- [first lines]
- Prime Minister: Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often, it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around.
- Billy Mack: Hiya kids. Here is an important message from your Uncle Bill. Don't buy drugs. Become a pop star, and they give you them for free!
- Billy Mack: I realized that Christmas is... is the time to be with the people you love.
- Joe: Right.
- Billy Mack: And I realized that, as dire chance and... and... and fateful cockup would have it, here I am, mid-50s, and without knowing it I've gone and spent most of my adult life with a... with a chubby employee. And... and much as it grieves me to say it, it... it might be that the people I love is, in fact... you.
- [pause]
- Joe: Well, this is a surprise.
- Billy Mack: Yeah.
- Joe: Ten minutes at Elton John's, you're as gay as a maypole!
- [talking about her ex-boyfriend]
- Natalie: He said no one's gonna fancy a girl with thighs the size of big tree trunks. Not a nice guy, actually, in the end.
- Prime Minister: Ah! You know, um, being Prime Minister, I could just have him murdered.
- Natalie: Thank you, sir. I'll think about it.
- Prime Minister: Do. The SAS are absolutely charming. Ruthless trained killers are just a phone call away.
- Juliet: [after watching Mark's video of her] But... you never talk to me. You always talk to Peter. You don't like me.
- Mark: I hope it's useful. Don't show it around too much. It needs a bit of editing. Look, I've gotta get to a lunch. Early lunch. You can just show yourself out, can't you?
- [pauses]
- Mark: It's a... self-preservation thing, you see.
- [deleted scene; Daniel and Sam are discussing Sam's true love]
- Daniel: Option One: ask her out.
- Sam: Impossible.
- Daniel: Fair enough. Option Two: become her friend.
- Sam: She's the most popular girl in school and she hates boys.
- Daniel: Okay. Option Three: kidnap her and keep her tied up in your room until she agrees to marry you.
- Sam: It's a route I've considered.
- Daniel: And quite rightly rejected on the grounds of...
- Sam: Hygiene.
- [having just sung the words "Love is all around me" instead of "Christmas is all around me" yet again]
- Billy Mack: Oh! Fuck wank bugger shitting arse head and hole!
- Press Conference Reporter: Mr. President, has it been a good visit?
- The President: Very satisfactory indeed. We got what we came for, and our special relationship is still very special.
- Press Conference Reporter: Prime Minister?
- Prime Minister: I love that word "relationship." Covers all manner of sins, doesn't it? I fear that this has become a bad relationship; a relationship based on the President taking exactly what he wants and casually ignoring all those things that really matter to, erm... Britain. We may be a small country, but we're a great one, too. The country of Shakespeare, Churchill, the Beatles, Sean Connery, Harry Potter. David Beckham's right foot. David Beckham's left foot, come to that. And a friend who bullies us is no longer a friend. And since bullies only respond to strength, from now onward I will be prepared to be much stronger. And the President should be prepared for that.
- [on sheets of poster board]
- Mark: With any luck, by next year - I'll be going out with one of these girls.
- [shows pictures of beautiful supermodels]
- Mark: But for now, let me say - Without hope or agenda - Just because it's Christmas - And at Christmas you tell the truth - To me, you are perfect - And my wasted heart will love you - Until you look like this.
- [picture of a mummy]
- Mark: Merry Christmas.
- [in Portuguese]
- Jamie: Beautiful Aurelia, I've come here with a view of asking you to marriage me. I know I seems an insane person - because I hardly knows you - but sometimes things are so transparency, they don't need evidential proof. And I will inhabit here, or you can inhabit with me in England.
- Sophia Barros: [in Portuguese] Definitely go for England, girl. You'll meet Prince William - then you can marry him instead.
- Karen: Tell me, if you were in my position, what would you do?
- Harry: What position is that?
- Karen: Imagine your husband bought a gold necklace, and come Christmas gave it to somebody else...
- Harry: Oh, Karen...
- Karen: Would you wait around to find out...
- Parent: Good night!
- Karen: Night, night. Happy Christmas!
- [back to Harry]
- Karen: Would you wait around to find out if it's just a necklace, or if it's sex and a necklace, or if, worst of all, it's a necklace and love? Would you stay, knowing life would always be a little bit worse? Or would you cut and run?
- Harry: Oh, God. I am so in the wrong. The classic fool!
- Karen: [voice breaking] Yes, but you've also made a fool out of me, and you've made the life I lead foolish, too!
- Karen: The trouble with being the Prime Minister's sister is, it does put your life into rather harsh perspective. What did my brother do today? He stood up and fought for his country. And what did I do? I made a papier maché lobster head.
- Colin: [after insulting the food] And what do you do Nancy?
- Nancy the caterer: I'm a cook.
- Colin: Ever do weddings?
- Nancy the caterer: Yes I do.
- Colin: They should have asked you to do this one.
- Nancy the caterer: They did.
- Colin: God I wish you hadn't turned it down.
- Nancy the caterer: I didn't.
- Daniel: Tell her that you love her.
- Sam: No way! Anyway, they fly tonight.
- Daniel: Even better! Sam, you've got nothin' to lose, and you'll always regret it if you don't! I never told your mom enough. I should have told her everyday because she was perfect everyday. You've seen the films, kiddo. It ain't over 'til its over.
- Sam: Okay, Dad. Let's do it. Let's go get the shit kicked out of us by love.
- [At the altar, just before Peter is married]
- Peter: No surprises?
- Mark: No surprises.
- Peter: Not like the stag night?
- Mark: Unlike the stag night.
- Peter: Do you admit the Brazilian prostitutes were a mistake?
- Mark: I do.
- Peter: And it would have been much better if they'd not turned out to be men?
- Mark: That is true.
- [in the record studio, Billy breaks off singing "Christmas Is All Around"]
- Billy Mack: This is shit, isn't it?
- Joe: [gleefully] Yep, solid gold shit, maestro.
- Prime Minister: Ah, hello. Is, er, Natalie in?
- Natalie: [coming down stairs] Where the fuck is my fucking coat?
- [sees Prime Minister]
- Natalie: Oh, hello.
- Prime Minister: Hello.
- [Natalie, a secretary, is greeting the Prime Minister]
- Natalie: Hello, David. I mean "sir". Shit, I can't believe I've just said that. And now I've gone and said "shit" - twice. I'm so sorry, sir.
- Prime Minister: It's fine, it's fine. You could've said "fuck," and then we'd have been in real trouble.
- Natalie: Thank you, sir. I did have an awful premonition that I was gonna fuck up on the first day. Oh, piss it!
- Jamie: Er... Would you like the last, uh...?
- Aurelia: [in Portuguese] Thank you very much, but no.
- Jamie: No?
- Aurelia: [in Portuguese] If you saw my sister, you'd understand why.
- Jamie: That's all right, more for me.
- Aurelia: [in Portuguese] Just don't go eating it all yourself, you're getting chubbier every day.
- Jamie: I'm very lucky, I've got one of those constitutions where I never put on weight.
- Sam: There's this big concert at the end of term, and Joanna's in it. And I thought, maybe if I was in the band, and played absolutely superbly, there's a chance that she might actually fall in love with me. What do you think?
- Daniel: I think it's brilliant! I think it's stellar! Uh, apart from the one, obvious, tiny, little baby little hiccup...
- Sam: That I don't play a musical instrument.
- Daniel: Yessir.
- Sam: A tiny, insignificant detail.
- Harry: Tell me, exactly, how long it is that you've been working here?
- Sarah: Two years, seven months, three days and, I suppose, what... two hours?
- Harry: And how long have you been in love with Karl, our enigmatic chief designer?
- Sarah: Ahm, two years, seven months, three days and, I suppose, an hour and thirty minutes.
- Harry: I thought as much.
- Sarah: Do you think everybody knows?
- Harry: Yes.
- Sarah: Do you think Karl knows?
- Harry: Yes.
- Sarah: Oh, that is... that is bad news.
- Harry: Well I just thought maybe the time had come to do something about it.
- Sarah: Like what?
- Harry: Invite him out for a drink and then, after about twenty minutes, casually drop into the conversation the fact that you'd like to marry him and have lots of sex and babies.
- Sarah: You know that?
- Harry: Yes, and so does Karl. Think about it, for all our sakes. It's Christmas.
- Sarah: Certainly. Excellent. Will do. Thanks, boss!
- [at a Cabinet meeting]
- Prime Minister: Who do you have to screw around here to get a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit?
- [Natalie walks in with a tea trolley and smiles demurely at the Prime Minister]
- Daniel: So what's the problem, Sammy-o? Is it just Mum, or is it something else? Maybe... school - are you being bullied? Or is it something worse? Can you give me any clues at all?
- Sam: You really want to know?
- Daniel: I really want to know.
- Sam: Even though you won't be able to do anything to help?
- Daniel: Even if that's the case, yeah.
- Sam: Okay. Well, the truth is... actually... I'm in love.
- Daniel: Sorry?
- Sam: I know I should be thinking about Mum all the time, and I am. But the truth is, I'm in love and I was before she died, and there's nothing I can do about it.
- Daniel: [laughs] Aren't you a bit young to be in love?
- Sam: No.
- Daniel: Oh, well, okay... right. Well, I mean, I'm a little relieved.
- Sam: Why?
- Daniel: Well, because I thought it would be something worse.
- Sam: [incredulous] Worse than the total agony of being in love?
- Daniel: Oh. No, you're right. Yeah, total agony.
- Mikey, DJ interviewer: Wow. Thanks for that, Bill.
- Billy Mack: For what?
- Mikey, DJ interviewer: Well, for actually giving a real answer to a question. Doesn't often happen here at "Radio Watford" I can tell you.
- Billy Mack: Ask me anything you like, I'll tell you the truth.
- Mikey, DJ interviewer: Uh, best shag you've ever had?
- Billy Mack: Britney Spears.
- Mikey, DJ interviewer: Wow!
- Billy Mack: No, only kidding. She was rubbish.
- Billy Mack: I left Elton's, where there were a hefty number of half-naked chicks with their mouths open, in order to hang out with you, at Christmas.
- Joe: Well, Bill...
- Billy Mack: It's a terrible, terrible mistake, Chubs, but you turn out to be the fucking love of my life. And to be honest, despite all my complaining, we have had a wonderful life.
- Mia: [the Prime Minister has knocked on Mia's door looking for Natalie] You're not who I think you are, are you?
- Prime Minister: Yes, I'm afraid I am. And I'm sorry for all the cock-ups, my cabinet are absolute crap. We'll have to do better next year.
- [the Prime Minister is knocking on doors to find Natalie]
- Harris Street old lady: Aren't you the Prime Minister?
- Prime Minister: Yes, in fact, I am. Merry Christmas.
- Harris Street old lady: Oh...!
- Prime Minister: Part of the service, now. Trying to get round to everyone by New Year's Eve.
- [Jamie has just proposed to Aurelia]
- Aurelia: Thank you. That will be nice. Yes is being my answer. Easy question.
- [to a portrait of Margaret Thatcher]
- Prime Minister: *You* have this kind of problem? Yeah... of course you did, you saucy minx!
- Daniel: So, let's go. We can definitely crack this. Remember, I was a kid once, too. So come on, it's someone at school, right?
- Sam: Yeah.
- Daniel: Aha, good, good. And what does she - he - feel about ya?
- Sam: *She* doesn't even know my name. And even if she did, she'd despise me. She's the coolest girl in school and everyone worships her because she's heaven.
- Daniel: Good. Good.
- [sits on the couch next to Sam]
- Daniel: Well...
- [grins]
- Daniel: Basically, you're fucked, aren't you?
- [having just been exposed kissing Natalie on a school stage during a student concert in front of hundreds of children and parents]
- Prime Minister: Right. So, not quite as secret as we'd hoped.
- Natalie: What do we do now?
- Prime Minister: Smile. Little bow. And a wave.
- [to the Prime Minister, after a fruitless day of failed negotiations between Britain and America]
- The President: I'll give you anything you ask for - as long as it's not something I don't want to give.
- [to Harry]
- Karen: Now which doll shall we give Daisy's little friend Emily? The one that looks like a transvestite or the one that looks like a dominatrix?
- Rufus: [gift wrapping a gold necklace] Let me just pop it in the box. There.
- Harry: Look, can we be quite quick?
- Rufus: Certainly sir. Ready in the flashiest of flashes!
- [he ties a ribbon around it]
- Rufus: There.
- Harry: That's great.
- Rufus: Not quite finished...
- Harry: [Rufus pulls out a plastic bag] Actually, I don't need a bag, I'll just put it in my pocket.
- Rufus: Oh this isn't a bag, sir.
- Harry: Really?
- Rufus: This is SO much more than a bag...
- Prime Minister: Hello, does Natalie live here?
- Harris Street little girl: No, she doesn't.
- Prime Minister: Oh, dear. Okay.
- Harris Street little girl: Are you singing carols?
- Prime Minister: Uh, no. No I'm not.
- Her friend: Please, sir, please?
- Her friend: Please!
- Prime Minister: Well, I suppose I could.
- Her friend: Please?
- Prime Minister: Alright.
- Harris Street little girl, Her friend, Her friend: Yay!
- Prime Minister: [singing] Good King Wenceslas looked out, on the Feast of Stephen /
- [his driver joins in]
- Prime Minister: When the snow lay round about, deep and crisp and even / Brightly shone the moon that night...
- Juliet: I thought I might be able to swap it for some pie or... or maybe Munchies?
- Mark: Actually, I was being serious. I don't know where it is. I'll have a poke around tonight...
- Juliet: Mark, can I say something?
- Mark: Yeah.
- Juliet: I know you're Peter's best friend and I know you've never particularly warmed to me. Look, don't... don't argue. We've never got friendly. But I just wanted to say, I hope that can change. I'm nice. I really am. Apart from my terrible taste in pie and... It would be great if we could be friends.
- Mark: Absolutely.
- Juliet: Great.
- Mark: Doesn't mean we'll be able to find the video, though. I had a real search when you first called and couldn't any trace of it, so...
- Juliet: Well, there's one here that says "Peter and Juliet's Wedding". Do you think we might be on the right track?
- [at his wife's funeral]
- Daniel: Jo and I had uh, a lot of time to prepare for this moment. Some of her, uh, requests - for instance, that I should bring Claudia Schiffer as my date to the funeral - I was confident she expected me to ignore.
- [in Portuguese]
- Jamie: Good evening. Mr. Barros?
- Mr. Barros: Yes?
- Jamie: I am here to ask your daughter for her hands in marriage.
- Mr. Barros: You want to marry my daughter?
- Jamie: Yes.
- Mr. Barros: [yelling toward the back of the house] Come here, there is a man at the door. He wants to marry you.
- [a large and confused woman emerges]
- Sophia Barros: But I've never seen him before.
- Mr. Barros: Who cares?
- Sophia Barros: You're going to sell me to a complete stranger?
- Mr. Barros: Sell? Who said 'sell?' I'll pay him.
- Jamie: Pardon me. I'm meaning your other daughter - Aurelia.
- [at his wife's funeral]
- Daniel: When she first mentioned what's about to happen, I said, "Over my dead body." And she said, "No, Daniel, over mine... "
- Karen: So what's this big news, then?
- Daisy: [excited] We've been given our parts in the nativity play. And I'm the lobster.
- Karen: The lobster?
- Daisy: Yeah!
- Karen: In the nativity play?
- Daisy: [beaming] Yeah, *first* lobster.
- Karen: There was more than one lobster present at the birth of Jesus?
- Daisy: Duh.
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