- Bartender: The girl was a good lookin' girl and she could dance nice. The only thing was, she didn't have any tits! So, the boss told her, you go to Anaheim and get your tits pumped up and we'll give you more money. She goes to Anaheim, gets the silicone in her tits; when she gets back, her tits was hard as a rock. When she danced, her ears would move more than her tits! So, we had to fire her.
- Nick: You won't be happy till you've got your own set of balls!
- Karen Walker: Honey, I've got balls. Yours.
- Donna: Greg and me are going into business.
- Karen Walker: Together?
- Greg: Sure. We're gonna combine our talents and make a fortune. We're gonna open a topless bike repair shop.
- Barry the Announcer: The referees are powerless in the face of this white hot violence. How can the slaughter be stopped?
- Karen Walker: Boy, I'd like to get Mickey Martinez down here. Turn her loose on a couple of people.
- Foreman: [walks up, grabs Karen from behind] You oughta turn yourself loose.
- Karen Walker: Get off! Keep your crappy hands off me.
- Foreman: I heard you talked to Mr. Talahanty.
- Karen Walker: Yeah! I talked to him.
- Foreman: You don't talk to Talahanty about nuthin'. You talk to me!
- Karen Walker: I got nuthin' to talk to you about.
- Foreman: [grabs her buttocks] You talk to me about a raise.
- Karen Walker: I told you to keep your hands off me!
- Foreman: Listen, Walker, you want that raise, you better change your work habits a little bit.
- [squeezes Karen's breast]
- Foreman: Stop off at the office, Walker, we'll talk about that raise.
- Greg: Cold duck! Karen, I think it's a fine thing. Anything that lets me get loaded on somebody else's cold duck is okay.
- Donna: From today, she'll be drinking cold duck for the rest of her life. She'll be brushing her teeth with it!
- Greg: I don't care if she washes her feet in it, as long as I get some.
- Bartender: She said to him, "I want 10 dollars." He said, "What do you want 10 dollars for?" She said, "I want to buy myself a brassiere." He said, "Hell, you ain't got nothin' to put in it." She said, "You wear shorts, don't ya?"
- Karen Walker: Hi. Karen Walker. They said come down here for a physical. Would you like me to take my clothes off?
- Doctor: Oh, yes! Yes, I would.
- Karen Walker: [after Karen has taken off her clothes, the doctor starts feeling up and down her body] Don't you use instruments or something?
- Doctor: Young woman, the human hand is the most efficient instrument ever devised. As you... turn around now.
- Karen Walker: Hey, are you a real doctor?
- Doctor: I pursued my studies at not only one, but three medical schools.
- Angie Striker: So the guy says, "Well, we always do it on our hands and knees, you know, dog fashion." And the doctor tells him, "That's why you got a backache all the time." And the guy says,"But how else could we both watch TV?"
- Karen Walker: I've heard of ugly dykes in my life, but I never figured one would be so ugly, she'd have to go to all this trouble just to get a chick to strip for.
- Karen Walker: How about you, bitch? You ever been this close to a decent looking body before? Take a good look, all of you, because that's all you're gonna get is a look!
- Mickey: You did a real good job for your first night.
- Karen Walker: Now, what's that supposed to mean?
- Mickey: You just want to stick a little closer to the game plan, that's all. And do what you're told. You'll keep your job longer. And, uh,
- [slaps Karen on the buttocks]
- Mickey: get a little more meat on those bones.
- Mickey: Hey, want to finish the game?
- Karen Walker: Keep your slimy hands off of me!
- Mickey: What are you, crazy? I was just playin'.
- Karen Walker: Well, go play with somebody else!
- Mickey: I want to play with you.
- Barry the Announcer: The entire team appears to be after her tonight. Angie's giving it to her with a whip. Laying it on her hot and heavy. I'll tell you, this is a sensational game.
- Barry the Announcer: Say, cat owners, would you like to get everything for your pet? Visit the King Palm Cat Corner. Everything for your pussy in La Mesa.
- Donna: Now she thinks it's the breathe. Before that, it was the God damn armpits. She's always got some reason nobody will ball her. And the real reason is: she's the lousiest ball on this bus.
- Nick: Now, look, we got some safety and sanity rules when you fire a gun in a range. You understand? Now, you squeeze off your shots. You're not flipping them off like some little fairy.
- Mr. Stern: You see. You see what I mean about showmanship? That's why I'm the boss. I know about showmanship. That's why you're just my son-in-law. You don't know nothin' about showmanship. Now, that broad, she knows about showmanship!
- Barry the Announcer: Mickey Martinez is back from her two-week vacation, well rested, but seven pounds overweight.
- Mr. Stern: Okay, the Queen of the Lunatics is number one. Who have we got for number two?
- Marshall: How about Little Debbie? She's really been working hard.
- Mr. Stern: No, no, no. What's the name of that black broad from Fresno?
- Marshall: Beverly Brayton?
- Mr. Stern: Yeah, look, you call Seymour in Fresno. Tell him to put her on the bus tomorrow.
- Marshall: Yeah, but, is she good enough?
- Mr. Stern: Good enough, bad enough. Who cares?
- Barry the Announcer: Karen Walker skates off the track giving her triumphant tattoo salute.
- Karen's Mother: Are you in trouble?
- Karen Walker: No, Ma, I'm not in trouble. Do I have to be in trouble every time I come to see you?
- Karen Walker: Ma, I just came here to give you some money.
- Karen's Mother: Why do I need more money? I got my cigarettes. I got my TV. What more do I need?
- Karen Walker: You think the next time you come barging in here, you could knock first?
- Mr. Stern: When you pay the rent, you don't have to knock.
- Mr. Stern: For your information, young lady, those seats have been filled for 35 years.
- Karen Walker: Yeah! Because they come to see the likes of me! Not your little Beverly or any of the other broads. They come to see a star!
- Mr. Stern: They come to see who they come to see! Here, cover yourself up, you're gonna catch cold. Look, Miss Terrific, you go up there and start skating and get this through your head, you're not skating to please you, you're not skating to please them up there, you're skating to please me!
- Karen Walker: Just who the hell do you think you are?
- Mr. Stern: I'm the guy that signs your checks! Get up there and do what you're told for a change.
- Mr. Stern: I'm gonna keep my eye on you.
- Karen Walker: Maybe if I lifted my shirt, you could see better.
- Mr. Stern: I'm gonna keep my eye on you so close you're gonna feel my eyelashes on that shirt of yours!
- Karen Walker: Alright, then, you just watch! You just come up here and watch, because I'm gonna show you something you've never seen before!
- Barry the Announcer: Karen Walker's under there. She must be vibrating in terror. It's sadistic.
- Jennifer: What are you doing afterwards?
- Karen Walker: I got some friends waitin'.
- Jennifer: We go to this little bar in Venice. You ought to come, given this is your first night and all. You know, show the kids you want to be part of the team.
- Karen Walker: I am part of the team.
- Jennifer: You got a uniform. You ain't part of the team yet.
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