Firehead

This movie is one of those films where you are watching and you feel as if you missed something. This movie just feels off, especially at the start where it just seems like Ivan, the one known as Firehead has been featured in another film. Unfortunately, he has not been, but I guess you could say that is a good thing too as this film was just a very weak action film made on a shoestring budget. How that got Plummer and Landau is beyond me, but I am guessing their salaries made up most of the budget because the shootouts are boring and there is not all that much destruction going on within the film.

The story as I said plays like a sequel as we see Ivan walk away from his Russian duties showing off his eye laser powers. He apparently does telekinesis, but the synopsis here incorrectly refers to him as a Russian cyborg. Well, in USA he begins blowing up stuff and soon Chris Lemon is whining and trying to find him while being paired with a lady we later learn is a top assassin, yet she displays absolutely no skill whatsoever. They all must go against this secret society of rectangle people who are planning to stoke the fires of war, but do not worry, there was not enough in the budget to depict that.

The acting is about what you would expect as Chris Lemon overacts in every scene while the guy playing Ivan mimics a Russian accent with a lot of gusto and little girl shrieks all her lines loudly and obnoxiously. Meanwhile, Plummer takes his role serious while Landau is most likely regretting being in the movie. The action is boring, Ivan's powers are not used much at all making them seem almost pointless to what is going on and no nudity to speak of. All this adds up to a very bland action film.

So, this is a pretty bad film. Watched a film called Samurai Cop and it was bad too, but it was an awesomely bad film, while this one is just a dull bad which is way worse! That film still managed to entertain, while this one made me wonder when it was going to be over! Once again, I am not sure why they had the Russian dude have powers if they were going to be used the minimal number of times and he does nothing in the final scenes, and the film is titled after him, not Lemon's character!

In FIREHEAD, we are whisked away to Estonia, looking more like Pittsburg, where soldiers are in pursuit of a cyborg named Ivan (Brett Porter) who shoots blue lasers out of his eyeballs. Ivan winds up in the US, where he goes berserk and blows up factories.

Meanwhile, a man named Hart (Chris Lemmon) and a woman named Meila (Gretchen Becker) are on Ivan's trail.

Simultaneously, we discover that the head of a secret organization, named Vaughn (Christopher Plummer) has been profiting from Ivan's destructive behavior, but now wants him terminated.

Not-too surprisingly, Hart teams up with Ivan for the obligatory human / android bromance. Gunfire and explosions soon follow.

This is one wretchedly boring movie! Everything about it is cheap, dull, and absurd! Now, ordinarily, this might be a good thing. In other hands, say, David A. Prior's, this could have been an idiot masterpiece! Instead, it's a colonoscopy for the brain, minus anesthetic!

EXTRA POINTS FOR: The way the characters pose like they're getting their pictures taken, whenever they stop to fire their weapons!...

I bought this movie for the cover. Unfortunately, I had to take the whole thing. I used to think you could never go wrong buying movies sporting a flaming hammer and sickle, but apparently my logic is flawed. It opens as our hero, an obvious reject for the HeMan live action movie, helps a russian woman and her children evade certain death by moving them five feet to the left. The movie after this point kind of degenerates. For some reason, the military hire a chemist to track down this ne'er do well, who is in America blowing stuff up with his eyes which, coincedentally, shoot lightning bolts. Apparently, he only does this on days that are prime numbers and this ability doesn't work on shoddily assembled chain link fences. Not that he was in any real danger, the only person in this movie who could shoot straight was me, and I'll miss that TV. The most interesting part of this movie was the 15 minutes after the credits, where I stared at a blank screen expecting an apology. If you decide to watch this movie, The Bull recommends doing it drunk, preferably on vodka, and far enough over the hill you won't remember it.

As far as the production itself: 2 stars, only for the presence of the classy Plummer (at least you can watch him and reflect on all the good movies he's been in) and ever-intense Landau (whose acting job here does him no favors.) Elsewise, this truly is an awful picture, thus made for Rifftrax. The mocking 'Trax team--I suspect when they were young, they made life miserable for a lot of unpopular kids who will no doubt come back as zombies to execute vengeance---have plenty to ridicule in this amateur spy shoot-em-up. Some of the riffs aren't their best level, but there are still plenty that hit the mark. The grade-school acting, plot, and dialogue give them a lot to work with. An amusing watch.

A super soldier with telekinetic abilities that at the beginning looks sort of silly. However, great acting by Christopher Plummer and Chris Lemmon and other support cast makes this a fun filled light-hearted comedy action flic. Make sure you don't take this movie too seriously else as it is not particularly realistic or believable, but it is definitely entertaining. Also, get the original version and not the 'mocking Trax' version. Great chemistry between telekinetic soldier and the character of Chris Lemmon while Gretchen Becker is also not only good as eye candy but acts well.