLintock. My father died last month. That's how come we lost our homestead. I've got a mother and a little sister to feed. I need that job badly.
- George Washington McLintock: What's your name?
- Devlin Warren: Devlin Warren.
- George Washington McLintock: Well, you got a job, son. See my home ranch foreman. He's over at the corral.
- [having overheard them, Bunny Dull chuckles, embarrassing Devlin]
- Devlin Warren: [to G.W.] Step down off of that carriage, mister!
- [swings at McLintock but gets thrown into a horse and onto the ground]
- Devlin Warren: [to Drago] Hold that hog leg!
- [to Devlin]
- Devlin Warren: I've been punched many a time in my life but never for hiring anybody.
- Devlin Warren: [dusting himself off] Ah, I don't know what to say. Never begged before. Turned my stomach. I suppose I should have been grateful you gave me the job.
- George Washington McLintock: "Gave?" Boy, you got it all wrong. I don't give jobs, I hire men.
- Drago: You intend to give this man a full day's work, don'tcha boy?
- Devlin Warren: You mean you're still hirin' me, Mr. McLintock? Well, yes, sir. I mean, I'll certainly deliver a fair day's work.
- George Washington McLintock: And for that I'll pay you a fair day's wage. You won't "give" me anything and I won't "give" you anything. We both hold up our heads. Where do you live?
- Devlin Warren: The settlers' encampment down by the mine.
- George Washington McLintock: [gestures to a horse] That your plug?
- Devlin Warren: Yes, sir.
- George Washington McLintock: Well, hop on him and we'll... go get your gear.
- Becky McLintock: What I'd rather do, Daddy, is drive Junior home in our barouche. It's a lovely evening and I'm sure Uncle Drago wouldn't mind driving.
- Drago: I would, and I got the kind of manners don't keep me from sayin' so just to be polite.
- Lem: Say, Mr. Mac, what does "unprepossessing" mean?
- George Washington McLintock: I was called that once, Lem. Looked it up in the dictionary. It's best you don't know what it means.
- Lem: Uh-huh. Thank ya.
- Carter: It's a nice mornin', ain't it, boss?
- George Washington McLintock: Everybody's entitled to their own opinion.
- Carter: Like that again, eh? Here's somethn' that'll cheer you up. About a thousand head. I figure they'll bring about $1250.
- George Washington McLintock: They're not as fat as I'd like to ship. They all off of the north range?
- Carter: Yes, sir.
- [a new activity distracts them]
- Carter: Settlers. Every one of 'em with a plow and a bible. Not the slightest idea what the range is for.
- George Washington McLintock: Drago! Drag out that hog leg.
- Drago: Yes, sir.
- George Washington McLintock: Get me some attention.
- Drago: [fires a shot in the air] Yeehaw! People, people, people! People! Come on all of ya. Gather 'round! People, come on. Gather 'round!
- George Washington McLintock: I'm McLintock. You people plan to homestead and farm the Mesa Verde.
- Farmer 1: Yes, sir. The government give us each a hunerd and sixty acres.
- George Washington McLintock: The government never gave anybody anything. Some years back a lot like you come in, had a pretty good first year, good summer, easy winter, but the next year the last rain was in February, and by June even the jack rabbits had sense enough to get off the Mesa.
- Matt Douglas: Folks, do you know who that is? That's McLintock. George Washington McLintock.
- George Washington McLintock: I told them that, Douglas.
- Matt Douglas: He controls the water rights on two hundred square miles of range. You know that lumber you got? It came from his land, cut by his loggers and milled in his mill.
- George Washington McLintock: Douglas, I come close to killin' you a couple of times when we were younger. Saddens me I didn't.
- Matt Douglas: Can you imagine a man who owns all that -- oh-oh and mines too, I forgot to mention them -- all that and he's begrudgin' poor people a measly -- a MEASLY -- one hundred sixty acres.
- Farmer 2: That right, Mr. McLintock? You begrudge us a little free land?
- George Washington McLintock: There's no such thing as free land. You make these homesteads go, you'll have earned every acre of it, but you just can't make 'em go on the Mesa Verde. God made that country for buffalo. Serves pretty well for cattle, but it hates the plow -- and even the government should know that you can't farm 6000 feet above sea level!
- Sheriff Jeff Lord: Any trouble here, Mr. McLintock?
- George Washington McLintock: No trouble, Jeff.
- Sheriff Jeff Lord: How 'bout you, Douglas.
- Matt Douglas: "Douglas." Just plain "Douglas," eh? And you call him MISTER McLintock. Why?
- Sheriff Jeff Lord: Well, Douglas, I guess it's because he earned it.
- Devlin Warren: Mr. McLintock?
- George Washington McLintock: Yeah?
- Devlin Warren: I'm a good hand with cattle, Mr. McLintock. I'd like a job.
- George Washington McLintock: Well, you look strong enough. You come in with those sooners?
- Devlin Warren: Well, yes, sir, but we don't have a homestead and...
- George Washington McLintock: Can't use you.
- Becky McLintock: [storming in after taking Junior home] Daddy? Daddy! I have never been so humiliated in my entire life!
- Devlin Warren: [walking in after Becky] I said what I said and I'll stand by it to the death!
- Becky McLintock: [to GW] Shoot him, Daddy! Shoot him at once!
- George Washington McLintock: Wh... why?
- Becky McLintock: My honor is at stake!
- George Washington McLintock: Well, now, your honor...
- Becky McLintock: Absolutely! He IMPUGNED my honor!
- George Washington McLintock: Impugned? What does that mean?
- Becky McLintock: Slander! He SLANDERED my honor!
- George Washington McLintock: He did?
- Devlin Warren: I said what I said and I'll stand by it to the death!
- Becky McLintock: He ADMITS it, see? Shoot him!
- George Washington McLintock: Well, what is he admitting to?
- Becky McLintock: Why, he called me a... I don't wanna even repeat the word!
- Devlin Warren: I didn't necessarily call you anything, but I said what I said and I'll stand by it to the death!
- George Washington McLintock: Well, just for the tally books, what DID you say?
- Devlin Warren: I said that any girl who would permit a man to kiss her before they're formally engaged is a TROLLOP!'
- Becky McLintock: HE SAID IT AGAIN! SHOOT HIM!
- Becky McLintock: If you're my father, if you love me, you'll shoot him.
- George Washington McLintock: Well, I'm your father, and I sure love ya, so...
- [grabs a pistol from his cabinet and shoots Devlin]
- Becky McLintock: [shocked] Oh, you shot him! You really shot him!
- Devlin Warren: Hey!
- Becky McLintock: If he dies...
- George Washington McLintock: [interrupts] If he dies, he'll be the first man ever killed with a blank cartridge. We use this to start the races on the fourth.
- Devlin Warren: Hey, I'm on fire here!
- [Becky and Matt Douglas Jr. come upon a fight]
- Becky McLintock: Such vulgarity. Someone should do something about it.
- Matt Douglas Jr: You're right... absolutely right.
- [he puts on his glasses and watches more closely; Becky does a double-take]
- George Washington McLintock: [Devlin walks away from his chess game] Dev! What are you doin'?
- Devlin Warren: Oh, I, uh... I just thought I'd get another cigar.
- George Washington McLintock: Well you've got one in your mouth and two burning in the tray... and that move.
- George Washington McLintock: Hello, Ben.
- Ben Sage: Hey, McLintock.
- George Washington McLintock: [tossing coat to Drago] Drago, throw that in the buggy.
- Drago: Yes, sir.
- Ben Sage: That's a scrubby bunch of sooners, huh?
- George Washington McLintock: They are at that.
- Young Ben Sage: That ought to make Douglas happy, lining his pockets with land fees.
- Ben Sage: What are we gonna do?
- George Washington McLintock: I don't know what you're going to do, Ben. Me, I do nothing.
- Young Ben Sage: Two hundred families. Quarter of beef a week per family. They last two years, that could be a sizable number.
- George Washington McLintock: I got twenty head to one of any other brand on the Mesa Verdi. I'm not hollerin'.
- Young Ben Sage: Some of us haven't got all the money in the world, and some of us ain't old and-and tired and feel like bein' put upon.
- George Washington McLintock: You interest me, young Ben. Go on.
- Young Ben Sage: So the first time I find one of our hides wearin' our brand hung on one of them settlers' fences, I aim to kill me a plow boy. You do what you want, McLintock. We'll do what we want.
- George Washington McLintock: Fellas my age generally call me G.W. or McLintock. Youngsters call me Mr. McLintock.
- Young Ben Sage: All right. Mr. McLintock -- not because I'm afraid of ya. You're the big yeast outta this country and I recon a fella my age SHOULD call you mister.
- [rides off]
- Ben Sage: He's full grown now, G.W. He's a half-owner of the spread. I made him a full partner the day the doc gave me the long face.
- George Washington McLintock: Well, you want him to vote the first time this territory becomes a state, don't ya?
- Ben Sage: Course I do.
- George Washington McLintock: These settlers get burned out, there'll be a lot of hollerin' that this country's too wild to be a state, and we'll go on being a territory some more with a lot of political appointees runnin' it according to... what they learned in some college where they think that cows are something you milk, Indians are something in front of a cigar store.
- [Ben chuckles]
- George Washington McLintock: I'm lookin' to you to hold young Ben down.
- Ben Sage: I'll do what I can.
- George Washington McLintock: Come on over to the house once and a while. We'll rack up a few hands of stud.
- Ben Sage: G.W., that'll be just fine.
- Lem: Don't seem possible one woman could use all them clothes.
- Katherine McClintock: You keep a civil tongue in your unprepossessing face!
- Lem: Yes ma'am.
- Katherine McClintock: And unload my baggage, please!
- Lem: Yes, ma'am. By the way, what does that word "unprepossessing" mean?
- [Kathrine ignores him and marches inside]
- Gov. Cuthbert H. Humphrey: [speaking from the bench at the hearing for the Comanche tribe] It seems, gentlemen, that although some of these chiefs speak English -- Chief Puma is quite at home with our language -- they have chosen Mr. McLintock to be their spokesman.
- George Washington McLintock: I speak for the Comanche, or rather I offer this translation.
- Gov. Cuthbert H. Humphrey: Proceed, Mr. McLintock.
- George Washington McLintock: [Puma looks at McLintock who puts his hand on Puma's shoulder, addresses the bench and reads] The Comanche say: "We are an old people, and a proud people. When the white man first came among us, we were as many as the grasses of the prairie. Now we are few, but we are still proud, for if a man loses pride in manhood he is nothing. You tell us now that if we will let you send us away to this place called 'Fort Sill', you will *feed* us and care for us. Let us tell you this: it is a Comanche law that no chief ever eats unless first he sees that the pots are full of meat in the lodges of the widows and orphans. It is the Comanche way of life. This that the white man calls 'charity' is a fine thing for widows and orphans, but no warrior can accept it, for if he does he is no longer a man, and when he is no longer a man he is *nothing* and better off dead. You say to the Comanche, 'You are widows and orphans. You are not men,' and we, the Comanche, say we would rather be *dead*. It will not be a remembered fight when you kill us, because we are few now and have few weapons, but we will *fight* and we will *die* Comanche."
- Puma: Thank you, Big McLintock.
- Gov. Cuthbert H. Humphrey: Am I to gather the Comanche defy the government of the United States?
- George Washington McLintock: Yes, you may gather that the Comanche defy the United States government... or at least this commission.
- George Washington McLintock: [McLintock and Drago ride the carriage through the herd of cattle] Keep em' goini'. Fifteen cents a pound all the way to Kansas City.
- Drago: [enters wearing butler's attire] Well, I'll be doggoned! Kate! Welcome home!
- Katherine McClintock: [annoyed] What on earth are you doing in that idiotic-looking outfit?
- [infuriated, with index finger in Drago's face]
- Katherine McClintock: And don't you dare call me Kate!
- Drago: That's my buttlin' suit. I'm buttlin' for the boss. And I'm sorry, Katherine. That "Kate" kinda slipped out from the times I remembered you as bein' nice peo..
- [stammers]
- Drago: people.
- Katherine McClintock: [gasps] Are you going to stand there with that stupid look on your face while the hired help insults your wife?
- George Washington McLintock: He's just ignorant! He doesn't know any better than to tell the truth! And, I can't help this "stupid look." I started acquiring it as you gained in social... prominence!
- George Washington McLintock: Every so often, Dev, you spill the strangest ideas. Everybody works for somebody. Me, I work for everybody in these United States that steps into a butcher shop for a T-bone steak. And you work for me. S'not much difference.
- [last lines]
- George Washington McLintock: No more living in the capital?
- Katherine McClintock: No.
- George Washington McLintock: No more Newport in season?
- Katherine McClintock: Nope.
- George Washington McLintock: No more dancing at the Governor's ball?
- Katherine McClintock: No, G.W.
- George Washington McLintock: Happy days!
- [the light goes out.]
- Katherine McClintock: 310 times without a miss. That's a record.
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