- Donnie: I hope that when the world comes to an end, I can breathe a sigh of relief, because there will be so much to look forward to.
- Dr. Lilian Thurman: Donnie, what did Roberta Sparrow say to you?
- Donnie: She said that every living creature on Earth dies alone.
- Ronald Fisher: Beer and pussy. That's all I need.
- Sean Smith: We gotta find ourselves a Smurfette.
- Ronald Fisher: Smurfette?
- Sean Smith: Mm-hmm. Not some, like, tight-ass Middlesex chick, you know? Like, this cute little blonde that will get down and dirty with the guys. Like Smurfette does.
- Donnie: Smurfette doesn't fuck.
- Sean Smith: That's bullshit. Smurfette fucks all the other Smurfs. Why do you think Papa Smurf made her? Because all the other Smurfs were getting too horny.
- Ronald Fisher: No, no, no, not Vanity. I heard he was a homosexual.
- Sean Smith: Okay, well, you know what? Then she fucks them while Vanity watches. Okay?
- Ronald Fisher: What about Papa Smurf? I mean, he must get in on all the action.
- Sean Smith: Yeah, what he does, he films the gang-bang. Later on, he beats off to the tape.
- Donnie: [matter-of-factly] First of all, Papa Smurf didn't create Smurfette. Gargamel did. She was sent in as Gargamel's evil spy with the intention of destroying the Smurf village. But the overwhelming goodness of the Smurf way of life transformed her. And as for the whole gang-bang scenario - It just couldn't happen. Smurfs are asexual. They don't even have reproductive organs under those little white pants. That's what's so illogical, you know, about being a Smurf. What's the point of living... if you don't have a dick?
- Ronald Fisher: [pause] Damn it, Donnie. Why do you gotta get so smart on us?
- Donnie: Well, life isn't that simple. I mean, who cares if Ling Ling returns the wallet and keeps the money? It has nothing to do with either fear or love.
- Kitty Farmer: Fear and love are the deepest of human emotions.
- Donnie: Okay. But you're not listening to me. There are other things that need to be taken into account here, like the whole spectrum of human emotion. You can't just lump everything into these two categories and then just deny everything else.
- Dr. Lilian Thurman: Do you feel alone right now?
- Donnie: Oh, I don't know. I mean, I'd like to believe I'm not, but I just... I've just never seen any proof, so I... I just don't debate it anymore, you know? It's like I could spend my whole life debating it over and over again, weighing the pros and cons. And in the end, I still wouldn't have any proof. So I just... I just don't debate it anymore. It's absurd.
- Dr. Lilian Thurman: The search for God is absurd?
- Donnie: It is if everyone dies alone.
- Dr. Lilian Thurman: Does that scare you?
- Donnie: I don't want to be alone.
- Rose Darko: Our son just called me a bitch.
- Edward Darko: You're not a bitch. You're bitchin', but you're not a bitch.
- [Seth is holding a knife to Donnie's throat as a car approaches along the road]
- Seth Devlin: Did you call the fucking cops?
- Donnie: Deus ex machina.
- Seth Devlin: What did you just say? What the fuck did you just say?
- Donnie: Our savior.
- Donnie: You're such a fuck-ass!
- Rose Darko: Please.
- Elizabeth: What? Did you just call me a "fuck-ass"?
- Rose Darko: Elizabeth, that's enough.
- Elizabeth: You can go suck a fuck.
- Donnie: Oh, please, tell me, Elizabeth, how exactly does one suck a fuck?
- Elizabeth: You want me to tell you?
- Donnie: Please, tell me.
- Rose Darko: We will not have this at the dinner table.
- Donnie: [Mouthing] I'm all ears!
- [from the Extended and Deleted Scenes. The class is discussing "Watership Down"]
- Karen Pommeroy: When the other rabbits hear of Fiver's vision, do they believe him?
- Donnie: Why should we care?
- Karen Pommeroy: Because the rabbits are us, Donnie.
- Donnie: Why should I mourn for a rabbit like it was human?
- Karen Pommeroy: Are you saying that the death of one species is less tragic than another?
- Donnie: Of course. The rabbit's not like us. It has no history books, no photographs, no knowledge of sorrow or regret. I mean, I'm sorry, Miss Pommeroy. Don't get me wrong. You know, I like rabbits and all. They're cute and they're horny. And if you're cute and you're horny, then you're probably happy that you don't know who you are or why you're even alive. You just wanna have sex as many times as possible before you die. I just don't see the point in crying over a dead rabbit, you know, who never even feared death to begin with.
- Dr. Lilian Thurman: Donnie. An atheist is someone who denies altogether the existence of God. You're an agnostic. An agnostic is someone who believes that there can be no proof of the existence of God, but does not deny a possibility that God exists.
- Gretchen: And what if you could go back in time and take all those hours of pain and darkness and replace them with something better?
- Dr. Lilian Thurman: Do you still think about girls a lot?
- Donnie: [Under hypnosis] Yeah.
- Dr. Lilian Thurman: How are things going at school?
- Donnie: I think about girls a lot.
- Dr. Lilian Thurman: I asked you about school, Donnie.
- Donnie: I think about fucking a lot during school.
- Dr. Lilian Thurman: What else do you think about during school?
- Donnie: Married with Children.
- Dr. Lilian Thurman: Do you think about your family?
- Donnie: I just turn down the volume and think about fucking Christina Applegate.
- Dr. Lilian Thurman: I asked you about your family, Donnie.
- Donnie: [Chuckling] No. I don't think about fucking my family. That's gross.
- Donnie: [reading poem in class] "'A storm is coming,' Frank says. 'A storm that will swallow the children. And I will deliver them from the kingdom of Bane. I'll deliver the children back to their doorsteps. I'll send the monsters back to the underground. I'll send them back to a place where no one else can see them except for me, 'cause I am Donnie Darko.'"
- [Donnie tries to kiss Gretchen and she pulls away]
- Donnie: I - I'm sorry. I...
- Gretchen: Look, Donnie, wait.
- Donnie: I like you a lot.
- Gretchen: I just want it to be at a time when it...
- Donnie: When what?
- Gretchen: When it reminds me just...
- Donnie: When it reminds you how beautiful the world can be?
- Gretchen: Yeah.
- [turns her head]
- Gretchen: And right now there's some fat guy over there staring at us.
- Jim Cunningham: Son... Do you see this?
- Donnie: Right?
- Jim Cunningham: This is an anger prisoner. A textbook example.
- Donnie: Anger prisoner.
- Jim Cunningham: Do you see the fear, people? This boy is scared to death of the truth. Son, it breaks my heart to say this, but I believe you are a very troubled and confused young man. I believe you are searching for the answers in all the wrong places.
- Donnie: You're right, actually. I am pretty... I'm pretty troubled and I'm pretty confused, but I... And I'm afraid. Really, really afraid. Really afraid. But I-I think you're the fucking Antichrist.
- Kitty Farmer: If you don't complete the assignment, you'll get a zero for the day.
- [motions to speak...]
- Kitty Farmer: [cut to principal's office]
- Principal Cole: Donald, let me preface this by saying that your Iowa test scores are... intimidating. So... let's go over this again. What exactly did you say to Ms. Farmer?
- Kitty Farmer: [loudly interjecting] I'll tell you what he said! He asked me to forcibly insert the lifeline exercise card into my anus!
- [Eddie snickers, then coughs to cover it up]
- Karen Pommeroy: This famous linguist once said that of all the phrases in the English language, of all the endless combinations of words in all of history, that "cellar door" is the most beautiful.
- Donnie: [to Pommeroy, about the Graham Greene story] Well, they say it right when they flood the house, and they tear it to shreds that, like, uh, destruction is a form of creation. So the fact that they burn the money is ironic. They just want to see what happens when they tear the world apart. They want to change things.
- [last lines]
- Gretchen: Hey. What's going on?
- David: Horrible accident. My neighbor, he got killed.
- Gretchen: What happened?
- David: Got smushed by a jet engine.
- Gretchen: What was his name?
- David: Donnie. Donnie Darko.
- Gretchen: Hmm.
- David: I feel bad for his family.
- Gretchen: Yeah.
- David: Did you know him?
- Gretchen: No.
- Donnie: [in a letter] Dear Roberta Sparrow, I have reached the end of your book and there are so many things that I need to ask you. Sometimes I'm afraid of what you might tell me. Sometimes I'm afraid that you'll tell me that this is not a work of fiction. I can only hope that the answers will come to me in my sleep. I hope that when the world comes to an end, I can breathe a sigh of relief, because there will be so much to look forward to.
- Edward Darko: I-I know I'm not the best communicator, but... whatever happens to you, be honest, tell the truth, even if they do look at you funny. They will. But what you gotta understand, Son, is that almost all of those people are full of shit.
- [laughs]
- Edward Darko: They're all part of this great big conspiracy of bullshit. And they're scared of people like you, because those bullshitters know that you're smarter than all of them. You know what you say to people like that? Hmm? "Fuck you."
- [to Cherita Chen]
- Donnie: I promise that one day, everything's gonna be better for you.
- Cherita Chen: [with accent] Shut up!
- Donnie: [Talking about portals through space-time] Well, could these portals, um... Could these portals just appear anywhere, anytime?
- Prof. Kenneth Monnitoff: I think that's highly unlikely. No, I think what you're talking about is an act of God.
- Donnie: Well, if God controls time, then all time is pre-decided.
- Prof. Kenneth Monnitoff: I'm not following you.
- Donnie: Every living thing follows along a set path. And if you could see your path or channel, then you could see into the future, right? Like, uh... It's a form of time travel.
- Prof. Kenneth Monnitoff: Well, you're-you're contradicting yourself there, Donnie. If we were able to see our destinies manifest themselves visually, then we would be given a choice to betray our chosen destinies. And the mere fact that this choice exists would make all preformed destiny, uh, come to an end.
- Donnie: Not if you travel within God's channel.
- Prof. Kenneth Monnitoff: Um, I'm not going to be able to continue this conversation.
- Donnie: Why?
- Prof. Kenneth Monnitoff: I could lose my job.
- Donnie: Okay.
- Dr. Lilian Thurman: If the sky were to suddenly open up, there would be no law, there would be no rule. There would only be you and your memories.
- Gretchen: Um, where do I sit?
- Karen Pommeroy: Sit next to the boy you think is the cutest.
- [the class gasps]
- Karen Pommeroy: Quiet! Let her choose.
- Emily Bates: Beth's mom said the boys' locker room was flooded and they found feces everywhere.
- Susie Bates: What are feces?
- Emily Bates: Baby mice.
- Susie Bates: Aww.
- Rose Darko: I don't think telling any woman to forcibly insert an object into her anus is something that should go without consequence.
- Edward Darko: I think we should buy him a moped.
- Rose Darko: I think we should get a divorce.
- Prof. Kenneth Monnitoff: And did you stop and think that maybe infants need darkness? That maybe darkness is part of their natural environment?
- Kitty Farmer: Rose, I'm sure that you're aware of the horrible allegations against Jim Cunningham.
- Rose Darko: I know. I saw it on TV. Something about a "kiddie porn dungeon."
- Kitty Farmer: Please, please! Don't use those words! It's obviously some kind of conspiracy to destroy an innocent man. And I have taken it upon myself to spearhead the Jim Cunningham defense campaign.
- Kitty Farmer: [pleading] Rose, I have to appear at his arraignment tomorrow morning. And as you know, the girls are scheduled to leave for Los Angeles in the morning. Now, as their coach, I was the obvious choice to chaperone them on their trip, but...
- Rose Darko: [feigning concern] But now, you can't go.
- Kitty Farmer: Yes.
- Rose Darko: Hmm.
- Kitty Farmer: Now, believe me, of all the other mothers, I would never dream of asking you. But none of the other mothers are available to go.
- Rose Darko: I don't know, Kitty. It's a bad weekend. Eddie's in New York.
- Kitty Farmer: [tearfully] Rose! I don't know if you realize what an opportunity this is for our daughters! This has been a dream of Samantha's and all of ours for a long time! I made her lead dancer! Sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion.
- Donnie: I was in jail once. I mean I accidentally burned down this house. It was abandoned, but still, I got held back in school and I can't drive until I'm 21. But I'm over all of that. I... I... I'm painting and stuff. Writing. I want to be a writer, or maybe a painter, I don't know, or maybe both. I'll write a book and draw the pictures. Then maybe people will understand me. I don't know, change things.
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