Rats can't vomit and I can't walk out of films. Normally that's not an issue. In this case I had to remind myself of that throughout and take increasingly frequent glances at my watch to see how much time was left before I could leave while muttering "Please, please let it stop" under my breath. Poor special effects, a ridiculous storyline, appalling dialogue and terrible acting (but, to be fair, the actors really didn't stand a chance from the get go in this one). Apparently, within a generation, our future selves have divided into scientifically and technologically gifted guitar playing peace loving Eco hippies who still pray before meals and testosterone driven Ghenghis Khan ninja style combat loving Mongolian warriors who talk in suitably archaic language about their clan, fortresses, honour and the glory of battle. (Talking of ninjas the film is written and directed by Eric Small, who was the assistant director of "3 Ninjas: Knuckle Up" (1995) IMDb rating 3.9). Between them you've got what I guess the film makers would like to call a doomed romance "Romeo and Juliet" sub plot going on. I very quickly wished all of them had died in the apocalypse like apparently everyone else on CGI planet. Ninety one minutes of watching a frozen empty landscape would have been more entertaining. Sometimes a film can be so unintentionally bad that it exerts a mesmerising and highly entertaining fascination all of it's own, like watching a train wreck. This isn't one of them. The Christmas turkey has definitely come early this year. Please be kind to yourself people and stay far, far, away. There are better, more life affirming and rewarding, ways of wasting 91 minutes of your all too short existence. Book a root canal treatment and turn up early, go to your train station and deliberately miss your train, try to read a book written in a language you don't know, go shopping and leave your wallet at home, start a collection of interesting things you find on your sidewalk, go out and start saying hello to people you've never met, see how many hot dogs you can eat before you throw up ... anything but this. If you see any ratings higher than 3 then I suggest you check out just how many other ratings the reviewer has submitted. My guess would be just one, glowing, for this film and this film only. My score 1/10, simply because IMDb won't let me go any lower. For clarity, that means that "3 Ninjas: Knuckle Up" (1995) is 4 times better than this! In conclusion, just about every other film I've seen in my whole wasted movie watching life was better than this one. This is the kind of film that makes you wish film had never been invented. Finally, the "end" of the film directly suggests there will be a sequel. If there is a God ... there won't.
Postscript: 25 days later 4 reviewers have given it a 10, making it obviously one of the greatest films they have ever seen. They are either: a) Masochists who need serious help; b) Sadists who want you to suffer the way I suffered; c) in the pay of those responsible for this monstrosity; d) a combination of the former. Despite this it's still pulling a (grossly exaggerated) score of 3.7 on the crapiness index. IMDb - you really need to do something about these people!
