Alien Private Eye

I stumbled upon the 1989 action sci-fi movie "Alien Private Eye" in 2022. Had I ever heard about this movie? Nope, not even a single word. I liked the campy late-1980s feel from the movie's cover, so of course I opted to sit down and watch what Vik Rubenfeld had to offer with this movie.

Needless to say that I wasn't really expecting a whole lot here, to be bluntly honest. But still, with it being a movie that I hadn't already seen, of course it got a fair chance.

I managed to get through half of the 95 minutes that the movie ran for, then I just had more than my share of lousy acting performances, incoherent storyline, cheesy 1980s outfits, big hair and horrible dialogue. This movie was every bit as bad and cheesy as I had expected, and then some.

This is not a movie that I have any intention of returning to finish watching, because the storyline just entirely fell short of providing me with any sense of entertainment or enjoyment. And the sluggish and amateurish acting performances just did absolutely nothing to take away focus from the lack of a proper storyline or narrative.

No familiar faces on the cast list, so not even there could the movie manage to score some much needed points.

Sometimes you just wonder why no one ever puts a foot down and asks people to stop and have a look at what they are about to unleash upon the world. And "Alien Private Eye" was one such moment. This movie was really not worth the effort in any way.

My rating of Vik Rubenfeld's 1989 movie "Alien Private Eye" lands on a very generous two out of ten stars.

OK, I understand that writing a review of Alien Private Eye is like falling down an abandoned missile silo in north-central Kansas in the middle of a blizzard. Maybe somebody'll spot my mortal remains in the spring, maybe not. I write this in the faint hope that some fellow collector of video trash has found a copy in a bin somewhere, and is wondering whether it's worth $2.00, 3 for $5.00, and is checking out imdb.

Fellow wanderer from the 21st century, cop this treasure and you'll never be alone the rest of your life. People will follow you around in public begging to borrow it, and hotties of both sexes will throw pebbles against your windowpane at 3:30AM to try and get you to come out and play, and, oh, please bring THAT TAPE.

Maybe the weirdest part about this turd-on-tape is that all concerned didn't drop off the edge of the earth after it was...released? ejected?? The producer/ director/ writer/ honeywagon driver, Vik Rubenfeld (all over the credits simply as--VIKK, just--VIKK) has one other professional credit: executive producer of the syndie Early Edition. Hey, better than what I've got. Aspiring showbiz types, remember this. It IS possible to fall in pigsh*t in the movie bidness and arise ten years later smelling like a tea rose.

The protagonist, Nikki Fastinetti, does in fact look like one of the Pini's elves, particularly after gluing on the pointy ears that are the only indication he's an alien. Seriously, there's no other aspect of his being that has anything to do with his being from another world. He has no special powers, no interesting anatomical anomalies, no scene in which he beams up out of danger. His clothes, though. Oh sweet lord his clothes. Mr. Fastinetti is garbed throughout in the most amazing pimp vines imaginable. All I can guess is that these were either left over from some other production, or the director's girlfriend whipped these up in a moment of pure inspiration and wouldn't be denied.

But John Alexander's in it (Mikey from MIB). And Robert Axelrod, who's had one of those great careers that show that there is a middle ground in Hollywood between stardom and utter obscurity, a place where nice people buy cars on time and get mortgages and take budget-conscious vacations and build sensible stock portfolios (OK, for all I know Robert Axelrod is a painthuffing derelict who lives in a packing crate, but given his career of steady work and respectable little parts, it COULD happen).

Also something called "Nur Nur," one Nur Nur Cummings, who's overcome the stigma of being called Nur Nur and has actually produced another crappy movie. Nur Nur plays the #2 alien, and looks a whole lot like Mark Blankfield (and if that's before your time, a butch Gene Wilder). Nur Nur does the entire movie in a Peter Lorre voice. Not vaguely Peter Lorre, but a full-on Peter Lorre. Why? Only Nur Nur and his father confessor know. Like Lemro's alien-ness, it has absolutely nothing to do with anything else in the movie.

Cliff Adduddell hasn't done anything else, though. He doesn't need to. Cliff Adduddell is Kilgore, the bad guy. Kilgore is EVIL. Kilgore has a picture of Adolf Hitler, about the size of a baseball trading card, mounted 'way high up on the wall of his sanctum sanctorum, that he passionately worships. Kilgore snarls, emotes, shoots underlings, and is as much fun to watch as three seven-year-old boys with superhero capes on a backyard trampoline. His double-take near the end of the movie is an American classic. You'll howl, you'll throw things, you'll cop the shot as PC wallpaper.

What else? Oh, in the big sunfight between Nikki and the bad guys, watch for the ol' Switched Girlfriends Ploy. It's like Kilgore's Big Take, I won't attempt to describe it-watch it, savor it, rewind over and over again.

Do you treasure your multiple copies of Housegeist, each with a different title? Then find Alien Private Eye and store it in your nitrogen-atmosphere, 42º preservation vault, along with all the other great movies in your collection that you're 1000% sure will never, ever, ever see on DVD.

A pointy-eared alien working on Earth as a gumshoe becomes involved in a bloody street war over a mysterious extraterrestrial disc. To save the Earth and the Earth girl he loves, he must thwart the sinister plans of a cabalistic militia led by a sadistic psychopath, and junkies strung-out on a narcotic imported from another world.

Imagine yourself walking barefoot down a road strewn with thumb-tacks, your mouth filled with bullet ants, and clothespins on your nipples. That's how I'd best describe the searing agony and algolagnic ecstasy of watching ALIEN PRIVATE EYE, a movie so exotically awful that you might opt for a "safe word" your first time seeing it. It's the perfect storm...the most unendurably bad actors in the history of stage and screen, editing presumably performed with a Slap-Chop gadget, clichéd film noir trappings, pitiable action scene choreography, and a leading man dressed like 80s-era EL DEBARGE. Seriously...you never had it so good.

Only a massive stroke could inhibit a wide-grinned reaction to the unpremeditated hilarity of this steamrolling ne-plus-ultra...another fine product from RAE DON VIDEO.

This movie has everything going for it: Horrible acting, the most worthless plot ever conceived (if there was one) and clothes even michael jackson or elton john wouldn't wear.

Lemro is just horribly done that you can't tear your eyes from the screen. i strongly suggest everyone try to watch this, just so that you can base hollywood garbage on something even worse and actually be satisfied with what they're churning out nowadays.

I had a passing social acquaintance in the mid 90s with director Vik Rubenfeld and although we really didn't interact, from what I saw he did seem to want to help out up and coming writers.

So when I saw his name attached Alien Private Eye on the Vinegar Syndrome release, I knew I had to check it out.

Wow, it's bad.

Really bad.

It's almost "The Room" bad.

The plot is indescribably nonsensical and the acting is completely over the top bad.

I mean I have no idea why John Alexander does a Peter Lorre impression throughout the entire movie but since pretty much everyone else is completely over the top here, you just shrug your shoulders and say, "Eh, why not?"

The plot involves a criminal gang that manages to get their hands on an alien device that makes a super addictive version of crack.

Enter alien visitor (you can tell he's an alien by his pointed ears, which are concealed by his hilariously 1980s Pimp hat) Lemro who's vacationing on Earth, near Hollywood and is for some reason, working as a Private Detective.

He gets smitten with Earth girl Rene and gets pulled into the drug gangs antics when Rene's brother Rob (Played by Nur Nur Cummings. Really, that's his listed name) gets hooked on the alien drug called Soma against his will.

Lemro gets involved because of Rene and winds up with half the device and the gang hot on their tail.

That's the basic plot and if that doesn't do it for you, well there's plenty of bad over the top acting, bad martial arts battles, an obligatory car chase, bad wooden acting by the two female leads, some sex and nudity, a bad synthesizer music score, Costumes that showcase the worst of the 1980s fashion, and static cinematography.

I see Vik later created the CBS network drama Early Edition so I guess he didn't go full blown Tommy Wiseau.

I'm just not sure what he was thinking when he made this film.