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I have just finished watching "Open Water," which I rented today. From all of the reviews and advertisements, I thought I was in for a rip-roaring shocker! This has to be one of the dullest and most insomnia-inducing movies that I have ever witnessed. Boring in the extreme, although it is a better film than "Jaws: The Revenge." (Then again, anything is better than "Jaws: The Revenge.") I am a serious film lover, and I was extremely let down by "Open Water." Who thought that this was scary? NOTHING HAPPENED! It would be a terrifying situation to be stranded in the middle of the sea and be surrounded by sharks, but we must witness scene after scene of dialogue that seems to have been stolen from "Days Of Our Lives." The critical praising that was heaped on this film staggers me.

Gus Van Sant has directed some truly brilliant films. His directorial credits include "My Own Private Idaho," "To Die For," "Drugstore Cowboy," and, most recently, the audacious and thought-provoking allegory of school violence, "Elephant." He also was the executive producer of the infamous, eye-opening "Kids." However, his reputation took a tumble with the needless, colorized shot-by-shot remake of Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho," with Vince Vaughn standing in for Anthony Perkins! However, "Even Cowgirls Get The Blues" goes down in history as one of the most witless, undramatic, incoherent, dumbest, laziest, and plot less films ever to be released upon the public. The counter-culture novel by Tom Robbins is 100% trashed here. The novel shouldn't have been filmed at such a late date anyway. Or, perhaps, it shouldn't have been filmed at all.

Uma Thurman stars as Sissy Hankshaw, who somehow is a professional hitch-hiker (remember the book is set in the 60's; the movie makes no attempt to let us know exactly what time period this is supposed to be) who manages to get easy rides by sticking out her bulging, grossly large thumb. Yeah, that pulls the guys over every time.

Sissy meets up with an insane slew of Hollywood stars who seem to be doing a special favor for Van Sandt. Meandering around are Roseanne Barr, John Hurt, Keanu Reeves, Crispin Glover, Carol Kane, and...are you ready...Angie Dickinson! For unknown reasons, Sissy hitches a ride to a "feminist ranch" that pampers spa services to rich women. For further unknown reasons, there's a gaggle of "cowgirls" living and working on the ranch, led by Rain Phoenix as "Bonanza Jellybean." What results is nothing...nothing at all. There is not even the slightest story to speak of. The film seems to have been edited with duct tape. Van Sandt reportedly re-edited this film furiously after it was "booed" off of the screen at various premieres. I would love to see what he cut out. He would have been better off just completely scrapping this project.

But Van Sant is all forgiven for this travesty. He has gone on to prove himself as a solid director/producer. "Even Cowgirls Get The Blues" is probably the only Gus Van Sant film that you can get for $2.00 out of a bargain bin at Family Dollar.

I'll just cut to the chase. The main problem with "The Basketball Diaries" is that viewers of the film are never certain as to exactly what time period this story takes place. If you have read Jim Carrol's staggering memoirs, "Basketball Diaries," you will know that he was writing his totally drug-drenched 70's and 80's memoirs.

This film version doesn't know quite how to play it. There are times when the characters act like 1990's kids, and other scenes that seem to be stuck in the 60's.

As the film opens, Jim (Leonardo DiCaprio) and his best friends are getting plastered by sniffing cleaning fluid. What day and age is this? In the next scene, we see Jim and all of his friends getting prepared for a big game. Mark Wahlberg (formerly "Marky Mark") is astonishing as Mickey, Jim's best friend, who provides pills to the team, resulting in a scene that has become a classic...everyone on drugs attempting to play basketball to the tune of The Doors classic "The End." What destroys this film is that the script falls apart early on and the characters leap from one personality to another..from one situation to another...with no development.

Tons of futile plot twists and confusing musical decades are packed into this film. Neutron (Patrick MacGaw) seems to be the most sensible of the group. He shouts angrily at the ball team for using drugs, YET.. in the scene JUST BEFORE THIS, Neutron is wearing a ski-mask and helps his friends assault an older lady so that they can get cash for heroin. The editing and art direction are deliriously wrong. Before it's all over, Juliette Lewis shows up as a heroin whore, who becomes pure and clean (with no explanation) and tosses pretzels at Leonardo; Ernie Hudson is a black man who plays basketball with Jim, and later tries to come to the rescue when he declares, "You were frozen in the snow like a goddamn fuge-sicle!" Lorraine Bracco ("The Sopranos") goes nuts in the few scenes that she is in. She's screaming at Leo about the pills she found in his room. Bracco wails, "What are you gonna tell me? That they're VITAMINS???" It all ends with Jim going to prison and learning his lesson. There is nothing really wrong with this movie unless you know the real story. Jim Caroll's stunning memoir, "Basketball Diaries," takes you deep into a harrowing world. This movie just barely scratches the surface.