- [Credits and title music end as Thorndyke exits the airport]
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: What a dramatic airport.
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: Do you really think this is nessa...?
- Dr. Vicktor Lillolman: Of course it's nessa!
- Victoria Brisbane: I'm sorry, please forgive me. I'm just *so* close to my menstrual cycle that I could scream!
- Nurse Diesel: Come to my room right after dinner.
- Dr. Charles Montague: No, not tonight. I'm too tired. I think I'll turn in early.
- Nurse Diesel: I'll let you wear my underwear.
- Dr. Charles Montague: I'll be there.
- Victoria Brisbane: [on the phone] Listen, Mister. I don't go for this sort of thing. I *know* a lot of the other girls are turned on by these kinky phone calls, but I really couldn't care less. How did you, ummmm... get my room number? I am not going to listen to any more of this, I mean, I've *had* just about enough! What are you wearing? Jeans? You're wearing jeans? I bet they're tight.
- Dr. Charles Montague: Enjoy yourself, for God's sake! Get your mind off the Wentworth murder... Accident! Accident!
- Bellboy: HERE! HERE! HERE! HERE'S YOUR PAPER! HERE'S YOUR PAPER! HERE'S YOUR PAPER! HAPPY NOW? HAPPY? HAPPY NOW?
- Nurse Diesel: Oh, get off it. I know you better than you know yourself. You live for bondage and discipline!
- Dr. Charles Montague: [moaning] Too much bondage. Too much bondage. Not enough discipline!
- Nurse Diesel: You want discipline? I'll give you discipline.
- [starts repeatedly spanking Dr. Montague]
- Dr. Charles Montague: Yes! Yes, I'm sorry! Yes! Charlotte, it's so good. Mommy!
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: You want to x-ray the celery? What do you think we're smuggling dope in the celery? The celery's not for dope. It's for dip!
- Victoria Brisbane: Have you seen my father at the Institute? Is he all right?
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: He's fine, he's fine. He's coming along just fine. He's very affectionate. He licked me.
- Victoria Brisbane: He what?
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: Well, he thinks he's a dog these days.
- Victoria Brisbane: A dog?
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: A dog, yes.
- Victoria Brisbane: Do you mind if I smoke?
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: [ripping duct tape off Brophy's mouth] Where is Brisbane?
- Brophy: They took him to
- Brophy: [screams]
- Dr. Charles Montague: We've got to destroy the negative. Give us the negative, Brophy.
- Brophy: [Stubbornly defiant] You'll never get it. Never. Never! Do you hear me? You'll never get this! I'd rather DIE first!
- Dr. Charles Montague: Norton?
- Norton: [Approaches Brophy, pulls out a .45, cocks it, and sticks it up to Brophy's forehead]
- Brophy: [Meekly, as he immediately hands over the negative] Here.
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: As I was saying, it came to my attention that just before Dr. Ashley's untimely death, he was planning to make some very big changes here at the institute. Do any of you know specifically what those changes might be?
- Dr. Wentworth: Well, for one thing, he wanted to change...
- Nurse Diesel: The drapes.
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: The drapes?
- Nurse Diesel: The drapes. He wanted to change the drapes in the Psychotic Game Room.
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: That was the extent of the big change, the... drapes?
- Nurse Diesel: Oh, yes. Dr. Ashley felt that color has a great deal to do with the well-being of the emotionally disturbed.
- Victoria Brisbane: [bursting into Thorndyke's room] Get away from the door!
- [begins wheezing as if out of breath]
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: Who are you?
- Victoria Brisbane: Get away from me.
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: Just a second...
- [she cuts him off]
- Victoria Brisbane: Be quiet, they'll hear you. Don't move. Go inside. Go to your room.
- [they enter the living room]
- Victoria Brisbane: The drapes! Close the drapes!
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: The drapes. Close the drapes.
- [Repeating, to himself]
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: Close the drapes.
- Victoria Brisbane: Close the other one. Get down! Lower! Good. Quick, come here. Get up. Sit down. Not there, here.
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: Here?
- Victoria Brisbane: There.
- Dr. Charles Montague: Rate of patient recovery? I'll have that for you in a moment.
- [taps on his calculator]
- Dr. Charles Montague: Once in a blue moon.
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: Once in a blue moon. Hmm.
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: Forgive me for prying. But, what happened to your mustache?
- Norton: Well, as you know, things can get a bit dicey on this wing. On day, I wasn't on my toes and one of the patients reached out and tore off ½ of my mustache.
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: That must have been awful!
- Norton: [very flatly] You will never know the pain.
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: Let me backtrack for a second. The female erogenous zone.
- Dr. Colburn: You mean the balloons?
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: Oh, no, no, no. Lower. Lower, much lower. Where the babies come out. The woo... The woowoo.
- Dr. Colburn: The woowoo?
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: Yes! The woowoo. Perhaps the most significant psychological feminine component known to mankind.
- [Dr. Thorndyke brushes his teeth]
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: [starts off slow] Up and down. Up and down. Side, side, side, side, side. In and out. In and out. Side, side, side, side, side.
- [quicker, now]
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: Up and down. Up and down. Side, side, side, side, side. In and out. In and out.
- [very deliberate for the finish]
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: Side, side, side, side, side.
- Killer: [on the phone] I don't know what they said; I only know that they met. What do you want me to do, kill 'em? if you want me to kill 'em, I'll kill 'em. I don't have to kill 'em, but I'd like to kill 'em... I killed Ashley Wentworth; another killing or two won't make a difference... It would make me happy... I'd like to kill 'em both... I think it'd be better if I kill 'em both... Well, let me kill just one then... Whichever one you want... Alright, I'll wait. But the minute you say kill 'em, I'll kill 'em. I'll love to kill 'em. It would give me immense pleasure.
- Dr. Vicktor Lillolman: Working? Hmm, working. Working is a big word. I'm a consultant. It's a fancy title for a part-time job. I come in two hours a day. I don't bother them. They don't bother me.
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: [after having had a panic attack in Professor Lillolman's office] Thank you, thank you Professor. I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me.
- Dr. Vicktor Lillolman: I know what came over you: High Anxiety. You've still got it!
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: It's probably the excitement and tension of taking over this new post. I'm... sure it will pass.
- Dr. Vicktor Lillolman: [Leans in close to Thorndyke's face] Bullshit! These things do not let go. High Anxiety can be a very dangerous enemy! If left unchecked, it could cost you your LIFE!
- Victoria Brisbane: [Pointing to his nametag] Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke... What does the 'H' stand for?
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: [Puts his hand over his mouth and indistinctly mumbles something]
- Victoria Brisbane: [Not understanding] What?
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: [Now speaking clearly] Harpo... My mother loved the Marx Brothers. She saw all their movies. She named me Harpo.
- Victoria Brisbane: Harpo? Harpo... I like it. You know, it's very refreshing. I mean, there are certain names that you just don't hear very often these days.
- Dr. Vicktor Lillolman: [Talking to Dr. Thorndyke while Thorndyke is having a panic attack on the stairs] Richard! Richard, listen to me... I have researched your case. I know what is giving you the High Anxiety. I have found the answer. Go back in your mind. Go back. Go back! You are a little baby. Your mother and father are fighting. They are always fighting! They are fighting about YOU!
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: [after a childhood flashback reveals the truth to him] I understand now. I understand now! It's not heights I'm afraid of... it's PARENTS!
- Dr. Vicktor Lillolman: Ja. Ja! Now climb, you son of a bitch! CLIMB!
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: [addressing the audience at the American Psychiatric Convention] Fellow analysts, psychiatrists, psychologists, and laypeople. Today, I would like to discuss some of the lesser-known aspects of psychobiological therapy. One hundred years ago, psychology was akin to witchcraft. But some of these great people - these giants behind me - gave us... a nice living.
- Nurse Diesel: Dinner is served promptly at eight in the private dining room. Those who are tardy do not get fruit cup.
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: A Bloody Mary? Well, Misses, I don't like the Bloody Mary they serve on the plane. No, sir! It's too burning! They don't even put tomato juice, they put snappy peppy. Murray Weintraub, remember him, Murray Weintraub? Morning, noon and night, Murray Weintraub drank the Bloody Marys with the peppy, with the snappy. You know where he is now? Weintraub is *dead* from that!
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: [sets off alarm while going through airport security in disguise carrying a gun] What is this, a game show? What did I win, a Pinto?
- Airport Attendant: I'm sorry sir, we're going to have to search you.
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: Please sir, what did I do? What did I do? What's my crime?
- Airport Attendant: You beeped.
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: I beeped! I beeped! Take me away! Take me back to Russia! Put me in irons! I beeped! The mad beeper is loose! Take away the beeper! Take me away!
- Nurse Diesel: Ahem!
- Dr. Charles Montague: Oh, allow me to introduce Nurse Diesel, my right-hand man, woman.
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: This is not the man I met at the institute. Something is very... very... wrong.
- Dr. Vicktor Lillolman: [quizzing Dr. Thorndyke] A patient comes into your office suffering from Belldon's Hysteria, and he has a seizure right in your office, what do you give him?
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: 2 cc's of aqueous Thorazine coupled with Somadiozine!
- Dr. Vicktor Lillolman: Ah, good, good, good. And the most important thing?
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: Never take a personal check.
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: Ja! That's my boy! That's my good pupil.
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: [while climbing the stairs to the tower Dr. Thorndyke is hanging on by a thumbnail after stepping on a bad step. He has a flashback to when he was a baby and his parents are arguing. He returns to the present] I understand now. I understand now. It's not heights I'm afraid of, it's parents!
- Dr. Vicktor Lillolman: Yeah. Yeah. Now climb you son-of-a-bitch! Climb!
- [after hearing that Dr. Thorndyke pulls himself back up on the stairs and safety]
- Brophy: Look at the size of this thing! Yeah, let me get rid of it for you. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it.
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: Brophy - get it tomorrow.
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: But, Professor, is it really nece...
- Dr. Vicktor Lillolman: It is "nece"! I know what is "nece"! Don't tell me what is "nece". I tell *you* what is "nece".
- Brophy: You got some joint, here. Let me take it now. Oh, I like this joint. What a joint. It's beautiful! It's terrific! It's gorgeous. It's gorgeous.
- Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: [on a payphone] I'm at the Golden Gate Park. Meet me in a half hour at the North by Northwest corner.
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