- Darald: What's the state fish of Hawaii?
- Dwayne the Bartender: The Humuhumunukunukuapua'a. Yeah, bitch!
- Rachel Jansen: [on the phone] Peter.
- Peter Bretter: [on the phone] Sarah?
- Rachel Jansen: No, Rachel Jansen from the front desk. What's going on up there? We're getting calls about a woman crying hysterically.
- Peter Bretter: Yeah, y'know, I hear it too, it sounds like she's having a tough time. I think it's coming from the floor above me.
- Rachel Jansen: You're on the top floor.
- Peter Bretter: [apologizing] I'll try to keep it down.
- Dwayne the Bartender: He turned down a blow job from his ex-girlfriend... mid-blowjob. You know how hard that is for a man? It's called blue balls. He's like Gandhi! But better - he likes puppets!
- Aldous Snow: Awful bloody film. I say, it's just a ridiculous premise. What would happen if your mobile phone killed you? Why would a mobile phone kill anyone? Doesn't make sense. How can a mobile phone have an agenda and kill people...
- Peter Bretter: I told her that when she read the script
- Aldous Snow: Yeah, you were the voice of reason, mate.
- Peter Bretter: I tried to be, but she didn't listen.
- Aldous Snow: Going around killing people. A mobile phone, like doing murders.
- Peter Bretter: Why couldn't you just take the battery out of the phone?
- Aldous Snow: Right. That's it. The battle's over.
- Peter Bretter: Yeah, we've won.
- Aldous Snow: I hated it.
- Sarah Marshall: Well, it's not for everyone, but it...
- Peter Bretter: No, it's ridiculous. Here's my favorite scene. Hello?
- [Peter feigns death]
- Aldous Snow: Right. I could never happen.
- Sarah Marshall: It's a metaphor for addiction to technology.
- Rachel Jansen: For society, how we're reliant on technology. I get it. I'm with you.
- Aldous Snow: It's a metaphor for a crap movie.
- [after faking an orgasm to upstage Peter and Rachel in the next room]
- Aldous Snow: You're still involved with him next door, ain't ya?
- Sarah Marshall: Excuse me?
- Aldous Snow: You should've seen yourself at dinner, Sarah. Then you came back here and put on that ghastly performance. I mean I've heard that women do fake orgasms, but I've never seen one. It really deeply upset me.
- Sarah Marshall: You should've seen *yourself* at dinner.
- [Imitating Aldous's accent]
- Sarah Marshall: "Oh, I'm Aldous Snow! Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Oh no drinks for me thanks. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit!"
- Sarah Marshall: [Pointing to his tattoos]
- [In normal accent]
- Sarah Marshall: And you know what? Let me tell you something about these tattoos, okay. That is Buddhist, that is Nordic, that is Hindu, that's just gibberish. They are completely conflicting ideologies, and that does not make you a citizen of the world, it makes you full of shit!
- Aldous Snow: Was that genuine or did you fake that? Right, I'm probably gonna clear off now. I'll have a little sleep for a few hours, then I'm probably gonna go in the morning. Okay.
- Sarah Marshall: I hate your music.
- Aldous Snow: Yeah, well I fucked the housekeeper, the other day.
- Surfing Instructor: If you get bitten by a shark, you're not just gonna give up surfing, are you?
- Peter Bretter: Yeah, probably.
- Peter Bretter: [singing] Everybody hates you. Everybody wishes that you were dead. Peter you suck. Peter you suck. Peter your music is fucking terrible. Peter you suck, Peter you suck. You don't do anything of value. Peter you suck. Go write some music. But instead you sit and write these bullshit songs. It's so self-loathing. Go see a psychiatrist. I hate the psychiatrist. Go see one anyway.
- Matthew: I have a question for you real quick Mr S, I was actually meaning to ask you, what did you exactly think of my demo? Did you get it? Did you get it?
- Aldous Snow: Oh no. I was gonna listen to that, but then I just carried on living my life.
- Matthew: Just not at all?
- Aldous Snow: No I didn't, because I've got my instincts and they weren't good.
- Matthew: [whispering] Fuck you. Okay? Go fuck yourself. I can't yell right now, cause I'll get fired, and my boss ll' hear me, and then I won't be able to pay off my student loans, but you know what? You're an asshole. I fucking hate you. I bought all your records, this whole fucking time I've been trying to get you to come hang out with me. I'm gonna have people fuck with your food the rest of your trip! You fucking dick!
- [leaves]
- Aldous Snow: I like him. That's quite moving.
- Aldous Snow: [holding a single sandal] I've lost a shoe... have you seen it anywhere? Excuse me, missus, I've lost a shoe... like this one. It's like this one's fellow... it's sort of the exact opposite in fact of that - not an evil version but just, you know, a shoe like this... but for the other foot. Otherwise I'd have two right...
- Surfing Instructor: I once saw him beat a guy up with a starfish!
- Peter Bretter: That's ridiculous.
- Surfing Instructor: That guy was me.
- Aldous Snow: How you served five years under her, I don't know. You deserve a medal, or a holiday or at least a cuddle from somebody.
- Kemo: [after Peter kills the luau pig] You can stop crying now. He's dead already.
- Peter Bretter: I'm not crying. *You* should stop crying.
- Kemo: I don't cry. I'm not a baby.
- Peter Bretter: Really? Because you look like a gigantic baby. I'm sorry, I didn't mean that at all.
- Aldous Snow: Actually, Peter, I wanted to tell you, I was listening to Sarah's iPod the other day, and amidst the interminable dross that's on that thing, I found one track that I quite liked. So I checked what it was, and it was actually one of yours, and it kind of reminded me of a dark, gothic Neil Diamond. It's great.
- Peter Bretter: That's, like, exactly what I'm going for.
- Aldous Snow: Right, yeah.
- Peter Bretter: [clearly disappointed] Fuck you're cool! It's so hard to say, because, like, I hate you in so many ways.
- Sarah Marshall: [Peter can't perform in bed] What's wrong with you?
- Peter Bretter: Nothing is *wrong* with me.
- Sarah Marshall: Okay...
- Peter Bretter: Just something doesn't feel right.
- Sarah Marshall: Okay, well did you, you know what? Did you drink today? Because sometimes when you drink...
- Peter Bretter: Excuse me. No, I haven't had anything to drink today. Maybe the problem is that you broke my heart into a million pieces and so my cock doesn't want to be around you anymore! Okay? EVER! Because you know what I just realized? You're the goddamn devil!
- Brian: Look. Liz and I, we think the world of Sarah. We think she's great. But, and I'm just being honest here, every time she would come over to our house, she always acted, you know, like a... like a little bitch. Okay, okay, okay, pump the brakes.
- Peter Bretter: Dating Sarah is not like dating Liz, okay? Sarah is better than Liz!
- Brian: You really want to have this conversation? Do you really want to have this conversation?
- Peter Bretter: Yes.
- Brian: [screaming] She is the mother of my unborn child!
- Peter Bretter: [meekly] Sorry.
- Brian: You're my step-brother! We're not even blood! I have no qualms with sticking you! I will equalize you!
- Peter Bretter: Sorry.
- Brian: You dick!
- Brian: You don't need to put your P in a V right now.
- Peter Bretter: No, I need to B my L on someone's T's.
- [Blow my Load on someone's Titties.]
- Darald: Let me just say that if God was a city planner he would not put a playground next to a sewage system!
- Brian: You gotta get your shit together, man.
- Peter Bretter: I'm trying to. It's so hard here. Brian, everywhere I look I'm reminded of her, okay? Like, she got me this, okay because I would always leave my cereal boxes open, and the cereal would get stale, and so one day I came home, and she had this waiting for me, because it keeps my cereal fresh. And now I have the freshest cereal.
- Peter Bretter: I'm having a good time with Rachel and I want to see that through.
- Aldous Snow: Maybe you can have Rachel and Sarah,they got along alright at dinner.
- Peter Bretter: I'm not that kind of guy and even if I was I don't think I have the sexual competency to pull that off.
- Aldous Snow: Yeah its a gift.
- Dwayne the Bartender: I don't understand what there is to think about.
- Rachel Jansen: Because, Dee... he...
- Dwayne the Bartender: She licked the tip. That doesn't count.
- Rachel Jansen: Of course it counts, he...
- Dwayne the Bartender: He what? He refused a blow job from his ex-girlfriend mid blow job. Do you know what that's like for a man? It's called blue balls, Rachel. This guy's like Gandhi, but better; he likes puppets. I love puppets. I love Fraggle Rock. I love Lamb Chop. I love Elmo, Sesame Street, Burt and Ernie, Snuffleupagus? Fucks my shit UP.
- [from DVD gag reel]
- Aldous Snow: [scene where Aldous is about to leave the hotel] I would rather have my testicles spread out like a wafer and then have them covered in a layer of honey and then have wasps come and sting me and then have them covered in another layer of vinegar and then have it worn as a swimming cap by a Nazi. I'd rather have that than spend another second with her.
- Peter Bretter: Is she coming this way?
- Rachel Jansen: Yep.
- Peter Bretter: I wish I wasn't wearing this fucking shirt.
- Peter Bretter: [He and Rachel are having sex as loudly as possible to annoy Sarah] She's having an orgasm!
- Sarah Marshall: Remember how we thought the killer masturbated before commiting his crimes?
- Detective Hunter Rush: Yes?
- Sarah Marshall: Take a look...
- Detective Hunter Rush: ...Looks like where he's going he'll need to know how to masturbate.
- Peter Bretter: I can see why Sarah likes you.
- Aldous Snow: No accounting for taste, I suppose, in her case, anyway.
- Peter Bretter: Well, she was with me for five years, so there you go.
- Aldous Snow: Yeah, you got four on me then, mate.
- Peter Bretter: You slept with Sarah a year ago?
- Aldous Snow: I thought you knew! Peter, please, don't take it seriously.
- Peter Bretter: What the fuck, man! You...
- Aldous Snow: Don't get offended by that.
- Peter Bretter: You can't be so casual about this! This isn't Europe, okay? There are rules here!
- Sarah Marshall: When were you planning on telling me this?
- Aldous Snow: I just told you, then.
- Sarah Marshall: Yeah. No, I know. But telling me now isn't really the same as telling me.
- Aldous Snow: Well, look, you know, I've not told you I've got genital herpes, because it's not inflamed at the moment...
- Rachel Jansen: [She is in the water, and daring Peter to dive off a cliff, into the water] Oh, come on, Peter. I can see your vagina from here!
- Aldous Snow: I mean, I've heard that women do fake orgasms, but I've never seen it... It really, deeply upset me.
- Sarah Marshall: [lifts up the sheet] What do you think, Rush?
- Detective Hunter Rush: [cringes] It's going to be hard for her to reenter the pageant... without a face.
- Sarah Marshall: What are you doing here?
- Peter Bretter: Came here to murder you
- Peter Bretter: [laughs]
- Kemo: Sarah Marshall.
- Peter Bretter: Yes. How did you know I was dating Sarah Marshall?
- Kemo: Dwayne told me. Chuck told me. Even Rachel told me. I heard about it from everybody. You gotta stop talking about it. It's like "the Sopranos." It's *over*. Find a new show.
- Rachel Jansen: [about his rock opera] Why Dracula?
- Peter Bretter: Because he's a man like anyone else. He just wants to be loved. And every time he gets close to a human woman, he ends up smothering and killing her, which is a feeling I am familiar with.
- Gag Me Girl: Hi.
- Peter Bretter: Hi.
- Gag Me Girl: Hi.
- Peter Bretter: Hi.
- Gag Me Girl: Hi.
- Peter Bretter: Okay, do you mind not saying that over and over again?
- Gag Me Girl: You can gag me.
- Peter Bretter: You brought a gag?
- Gag Me Girl: And handcuffs. Do you wanna gag me?
- Peter Bretter: Kind of, now.
- Matthew: [on the phone at the restaurant] Well I would love to sell you some weed, Jeremy, but I'm at my fucking job right now. Obviously, because you called me at work, you know that I'm at my place of *work,* so I can't just leave here and sell you some weed. I can sell you some weed when I'm done.
- Surfing Instructor: Aloha, man. My name's Koonu.
- Peter Bretter: I know, we met duing the surf lesson!
- Surfing Instructor: Oh right, you're that guy who works for Kaiser Permanente!
- Peter Bretter: No, I'm Peter! We had a really nice talk out on the water!
- Surfing Instructor: Oh.
- [pause]
- Surfing Instructor: Coooool.
- Peter Bretter: Hey are you Chuck?
- Surfing Instructor: Man they won't change that stupid flyer, Chuck's my mainland name, my Hawaiian names Koodu
- Peter Bretter: Oh sorry
- Surfing Instructor: Its cool, its all good
- Peter Bretter: So does Koodu have some cool Hawaiian meaning?
- Surfing Instructor: It means Chuck
- Peter Bretter: [singing] Everybody hates you. Everybody wishes that you were dead. Peter you suck. Peter you suck. Peter your music is fucking terrible. Peter you suck, Peter you suck. Peter you don't do anything of value. Peter you suck. Go write some music, but instead you sit and write these bullshit songs. It's so self-loathing, go see a psychiatrist. I hate the psychiatrist. Well go see one anyway. I'm not going!
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