Hell Squad

My review was written in March 1986 after watching the movie on MGM/UA video cassette.

"Hell Squad" is a laughable action picture about Las Vegas showgirls who become instant commandos. Made circa 1983, pic was released theatrically overseas last year but domestic distrib Cannon sent the film directly to home video stores (via its MGM/UA deal) domestically.

Bainbridge Scott is a pretty blonde who toplines as Jan, a manager of Vegas showgirls enlisted by her former boyfriend Jim (Walter Cox) to help him rescue a diplomat's son Glen Hartford who's been kidnapped by Arabs demanding the secret of a neutron bomb weapon.

Nearly 20 statuesque girls go through a week's crash training course, after which nine are chosen (including Jan, the only one with previous fighting skills) to mount a commando raid in the Middle East. Typical of the film's carelessness, only eight girls are identified in the poolside selection scene, yet a squad of nine carries on for the rest of the picture.

Poor action scene ensue, revolving around the running gag of the gals repeatedly returning to their hotel suite and together hopping into a big, communal bathtub, due to a local water shortage. Reversing the usual pecking order of exploitation films, only leading player Jan has nude scenes, while the other girls manage to remain covered up.

Filmmaker Ken Hartford is known for buying and selling features "by the pound" for international distribution, but he seems to have short-changed the viewer here. Filmed out west, picture includes unconvincing stock footage to represent the Middle East, plus cheap sets and a library music-type score. Level of humor is evidenced by an end credit that thanks: "42 members of PLO who played themselves as terrorists".

I couldn't believe how bad this was.

Still I was entertained.

Why? Those ladies, despite their obvious 'talent', (hehheh) were GORGEOUS.

This was stock footage surrounded by a two set filming. The lack of real cast was desperately covered up.

So many missions that we never saw. Then the ladies come home in their military/fetish unis and lounge in provocative positions.

One reason to see this film...you're drunk and love to see ladies in hotpants. (Ok, two reasons.)

Movies like this give me a headache. Nine bubbly and not-so-bright Vegas show-girls are hired to train for 10 (count em), 10 days to become highly skilled, psuedo-military commandos and execute a top-secret operation in order to rescue an American Ambassador's whiney son. Their training consisted of a four obstacle obstacle course, rifle training with no, repeat, NO instruction on how to use the weapon, and one girl punching a board. Nothing else is even shown to be done, unless you count the "squad" of girls marching around the middle of the desert, chanting their patented cadence, or lounging in the officer's pool as training. Never before has someone's utter lack of desire to make a decent film ever been more showcased than in this movie. It is apparent the thought that T&A would carry this entire film was the motivation behind every scene of this movie. Every scene where the "hell squad" went into action was immediately followed by a scene of all the girls either naked or in their bathing suits. It is this genre of women exploitation which tries to hide behind the mask of "girls kick ass" that makes me shudder at the day they began selling movie cameras to anyone who walked in off the street. The world is in dire need of a written law to prevent any non-film maker from making a film. I swear to you, from the first 20 minutes on to the end of the movie, my jaw hung open in terror as I watched every film making sin take place before my eyes. This movie gave me a headache.

I own many original copies of a great number of the movies shown on Mystery Science Theater 3000, and this movie topples every one of them over. Still, it doesn't make it the worst movie I've ever seen, but it sits in a class of films that are harmful to open skin. Handle movie with care.

Scott's judgment: Set your dumbness filter on high while watching this movie

Let's cut to the chase...."Hell Squad" is a horrible film and anyone who sees brilliance in it isn't to be trusted! The acting is horrible (beyond amateurish) and the writing and direction aren't much better. Now considering it was released by Cannon Films, this makes it easier to understand how it was released in the first place. The studio was responsible for an awful lot of crap in the 1980s....and they didn't try to be anything else other than a schlock studio...but it was, briefly, a very popular studio despite their low budgets and low production values. Clearly even for Cannon, "Hell Squad" is terrible!

The son of some American dignitary has been kidnapped by turban-wearing baddies. So, the embassy does exactly what you'd expect...they hire a group of showgirls to rescue him instead of giving these terrorists the plans to the new ultra-neutron bomb!! After a very brief training camp, these busty do-gooders spring into action....as, after all, who needs Special Forces or the Navy Seals?!

The film is simply terrible and I think the only appealing thing about it are the very gratuitous shots of nude and semi-nude woman. Surprisingly, the producers were actually able to get some amazingly pretty ladies for the film. But to me, watching the film STILL isn't worth it! Overall, a silly and craptastic movie....not among the very worst I've seen...but awfully close!

"Hell squad hell squad we're the best, don't ever put us to the test. We're a helluva of a fighting machine, we are tough and goddamn mean. The hell squad girls gotta lot of sass, if you mess with us we'll kick your ass." Uh, sure anytime.

You can actually start anywhere in the movie and start watching. I picked this point where they where matching and all had matching short-shorts with some type of beret and chanting the above ditty. After a few weeks each one is commando trained and an expert in their field, according to the recruiter.

The filmmakers had a great time making this thing. The only thing that it lacks was a group shower scene. Lots of Hollywood bunny "actors" from small town Idaho and New Jersey (probably). After trekking out with jeeps they kill a group of Arab soldiers, who can't fight, then they go back to the hotel and take another group bath. On and on it just never ends. Don't think we'll get a blue ray anytime soon.