Shark Week

To be fair, I only got to see the last 40 minutes, but that was enough to make this one of the absolute WORST movies I've ever seen (and I've seen a lot of really stinky movies, mostly by Asylum, but all the classic stinkers too like Manos).

Patrick Bergin and Yancy Butler (who seems to have a nervous eye flutter) play a psycho couple who live in a giant mansion but spend most of their time in what appears to be a broom closet decked out with some lap tops and not-so-big video screens. They are forcing some none-too-bright people to make their way through deadly shark encounters which all look like they can be easily be avoided by simply NOT GOING WHERE THE SHARKS ARE.

There's also some land mines on a beach that are easily seen and can be outrun once they start exploding but are handy for carrying with you in case you have to hang onto a stalagmite while fending off a really hideous CG shark.

Calling the acting wooden is an insult to wood. The music is incessantly wrong for the "action" and the direction and editing are hilarious (lots of scenes of people walking and emoting for no apparent reason).

But it is a hoot to make fun of while you're watching it. I hope that all involved get better at what they're doing or find other lines of work.

During the opening credits, a muscular man appears in chains. The key to escape is thrown into a swimming pool by cigar-smoking Patrick Bergin (as Tiburon). Unfortunately, there is also a shark in the pool. Next we see people abducted in Los Angeles, Malibu, Echo Park, Culver City, Venice Beach and Long Beach. The abductor is Mr. Bergin. He has eight victims to throw into his shark-infested swimming pool. If they escape, there is another test. Each test involves more vicious sharks. This is a tame swipe of the mega-violent "Saw" film series. Bergin's criminal partner is mini-skirted Yancy Butler (as Elena). They hold each other up and blink their eyes very slowly, like they've just seen this flicker across the screen.

** Shark Week (8/4/12) Christopher Ray ~ Patrick Bergin, Yancy Butler, Erin Coker, Josh Allen

Well before you sit down to watch "Shark Week", you already know exactly what kind of movie you will be in for, and you know exactly what to (and what not to) expect from a movie such as this.

And on that account "Shark Week" delivers. You know what you are getting here. And the package is complete with a ridiculous story, poor CGI, rigid acting and stereotypical character gallery. So no surprises on that account.

First of all let's look at the story. A group of people have been captured by a rich mad man for some reason which actually never comes to see the light of day. And they are to compete in his demented contests that include sharks and people dying one by one, if they are to survive and make it off the Island. Wow, really? Oh my, what originality and what creativity. Oscar worthy? Hardly so...

Then we have the CGI and special effects. Well, let's just say that it didn't even look like the people hired to do the effects were trying all that hard. Either that, or they didn't have enough money, training to do it better or the equipment to do it right with. I am guessing it was a lack of funding. The effects in "Shark Week" were atrocious actually, and at no point do you really buy into the effects. But of course, you already know what you went into here with a movie such as this.

Don't count on seeing anyone familiar or famous in this movie. And those people who were on the cast list, weren't exactly standing in line to harvest awards for this movie, let's just leave it at that.

The characters in the movie were one-dimensional and showed about as much personality as wet cardboard. So you never really rooted for anyone of the characters, nor did you care when one of them died in a most laughable way of questionable effects.

I do enjoy shark movies, and creature features in general, but the shark genre tend to be ridden with movies that are of questionable value and either lacks proper effects or just use actual footage of sharks in the ocean and then reverse pan the angle to differentiate on using the same shot over and over. "Shark Week" is hardly a noteworthy addition to the shark genre.

So why do we keep watching these movies? Well, on the off chance that they actually turn out to be a surprise and a hidden gem in a vast ocean of otherwise questionable movies. Or because there is just something amusing and perverse in sitting down to watch these laughable movies. Sometimes they are so bad that they actually are fun. "Shark Week" wasn't one of those times...

Awakening to find themselves trapped on an island, a group learns they are to be subjected to a series of encounters with the host's collection of deadly, ravenous sharks to be able to leave the area alive.

Overall this one was an absolutely terrible killer shark film that really has so little going for it that it's almost unwatchable. The biggest issue with this one comes from its idea of utilizing the creatures as obstacles that must be overcome by the group in order to survive to the next trap, effectively rendering them into a state equal to a Torture Film set-up. It's basically turning the film and the creatures into a simple slasher effort only replacing the species as it's sharks instead of a human killer which is so insulting to their existence that it effectively kills whatever fear they might have as the end result robs their specialness in the most ludicrous way possible. This basically keeps the film running along into a singular mode here because every single set-up is the same thing only done in a different cave with different sharks so the results are incredibly underwhelming. Another problem here is that the idea for the madman's scheme for revenge is so laughable that it's impossible to think it's meant to be taken seriously and really makes this one quite a challenge to even get into the concept for the film. Beyond this, another big problem here is the whole affair is mired in a series of sloppy, utterly atrocious CGI effects that are utterly terrible by having such an obstruction of the action with their rampant blurriness and darkness due to being filmed in pitch-black that they're almost impossible to make out and have no lasting impact. These here are the film's flaws which are enough to really lower this one down significantly enough that the positives here are barely even registered. What does seem to work here is the near continuous action present as this one goes about the encounters in a quick enough fashion that there's enough to keep from being bored along the way. There's a few really exciting ambushes in the caves along the way here that do rely on some ingenuity to escape, and these here go get really bloody and brutal as well which get quite exciting. As well, it does have some great pains involved in laying out the mystery and trying to get it going, as this does take a while to get the point of what they're doing rather nicely. Beyond this, there's nothing else in this worthwhile.

Rated R: Graphic Violence and Language.

Novel idea features an eccentric worry-bead clutching millionaire who subjects a group of people to a perverted game in which they're hunted down by sharks to atone for the death of his son. Irish former leading man Bergin unfortunately has little to do but look intermittently distant or crazed, as he monitors the group's movements via CCTV. How he knows where to position the cameras - and the fact that they appear to move - is but one of the many questions this film prompts you to consider. Apart from Bergin, the only faces I recognised was Coker (who appears in other films by The Asylum), and Butler playing Bergin's highly aggressive girlfriend.

Abysmal CGI effects although there does appear to be at least one rubber shark if that makes any difference, most of the action occurs between the characters as the emerging friction causes tension and poor decision making leading to inevitable results. The poor sap in the Gucci flip flops who hands his fellow castaways shark teeth with which to make spears they'll use to defend themselves against the sharks is both a touching gesture, and a predictably feeble one as we soon discover.

Some of the situations imagined for Bergin's 'obstacle course' are vaguely interesting, but most are just hackneyed and repetitive taking place in a darkened cave. Puerile dialogue and continuity/ editing issues (note the constantly changing footwear worn by some of the cast, or the overhead power lines on the supposedly remote island) even if you're a shark attack movie devotee, 'Shark Week' is comically bad and one to avoid.