- [first lines]
- Passerby at Billy's Funeral: Who checked out?
- Hearse Driver: An old-time movie actor.
- Passerby at Billy's Funeral: ... What's his name?
- Hearse Driver: Billy Bright.
- Passerby at Billy's Funeral: Billy Bright? Billy Bri-...
- Hearse Driver: Yeah - he was a comedian, back in the silent movies.
- Passerby at Billy's Funeral: ... Oh! Billy Bright! I thought he *was* dead!
- Frank Powers: Bright, remember you're not working on a vaudeville stage anymore. We lost some of your funny stuff when you went out of frame. And stop looking into the camera. It's not going to applaud.
- Edwin G. Englehardt: Truely a distinguished artist of our time. Billy Bright first burst upon the scene with what is now considered a motion picture classic: "Seaside Scamps". And from this historic film event came a whole heritage of comedy treasures. The world will forever be indebted to the man who created such comic masterpieces of cinematic art as, "Broken Bloomers," "Red, White and Blooey." And who could forget, "High, Wide, and Fat," "Cock-a-Doodle Dumbbell," "The Worry Warts," "The Worry Warts in Mexico," and "Up your Alley."
- William Simon aka Billy Bright: I'd like to talk to you more. You understand me. Can I buy you some dinner?
- Mary Gibson: Oh, I'd love to, but, I'm meeting Frank.
- William Simon aka Billy Bright: You're? You just proved my point for me. Even when it comes to getting girls, the short guys get the girls.
- Mary Gibson: Frank isn't short.
- William Simon aka Billy Bright: He's shorter than I am!
- Martin 'Cockeye' Van Buren: Frank, I'm not too happy. I think I ought to have a couple more close-ups, huh?
- William Simon aka Billy Bright: I have to be twice as good as anybody else.
- Mary Gibson: Huh?
- William Simon aka Billy Bright: Because I'm so tall.
- Mary Gibson: I don't think I know what you're talking about.
- William Simon aka Billy Bright: All right, look at Chaplin. What do you think makes him so popular? Because he's short. The short guys get that sympathy. You know, I could be *twice* as big a Chaplin if was shorter than him.
- Woman in Detergent Commercial: So, if all the world's dirt seems to fall on you, get Whitee Wash! Clean, baby, clean.
- William Simon aka Billy Bright: If you want to have a honeymoon first, now, I'll understand that. Just say the word.
- Mary Gibson: I want to have a honeymoon first.
- William Simon aka Billy Bright: Okay. Okay.
- [to the actors and actresses assembled to make a movie after Billy and Marry's wedding]
- William Simon aka Billy Bright: Okay, everybody. Take five.
- Al Schilling: Armand, my usual. An order and a half of whole wheat toast, soft scrambled eggs, a cup of Postum, and a telephone.
- William Simon aka Billy Bright: As long as the world was calling on Billy Bright to make it laugh, Billy Bright would make it laugh.
- Newsreel Narrator: [during Billy's fantasy funeral] A great and funny man dies and the world mourns. This week, as it must to all men, death came to the King of Comedy, the incomparable Billy Bright. Calvin Coolidge said it for all men when he said, "What a tragedy that he should have been plucked from us at the apex of history. Presidents and kings are expendable. But, not clowns like Billy Bright. Speaking for myself, I know it will be difficult for me to ever smile again."
- William Simon aka Billy Bright: I could have been a millionaire.
- Martin 'Cockeye' Van Buren: Then, why didn't you do it, then?
- William Simon aka Billy Bright: Because I listened to dumbbells like you, that's why?
- Martin 'Cockeye' Van Buren: If I'm such a dumbbell, why'd you listen?
- William Simon aka Billy Bright: Because I was a bigger dumbbell.
- Al Schilling: Billy, have I got good news for you.
- William Simon aka Billy Bright: Look, Al, what I want...
- Al Schilling: I know what you want and here it is. The good news. Billy, I spoke to Brockman this morning and the Studio is not going ahead with your next picture.
- William Simon aka Billy Bright: A woman can take away your house, your money, your kids, and happiness; but, she can't take away your talent. Thank God I had that.
- Frank Powers: Fatso and Cockeye, the fleets in and you're lookin' for dames. You spot the bathing beauties and you decide to treat them to ice cream cones.
- Fatso: Right!
- Frank Powers: Eh, Bright?
- William Simon aka Billy Bright: Yeah.
- Frank Powers: Much better. You're the ice cream man. Now, Mary, you run into the water, you start to drown, you yell for help. Where's the midget?
- Lifeguard in Film: Here, Mr. Powers.
- Frank Powers: Now, Fatso and Cockeye, you get into an argument about who's gonna save her. While you are figuring it out, the midget runs into the water and pulls her out. What is it Bright?
- William Simon aka Billy Bright: Nothing. I was just checking to make sure I got the story straight.
- Frank Powers: Jesus, its not all that complicated.
- William Simon aka Billy Bright: Well, well, well what do I do?
- Frank Powers: I told you, you're the ice cream man. Be funny!
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