Tooth

If you've ever gone through your premium rate movie channels on a Saturday afternoon and wonder why you are paying such rates for cheap, ill conceived movies for young children, chances are you are watching a film like 'Tooth'. It's more than a coincidence, as the film itself is co-financed by US companies, known for turning a quick buck out of these Pay TV time fillers (and no doubt sensing the added plus of a UK theatrical release!)

A seemingly fun concept, along the lines of fairytale themed notions gone awary, like say 'Elf' or 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' we learn about the secret underground regime of Tooth fairies. A mostly jaded crew who employ time-consuming and unsubtle means to 'vacumn up' teeth and return cash in exchange for any 'loose tooths' left under a child's pillow. (Even your youngest child will crow 'wouldn't it be easier to just pick it up?').

How this turns a profit, is one creative bridge too far for the writer, so we quickly move on to the devious Plug who in need of a National Enquirerer-esque scandal, uses his security company to track the down Tooth Fairies and fill newspapers full of money making exposes. This is made easy for him when the bored, rule breaking fairy, Tooth, (genius name) decides to reward a poorly family with a wish of unlimited wealth, setting a crashing turn of events resulting in kidnap and the possible cancellation of Christmas.

What little creative thought used here, and trust me it is little, is undone by threadbare writing. Characters are sparsely written, with stereotypes beyond even the most basic of children's television. Once proud actors plod in, warble their lines and go, lacking any real decent personalities to get their (cough!) teeth into.

The only character worth playing in the script is Plug, put into the seemingly able hands of talented comedian Harry Enfield, who proceeds to give it the gusto of a car insurance promo. "Lock, Stock" fans will wince at Vinnie Jones whimpering the line "I'm a tooth fairy" and followers of Oscar Winner Jim Broadbent, will insist he would never have recorded his lines, if he knew they would eventually be uttered by the worst animatronic bunny this side of an old 'Doctor Who' episode! The pivotal Rabbit, sums up the entire look of the film. Cheap, with unrealistic sets and what little special effects the film does have, are vastly outshone by your average television commercial. Whenever Tooth and co. make time consuming journeys, a detail-less map appears with voice over dialogue.

It's hard to see where any of the money has gone at all, certainly not on the writer or director one suspects.

If this film has any saving grace, it's the sheer verve and energy of it's younger cast, particularly spectacular little Yasmin Paige, with the film's only savvy casting of her in the title role, who seems to be trying to wake the audience up throughout her screen time. But even all her efforts can't disguise what is an effortless ploy to trick children of their money.

Given its subject, it's apt that this utterly charmless mockery of a children's film is as much fun as a backstreet root canal.

It fancies itself a 'fantastic star-studded British fairy tale comedy', positing a mischievous tooth fairy called, er, Tooth who despairs that her kind have traded magic for technology, makes Fairytopia bankrupt two days before Christmas and sets off to find Mrs Santa Claus to relearn the old ways while a team of fairy-hunters try to catch her.

For 'star-studded' you get Harry Enfield, Richard E Grant, Stephen Fry and Vinnie Jones mugging through the bitter syrup as if they were in a school play, for 'British' read 'set in the USA with shoddy accents' and as for 'comedy' ... well, don't wait up.

Amazingly, the publicity claims: '... kids across the land will be shutting their eyes tightly and wishing for a visit from Tooth ...'. Yeah, and they also love eating Brussels sprouts, doing logorithms and going to bed early in the summer.

If you really love your kids, keep them off the harmful sugar and additives – and that's the Tooth of the matter.

Remembering my own childhood test for the existence of the Tooth Fairy by secretly placing an old baby tooth under my pillow and NOT finding it replaced by money in the morning, I hope the title of this new film "Tooth" does not stop dentist-phobes from taking themselves and their children to see this irreverent and very funny film about the battle between good and evil, social class, and industrial efficiency at the interface of the Real World and the Magic World. These fairies are not Tinkerbell or Lang's fairies in pastel tones. These fairies--such as Fat, Bitter, Stutter, Chef, Professor, and Tango Fairy--have more in common with Willy Wonka, without the meanness. These are not the fairies at the bottom of the garden but ones passing in the Real World who must rediscover their magical purposes. In this story, the Age of Man is resisted by the Age of Magic, successfully at least for a while with the help of ordinary human heroes: children and their parents. The look of the film is lush and the well-done characters are comic commentaries on modern times (e.g, Mrs. Claus using a shiny motorized scooter for the aged and infirm).

I would like to issue a little warning: beware of the positive remarks about this "film" (for lack of a better word) on the user comments page.. they all seem to have come from either the same source or from someone who has never submitted a review before, thus proving my theory that they all come from some non-too-subtle publicist. And that goes for the message board too. Tooth is flopping quite nicely at the UK box office due to it's appalling acting, cheapo special effects and gut-wrenching sentimental moments, and I'd hate to see even one person fooled into going because of one sad person's efforts (Who probably hasn't even sat through this pig-sty of a movie). Thank you. That is all.

This kind of kids film should be left to Hollywood. They know how to do them properly, and are willing to cough up an adequate budget.

Tooth has been made on a shoestring and it shows. Its been shot on what appears to be an abandoned airfield in Essex using whatever was left lying around as props; and while its quite clearly set in England, the cast of British actors are forced to adopt feeble American accents and pretend the whole farrago's taking place in some nameless US city.

I assume the producers imagine this will make it saleable to the Americans.

The story's about a Tooth Fairy called Tooth and her quest to bring back the magic that the fairies have lost, but the writers clearly aren't convinced that's a strong enough storyline because they've chucked Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny into the mix to create a confusing, patchwork plot that's neither rewarding nor entertaining.

Harry Enfield's the star of this mess, and he's about as funny as Steve Martin is these days.

I thought kids films of this quality vanished with Screen Test and The Childrens Film Foundation - clearly I was wrong.