- Peggy Gravel: Go home to your mother! Doesn't she ever watch you? Tell her this isn't some communist daycare center! Tell your mother I hate her! Tell your mother I hate you!
- Peggy Gravel: Hello? What number are you calling? You've dialed the wrong number! Sorry? What good is that? How can you ever repay the last thirty seconds you have stolen from my life? I hate you, your husband, your children, and your relatives!
- Peggy Gravel: Why did you tell me to come this way, Grizelda? You know I hate nature! Look at those disgusting trees, stealing my oxygen. Oh, I can't stand this scenery another minute. All natural forests should be turned into housing developments! I want cement covering every blade of grass in this nation. Don't we taxpayers have a voice anymore?
- Bosley Jr.: [Kids are in the attic playing doctor] Breathe hard. Do it again.
- Beth: [Giggles as she breathes] Let me do it to you.
- Peggy Gravel: [Enters room and goes berserk when she sees the kids] SODOMITES!
- [Rushes to them]
- Peggy Gravel: CAUGHT RIGHT IN A SEX ORGY! FILTHY! DIRTY! FILTHY!
- Bosley Jr.: [Crying] We're only playing!
- Peggy Gravel: [Slapping them] Is that what you learned in private school?
- Beth: Don't, Mother, we're only playing!
- Peggy Gravel: [Hysterically to herself] NUDE! NUDE! NUDE!
- [Suddenly seriously]
- Peggy Gravel: You could be pregnant, Beth!
- [to Bosley, Jr]
- Peggy Gravel: And YOU... I never thought you'd rape your own sister!
- [Suddenly wildly, to no one in particular]
- Peggy Gravel: OH GOD, THE CHILDREN ARE HAVING SEX!
- Peggy Gravel: [to cop in lingerie] No, please not a kiss, I swear I'll gag! Mount me if you must but not a kiss!
- Peggy Gravel: Peggy is about to die from being shot up the ass by Mole. Peggy: You're so low you make white trash look positively top drawer!
- Mole McHenry: Mole: Oh, blow it out your ass!
- [after Mole's penis is cut off]
- Mole McHenry: Now I won't have any organs! It'll be like having a Barbie doll crotch!
- Peggy Gravel: Go ahead, feel her up! Just like you did to me! Find em, feel em, fuck em, forget em... is THAT your new motto?
- Grizelda Brown: Zip that gaping hole of a mouth up, Peggy, before I plug it up with my fist.
- Peggy Gravel: You're just like all the rest of the common dykes in this town!
- Grizelda Brown: You better calm yourself down before I haul off and smack you upside your wide, wide head. We killed your husband. And I ain't your maid anymore bitch. I'm your sister in crime.
- Peggy Gravel: Please, don't sit on me!
- Peggy Gravel: [to cop in lingerie] Will you please stop it! I have never found the antics of deviants to be one bit amusing!
- Muffy St. Jacques: The press still calls me "The Dog Food Murderess". I can never go back, I couldn't bear the shame!
- Queen Carlotta: [surveying her subjects as they participate in her own self-enforced "Backwards Day"] Look at those dummies! Hey, moron! You got your clothes on backwards! Ha ha ha! Oh, God, this is fun! Hi, stupid! Hi, ugly!
- Shotsie: Ewww, that senile old cunt!
- Mole McHenry: I wish I had a rifle with a telescopic lens.
- Flipper: I'd help you pull the trigger, Mole!
- Muffy St. Jacques: Squeaky Fromme, where are you when we need you?
- Muffy St. Jacques: [recalling why she ended up on the lam in Mortville] I wasn't always like this. Oh, I mean, of course I was always visually stunning, but I was married to a man, and I had a baby named Freddy. It was about two years ago, and my husband and I were just returning from a cocktail party...
- Muffy St. Jacques: [finding her babysitter nude in bed with a boy] OH MY GOD! What have you done with my baby?
- Babysitter: I don't know; I'm trippin'.
- Muffy St. Jacques: TRIPPUN? Where's Freddy?
- Babysitter: I think I put him in the kitchen!
- Muffy St. Jacques: The KITCHUN? Oh, Freddy!
- Princess Coo-Coo: Oh Herbert, we're safe now. I'm sorry I had to drag you all that way, but those silly nudists wanted to BURY you! Oh I love you too, my darling- Mother can't hurt us now. We'll get married tonight. You don't look so well, I hope you perk up for our honeymoon!
- Queen Carlotta: Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch! Take it off! Come on, let's see some ass! Yeah! Yeah! Strip faster! Let's see some private areas! Ohhhh I see London, I see France! Spread those legs, baby! I want meat and potatoes! Yeahhhh! A Hollywood loaf! Yessssirrreee! Come on over here with that thing! You're a wicked little boy getting me all heated up, aren't you? I'm going to have to give you a spanking!
- Queen Carlotta: Two guards bring in a hippy biker type so that Queen Carlotta will make an impression to Peggy and Grizelda about law being dispensed in Mortville. Do you have anything to say before I pass sentence on you?
- Citizen of Mortville: Well, you can just lick my haemorrhoids, you fat, fucking bitch!
- Goon, Goon: Oh guards! Just blow him away! Guards then proceed to do as ordered, brandishing guns to shoot down the hippy biker type.
- Queen Carlotta: Any last words, goon face?
- Goon: You can lick my royal hemorrhoids, you fat pig!
- Queen Carlotta: Oh, ready, aim, FIRE!
- [the goon is gunned down as Grizelda and Peggy stare in horror]
- Queen Carlotta: Royal proclamation number one!
- [trumpet]
- Queen Carlotta: As long as you live in Mortville, you must always consider me your god, and if you ever see me on the streets, fall to your knees and shout, "I honor you, Queen Carlotta!" Royal proclamation two!
- [trumpet]
- Queen Carlotta: You must live here in constant mortification, solely existing to bring me and my tourists moments of royal amusement! I'm not responsible for your income, your living conditions, or your personal happiness. Have I made myself perfectly clear?
- Grizelda Brown: Yes, your royal majesty.
- Queen Carlotta: And you, Mrs. Gravel, murderess?
- Peggy Gravel: You've made yourself quite clear.
- Queen Carlotta: YOUR...?
- Peggy Gravel: Your royal majesty.
- Queen Carlotta: So be it! Lieutenant Williams, take them to our ugly expert and given them a complete overhaul, and when you walk down the streets of Mortville, make sure you're dressed like what you really are -- TRASH!
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