- Julian Wall: [Talking to DC by radio about Helm's newest alias] Well, what is he doing here?
- Voice from DC: He can't come back to the States because if he does, his ex-wife slaps him in jail for back alimony.
- Coco Duquette: Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk. Any children?
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: No, no children. Two dogs: a poodle and the missus.
- Ironhead: He's Matt Helm!
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: Huh? We got a winner.
- Julian Wall: You are dead.
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: I'm beginning to believe it.
- Suzie Solaris: Why are you doing this? I mean, really, why?
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: Oh, because I'm one of America's top secret agents and I don't want BIG O to take over the world.
- Suzie Solaris: Come on, I'm serious.
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: You ask a silly question...
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: [under arrest by the French police] Now, wait just a doggone minute! I've got some rights, too! I'm an American citizen.
- Police Capt. Deveraux: We will play the Star Spangled Banner while you are in the electric chair.
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: Ahhhh. Then I'd have to stand up!
- Julian Wall: There's a whole new breed of scientist today. They smoke, drink, swear, play around but they won't answer one simple little question: how do you destroy Washington, D.C.?
- Coco Duquette: I hate you for what you're doing to him.
- Julian Wall: Your way didn't work.
- Coco Duquette: You stick to your television programs and I'll stick to mine.
- Billy Orcutt: [at a discotheque in the South of France] After I graduated Yale, Dad wanted me to come to the firm. But, I said, "No! I want to make it on my own." So, he gave me $250,000 in traveler's checks - and here I am!
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: [Matt and Suzie are being shot at by the French Police. Matt grabs a microphone] Attention, French Police! Don't shoot! I have an innocent girl in the car with me!
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: [Matt's message scrolls across his tail lights. The police shoot again] That's the French for you. They don't believe any girl is innocent.
- Suzie Solaris: [as they're being picked up by helicopter, Suzie pulls down Matt's pants to reveal his shorts] Polka-dot shorts?
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: It's the only way to fly.
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: [after Matt rips a bomb disguised as a broach off Suzie's chest and throws it, as it explodes at a large poster-size photo of Frank Sinatra] Sorry, Frank.
- Julian Wall: Men of good will have done a perfectly dreadful job of running the world. Perhaps it's time for a change. Admit it, I can't do much worse.
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: Oh, I think you can. I have faith in you.
- Julian Wall: Well, gentlemen, the dream has come true.
- [snickers]
- Julian Wall: And not just for Republicans. We will control the most powerful bomb in the universe: the Sun!
- Julian Wall: [hands over some photographs] These gentlemen have ceased to amuse me. Still their voices forever.
- Ironhead: What?
- Julian Wall: Kill them!
- Matt Helm: [shooting part of a spread for Slaymate magazine] All right, honey. In front of the map.
- Miss January: Oh, I've never been to Minnesota.
- Matt Helm: Well, you're there now and it's mighty cold, so let me see those goose bumps. Oh, good girl! Now, a little to the left. I want to catch you right near Duluth.
- Miss January: Why, that's my best feature!
- Matt Helm: All right, now. You just lower your left arm 'cause we don't wanna hide the twin cities. Perfect!
- Miss January: Oh, you're some tricky fella.
- Matt Helm: Well, I wanted to get the real you.
- Miss January: It's all real!
- Billy Orcutt: I demand an explanation. What is the meaning of this nocturnal assignation?
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: [to Suzie] Is he rehearsing for a play?
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: This is dancing?
- Suzie Solaris: It's called a discotheque. You want to try?
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: Well, I don't disc...
- Julian Wall: Now can you give me one good reason why I shouldn't drop you to the ground?
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: Certainly, I'll get killed.
- Julian Wall: Don't kill him until we find out who he is. We don't want to kill a perfect stranger.
- Ironhead: Nobody's perfect.
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: Just remember, Suzie, nobody dies for nothing. Not me, not your father, nobody.
- Matt Helm: What a way to finish. For a guy that drank booze all his life to end up like a milkshake.
- Matt Helm: [Suzie is kissing his face all over] Easy! I get a little ticklish west of the Mississippi.
- Dean Paul Martin: [after a performance by "Dino, Desi & Billy" at a discoteque] Hey, now you're swingin', dad!
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: Dad?
- Suzie Solaris: He calls everybody "dad".
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: Don't he know?
- Suzie Solaris: He's a wise son who knows his own father.
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: The way they're wearing their hair nowadays, it's a wise father that knows his own son!
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: Cuckoo.
- Coco Duquette: Coco.
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: Crazy.
- Coco Duquette: Sometimes.
- Suzie Solaris: My father and Dominque were pretty good friends for awhile. Then Coco came along. Coco wanted him for CoCo.
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: She really fell for him?
- Suzie Solaris: He was here on vacation. Vacations end. Coco didn't want it to.
- Suzie Solaris: They're not married.
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: You mean they hate each other like that for nothin'?
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: I think I'll come over to your side.
- Suzie Solaris: Well, I don't have very much to offer.
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: You're puttin' me on?
- Suzie Solaris: [laughs] I didn't mean...
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: I didn't think you did. But, we'll think of something. In the mean time, don't you go tellin' anybody about your family tree, cause, whoever grabbed him, might grab you and if there's any grabbin' to be done around here...
- Julian Wall: What were you doing in Dominque Avignon's apartment?
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: Oh, a fella in the States, he gave me her number: 39-26-34.
- Julian Wall: That girl from the discotheque - now, we know you were in her flat last night, too.
- [to Coco]
- Julian Wall: We will have to do something about her.
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: Oh, I tried. Nothing! Eh!
- Julian Wall: That girl, what's her name? The one you were with last night?
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: Suzie?
- Julian Wall: Mmm-hmm. Yes. She is rather naughty, you know.
- Billy Orcutt: [Matt carries Suzie out of the discotheque] I must vigorously protest!
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: Me, too. They're trying to kill her. Now, give me the keys. Oh, shut up! Just give me the keys.
- Billy Orcutt: We came in Suzie's car. It's over there. The little black one.
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: Oh, great!
- Billy Orcutt: It has safety belts.
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: For bullets?
- Suzie Solaris: Oh! That was a marvelous rock-n-roll party.
- Matt Helm: Yeah. And the party hasn't even started.
- Suzie Solaris: Oh, yeah?
- Matt Helm: How do you like being back in America.
- Suzie Solaris: Oh, I love it! I love it! I love every nook
- [kiss]
- Suzie Solaris: and cranny
- [kiss]
- Suzie Solaris: , every hill
- [kiss]
- Suzie Solaris: , every dale
- [kiss]
- Suzie Solaris: ...
- Matt Helm: Easy, I get a little ticklish across the Mississippi.
- [first lines]
- Julian Wall: Well, gentlemen, the dream has come true. And not just for Republicans. We will control the most powerful bomb in the universe: the Sun.
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