Paranoid

I have a game. I believe I can find something interesting even intriguing in any film. This one tests me sorely because everything about the film itself is completely without merit. The only interesting thing is Jeanne Tripplehorn's presence. What a fall from grace! She was in one of the decade's blockbusters `Basic Instinct.'

In that, she was both attractive and showed some real acting promise. Not great, but promising. Rather like Ms Jolie or Theron at the time of this writing. She was also in the decade's hugest bomb, where her performance was harmoniously bad. How uneven a career. She was a strong harridan in the clever `Sliding Doors.' but helped `Mickey Blue Eyes' tank. "Till There Was You" was weakened by her. Now she shows up in a TV level piece of tripe. She could have saved this for me, because she had the chorus role. But she just didn't have the stuff. Is it drugs? Is it just random ups and downs?

I have not seen her in `Timecode.' That promises to be an important film for me. Let's hope for the best.

Alba fans be warned: This review contains the odd spoiler.

Jessica, Jessica, Jessica... (sigh). Those almond-shaped eyes, pillowy lips, wavy dark hair, strokeable olive skin, utterly perfect body, cute speaking voice, tight flawless behind... Like Cindy Crawford, Rosanna Arquette and Mariah Carey, Jessica Alba is one of those women who occupies a very special place in my affections. If only "Paranoid" was as appealing as she is.

Made by Sky Pictures (and sad proof that Sky is not the HBO of Britain), John Duigan's thrill-less thriller casts the gorgeous and sexy Jessica as an American model doing some work in London, who's plagued by a stalker, on good terms with her ex, and is persuaded to spend some time at a friend's house in the country, only to find that said house is seemingly entirely populated by weirdos (Iain Glen, Ewen Bremner, Jeanne Tripplehorn etc). The only interesting aspect of the movie not related to Miss Alba's charms is that our heroine is perpetually surrounded by weirdos even when she doesn't know it.

SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!

Her flat in London is spied on by a neighbour (Kevin Whately) who, though basically a stalker (he found her address book and thus started to be fascinated by her), is ultimately the one who rescues her from death in the end. Unfortunately they never meet, thereby denying us the closest thing we'll get to a "Dark Angel"/"Inspector Morse" crossover. But the last scene (revealing the identity of the phantom phone caller) indicates the poor girl still has her share of creeps in her life, without even knowing it.

WE NOW RETURN TO OUR REVIEW, STILL IN PROGRESS.

"Paranoid" does occasionally successfully conjure up an edgy, pervy atmosphere, and the cast does try their best, but the low budget and the off-key writing and directing from Duigan (on unfamiliar territory here, literally because he's Australian and figuratively considering his far superior dramas "The Year My Voice Broke," "Flirting" and "Sirens") defuse any impact. Jessica's performance is even more sullen and depressed than her character is supposed to be... and her lack of energy is certainly shared by the viewer. (Why she and Jeanne Tripplehorn were in this movie is beyond me. In fact, why ANYONE was in it is beyond me.) Unexciting and occasionally unpleasant, anti-Murdoch advocates ("See the kind of tosh Rupert puts out?"), Kevin Whately devotees and die-hard Alba fans are the only ones who need apply.

By the way, note the mocked-up "FHM" cover that she appears on at one point. Jessica has never done the famed lad mag in real life, an oversight I demand be corrected forthwith.

I consider myself to be an average movie-goer. Some films may take a few minutes to figure out AFTER you've seen it and those kinds of films are my faves.

"Paranoid" is COMPLETELY devoid of ANY plot of ANY kind. I recently rented this movie for the love of seeing the stunning Jessica Alba. I won't go into detail but just know this: NOTHING gets solved in this movie. It's supposed to be a psychological thriller, so where's the suspense? The intrigue? Or even the PLOT?

Jessica's character is entrapped in a basement for "something" and we NEVER find out what exactly for! There are around 6-7 sub-plots that occur and NOTHING ever gets explained about why they happened! All the characters are completely DEVOID of personality, even the talented Ewen Bremner stalls the movie. Jessica herself is ALWAYS great to look at and it's easy to tell that she is trying her damndest to look like a tortured soul in this mediocre role.

Throughout the entire film, she gives a sour look on her face and never looks back. And to all of you who rented this film because of Jessica's nipple slip, YES, there is one but it is NOT the one in the beginning of the film. Anyway, the other players like Jeanne Tripplehorne, 14-year old Mischa Barton, and Iain Glen (who later starred as the villain in the Tomb Raider flick) really bog down this film. They are SO one-dimensional that you fall asleep as they try to look and act dastardly.

Here's a good example: Iain's character decides to suffocate Jessica's character with a large see-through plastic as she is handcuffed to the bed. Jessica writhes in horror as we see him try to "kill" her. A few seconds later he removes the plastic and says "YEAH! You nearly lost control there, didn't you?" This is another sub-plot that happens and is NEVER explained. AARRGGH!!! And while we're on the subject of disastrous, never-explained subplots, I'll bite the bullet and actually reveal them all right here!

--SUBPLOT #1: Jessica's character loathes her profession and what she's become. This is addressed a few times in the movie but never touched on again.

--SUBPLOT #2: Jessica's character has dual boyfriends. Both are musicians with really sketchy pasts and with really dull plot twists.

--SUBPLOT #3: Jessica's character has a voyeur neighbor who spies on her and gives her gratuitous phone calls. He later becomes integral to the last act of the film but we never find out the who, what, and why of this character. AARRGHH!!

--SUBPLOT #4: In the middle of the film, Iain's character imprisons Jessica for watching a videotape. But a few scenes later, we "find out" that he imprisoned her for something else and we NEVER know why!

--SUBPLOT #5: We find out later in the film that one of Jessica's boyfriend is married (to one of the ladies from "Couplings"). The wife stops by the lodge and sort of brings conflict for a few scenes and then disappears for the rest of the film.

--SUBPLOT #6: What the hell is up with Mischa Barton's character? I can't even begin to describe how useless her character and her own subplot was!

--SUBPLOT #7: Ewen Bremner brings a creepy presence in the film. He does a sort of okay job portraying the straight character. He videotapes everything in the lodge but we never know why!

--SUBPLOT #8: When Jessica first arrives in the lodge, she settles into her room and is being spied on through a sort of "Psycho" peephole. We see this camera trick once or twice and then that's it! We never know who it is or the significance of this peephole.

--SUBPLOT #9: Iain and Jeanne Tripplehorne's characters grill Jessica about her profession. We learn of Jessica's disgust and her lack of control of her life. And then...we never hear about it again.

--SUBPLOT #10: Jessica takes a few pills in the film. Supposedly, this habit leads to her downfall but like the other subplots...never gets mentioned or seen again.

I could go on and on and on with all the B.S. subplots but I think we all know one thing: many subplots DO NOT equal a plot!

In case I haven't mentioned it yet, this film BLOWS! It was a chance to see sexy Jessica strut her stuff and it was a complete waste. To see a more sexy Jessica, go rent "The Sleeping Dictionary". It isn't as bad as "Paranoid" but at least she shines in that film.

Avoid renting this film unless you are a VERY eager Jessica Alba fan. And just in advance: My apologies if you had to endure "Paranoid".

It all just seems a bit formulaic. These days unless you have a completely fresh idea (which this wasn't) then you have to add something on (which this doesn't), otherwise you're just making the same movie with different actors. I liked the idea to take the story away from America which gave it that "you're along way from home" spooky, kind of feeling. But I feel they sacrificed good acting for this which is a shame because if they could've combined both I'm sure it would have been slightly more successful.

None the less it's not all bad. For Jessica Alba fans it'll be easier to sit through than some of her other duller movies. And for everyone else, well maybe there's something there for people who enjoy spooky type endings, but if not, there are definitely other ones out there to see before this.

This is one of the worst "movies" you'll ever see. There is a very good reason that it went straight to video, because it's just plain awful. I wouldn't recommend this to someone I really hated, I don't hate anyone that badly. The story is as terrible as the directing, and only the acting is worse. Alba is just awful here and will set new lows in movie performances that will make Luke Skywalker look like a god. The movie's plot isn't worth mentioning because after the first few minutes you won't care. It's about 90 minutes but seems like the Titanic revisited. Don't see this for Alba, just don't see it and do yourself a favor.