Frost: Portrait of a Vampire

This movie was absolute crap. Nothing in it makes sense. It's funny because there's just no point. Read the tagline! What the hell does that even mean? Were they trying to make a horrible film?

The lead actor, whose name is Jack Frost in the movie, looks like a cross between George Michael and Kevin Smith. It's all downhill form there. They try to incorporate some sort of ridiculous war story into the plot, and it doesn't work at all. All of the actors just look goofy and the writing just makes no sense at all. They do throw in some nudity for good measure though, and to keep people from turning the movie off. I imagine they were trying to make Frost into some sort of cult hero like Ash or something, but, no, not even close. He walks around with his stupid sunglasses killing people. It's all really, really lame. So, yeah, they got all that. Then they got some top of the line computer effects. The helicopters in the movie will blow you away, I totally couldn't tell they were fake, same goes for the bats. I couldn't believe that the director, or whoever the hell it was did a special feature w/ commentary for the special effects. They're laughable at best. The whole movie is laughable actually. Gary Busey's total screen time is about 2 minutes. 2 non-consecutive minutes.

If you're looking for a laugh, definitely check this out. The complete non-sensical-ness(word?) all will have you cracking up.

This is one of those rare movies that has absolutely nothing to recommend it. From beginning to end there are no high points. There aren't even points high enough to be called low - it is unrelentingly abysmal.

The acting is so bad you wonder if the cast members are even allowed to join Actors' Equity. I've seen better set design in high school plays. Continuity was awful, costumes were awful, everything was awful. Every possible detail was neglected or overlooked.

It drew an R rating - ostensibly for violence and nudity - but if that's what you're looking for, don't bother. The violence is tame and so poorly choreographed and directed that you're more likely to yawn than gasp. And you can see as much nudity on prime time broadcast TV. The actors aren't even good looking. Not even the gratuitous nude (her whole part was gratuitous not just her nude scene).

Do yourself a favor and leave this one alone.

This movie was BEAUTIFULLY done in the genre of "Movies no one will ever want to watch." Gary Busey is the only redeeming factor, and not even because of his acting, but because he's Gary Busey. If this movie was never made, I probably would have done something better with the time that was wasted from my life watching this flick. The question every single one of you will have with this movie is...WHY THE GLASSES? The guy NEVER takes off his glasses, except to sleep. Ridiculous.

Overall, I'm willing to give this a star. Only one though. Out of 10. What's that? You want more? You can't have more. Not yours.

One (1) star out of Ten (10)

This movie was REALLY REALLY badly done. It's not worth really saying much about it other than that, but it was SO bad that I just had to write SOMETHING about it.

There are no redeeming features in this movie. Why would Gary Busey do something like this? I don't understand.

I think there`s a straight to video film called OCTOPUS which spends the first half of its running time being an action packed thriller ( Or meekly tries to ) then all of a sudden turns into a horror movie about a giant octopus . Well it`s the same with PORTRAIT OF A VAMPIRE which opens with a very brief scene with a Jerry Springer lookalike examining a body drained of blood then the film flashes back to Afghanistan in August 1989 ( Hadn`t the red army pulled out of there before then ? )which resembles the Nex Mexico desert . Not very convincing but it gets worse as we`re treated to a battle scene featuring CGI helicopters . How do I know they`re CGI ? Well it`s so obvious it`s impossible not to notice . It`s also impossible not to notice the pathetic standard of acting either and it`s at this point the script decides to meet the production`s dismal standards as it bores us ( No spoilers because you can see it coming a mile away ) with double and triple crosses in Mexico a year later . It`s at this point you find yourself asking what have I got to do to get an equity card ? , or how come film companies turn my scripts down when they finance crap like this ? and most importantly if this movie is called PORTRAIT OF A VAMPIRE then shouldn`t it be a horror film and not a crap action thriller similar to something Cannon used to produce in the mid 1980s ? It does turn into a horror movie about halfway through but the horror aspects are as badly done as the action adventure bits . I was going to feel sorry for Gary Busey appearing in this but it`s not like someone stuck a gun to head and made him do it . If you decide to appear in a film like this it`s your own fault and you deserve no sympathy

So just to sum up if you enjoy horror films you won`t want to see this because it`s not a horror film , it`s a horrible film . And if you enjoy action films you won`t want to see it either due to the laughable production values