Growing up as an undiagnosed AuDHD kid, in time where the knowledge of Autism and ADHD was more limited than it is these days… I had to deal with many issues, some of them were focused on me not being good enough. I didn’t understand things well enough, the way I saw and experienced things were always “off”, my solutions (however right they were) were dismissed because I didn’t follow the right way to get there… 🤔

I’ve never been one to be very tidy. Mum always said that if I kept it messy, then I’d lose things. But I always knew where my things were. And in my eyes it wasn’t that bad… When I got older, I struggled with cleaning. It was often “good enough” for me, and I’d only make a big effort if I would get visitors. But my “ok enough” was never deemed good enough by the partners I had. However hard I tried, I always failed to meet their standards. It was never worthy of compliment. Or even a thank you, as they all just saw it as my job to keep the home clean…

When I got divorced, I was in a big black hole, and I just didn’t care at all. The only one I did worry about was me taking care of Arwen. During the darkest period of my life, I felt like I was failing her constantly. And that hurt me even more than anything else… 😭

I got more health issues as I got older. When I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in 2014, it changed a lot… In 2016 I found out that all these weird movements of my body had a name as well, hypermobility. I’ve had been dealing with Raynauds since I was 18, so yeah… Not to mention the hip issues and all the surgeries I had since 2017…

It became harder for me to take care of the cleaning chores. And, my now diagnosed AuDHD wasn’t always kind to me as well. I would be totally motivated to get this cleaning chore done, and then, when the time came, I would be too distracted, or I would be in discomfort due to (muslce) pain. I was struggling just to do the basic things, and in the back of my head, I could still hear the patronizing voices of the past, telling me I wasn’t doing it good enough. And those bad memories, they would trigger loads of emotions, making it even harder to deal with the chores at hand.

It’s not “just” with the cleaning chores, but they are the ones that trigger me the most still. When I see the floor needs a mopping, or a hoover. When I see dust on the shelves. When the pile of laundry definitely needs a spin in the machine, or when the laundry that’s been done needs a fold and cleanup. I used to be even worse with the dishes, but since the move, I have a dishwasher and, wow, that makes a huge difference for me (and my hands).

When I do something, there are always those voices telling me I need to do better than my best, because whenever I say that I’ll do my best, those voices just know that it won’t be good enough for them. And it hurts. It makes me angry, mostly with myself, for allowing the voices to have such a big power over me. It also makes me angry because I should be OK with “just my best”, as it’s my house, it’s my life, and if I am trying my hardest, that should be good enough for not just me, but for others as well. Should they need things to be done better, they are free to make that happen. But I am also disappointed in myself. I am 44 and still can’t do things “good enough”, according to those voices in the back of my head. There is still a power in there that has such control over me. And when I hear those voices, I get triggered on so many levels…

I should have found a way to strip the power away from those voices in my head. I should have found a way to dismiss them once and for all. They belong to the past, the belong to the trauma of bad things in relationships that I used to have. But I can’t seem to get rid of them, they keep following me wherever I go and with whatever I do. Even after over 6 years of being on my own, I am still fighting with the “it’s not good enough” when I try to clean… And, to be honest, it makes me even more reluctant in wanting to clean. Because I know I will be judged again, I now I should do better and try harder, and I know I will fail time and time again.

Dealing with past trauma is hard. Especially when it’s been with you for so long. Teachers at school, other adults in my life that should have been there for me, other kids at school, collegues, partners… Everywhere I went for so many years, there was always the “yeah, I guess it’s fine, but…” following me aound. If it were good enough to actually be fine. And… I just hate it!

flic.kr/p/2qHq54H

I know that I am not a cleaning master. And I will never be one, cause “good enough” is enough for me. When I know visitors are coming, I will go out of my way to make it “more than good enough”. Not because those friends will judge me if my home is too messy, but because I will judge myself when the home is “just” my OK enough. Somehow, I feel like my friends deserve better than that good enough. If that makes any sense… 🤔

I know I am doing my best, even when it feels like I am not. I mean, I know I want to give the full 100% all of the time, but let’s face it, my body (and brain) aren’t made to be going on 100% all the time. There was a time where I would push myself to try to get beyond that, to keep going, no matter what the costs… But with all the physical health issues, I have learned that some days, giving the full 20% is good enough as well. But learning this doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle with it anymore. Because the ADHD still wants to go get that full 100 percent, and it struggles to accept that my body cannot handle that anymore. Even after +10 years of living with Fibromyalgia.

I am my own worst critic, partially due to those voices of the past still lingering in the back of my brain. “You need to do better”, “you need to do more”, “you’re so lazy and you never want to take responsibility for the chores”, and so on, and so on… I do know that it’s OK when I can give that 20% today. But I just want to do better. I need to do better. My active brain is my body’s worst enemy.

It’s been so many years of dealing with a failing body. It’s been a little less years of being away from the bad voices that fed the trauma in my head… And it’s still hard, it’s still a daily struggle. I know I need to do the chores, I know I am the only one who can do them here, but some days, I just don’t have the spoons nor the motivation. And then I feel guilty for lying on the couch, instead of doing the chores…

I guess I will be dealing with this for quite some time to come. I will keep being my worst enemy, with the bad voices lingering in my head. Step by step, I guess, day by day… I know I am not as bad as some people made me believe for so many years. I am free now. And I am doing things my way. And hopefully, one day, I will be able to be less judgemental towards myself… 🤞🏻

To be continued…

Thank you for your interest in my blog. I really appreciate your visit. If you like my posts and you want to share them on your social media, please, feel free to do so! I’d be honored. If you don’t want to miss a thing, press the follow button (you’ll need to be a signed in WP user) or scroll down and leave your email below this post. If you are a WP user and you would like me to know you liked my post, press the star/like button please. Thanks ever so much! Of course comments are welcome as well, but spam won’t get shared, so don’t bother…

Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni 🌹

I am living on a disability income and don’t generate an income with my blog. If you would like to support me and my work, I’d greatly appreciate it. Every bit helps me tremendously. For more information and a donation link, please check out ko-fi.com/PlaystationPixy

If you prefer to use PayPal, that’s also a possibility: PayPal.me/SuperCynni

Thanks ever so much 💜

Does Donald Trump Appeal To Men With Peener Insecurity? NYU Did Science To It! – Wonkette

This article is one written for my own heart: it’s psychologiey, snarky, sarcasticky, and profaney. But wait, there’s more: it has dick jokes AND it reports the science as it actually is not how we want it to be as is so often the case in the reporting on science.

I saw a link post by a twit on Twitter that described it as science fact! OMG all of the Ol’ Pussy Grabber’s supporters have small dicks! As Doc Zoom makes clear in his reporting on the matter that there is a correlation between a proxy variable for penis-size concerns and voting for the Ol’ Pussy Grabber who doesn’t have any concern about the size of his member and his hands are normal-sized hands stop staring!

There may or may not be a strong connection between googling Viagra, penis pumps, and penis enlargement surgery and penis insecurity. However, these areas also have some of the highest porn searches conducted in the country, which means these guys are all looking at the horse cocks used in porn flicks and having their perspective bent out of shape. You ever realize that? Most straight men rarely see the dicks of other men and certainly rarely see another man’s erection except for in porn. Men’s perception of average penis size is so distorted that they don’t realize that flaccid size is not a good indicator of erection size. The truth is, science fact, the smaller the flaccid penis, the more likely it will grow six to ten times its size when erect. The larger the flaccid penis, the more likely it will not grow at all or only double in size. Rest assured fellows, the world-wide average erection is four to six inches regardless of race, creed, or country of origin.

So, relax, and go work on your technique which is were most of the action comes from anyway.

And, libs, it ain’t nice to make fun of people for attributes that they can’t change including the size of your dick. We’re better than that. That’s what the other side does. We’ve internalized our values and refrain from such cruel bullying tactics.

Does Donald Trump Appeal To Men With Peener Insecurity? NYU Did Science To It!

Doktor ZoomNovember 30, 2018

Real science, plus dick jokes.

In one of the more intriguing bits of science we’ve seen lately, a couple of New York University researchers have done a brief study exploring whether Donald Trump’s calculated expressions of machismo just might have attracted a lot of male voters who may actually be less than fully confident in their masculinity. Basically, the study looks at Google search trends for terms that might indicate worries about masculinity, and correlates that with areas of the country that went to Trump in 2016. Whatever larger studies may be generated from this seminal project, the researcher should prepare to get some very angry hate male mail from the Internet Flying Monkey Brigade, since Trump supporters are VERY MANLY, FUCK YOU, SHUT UP.

The researchers, NYU social psych prof Eric Knowles and psych PhD student Sarah DiMuccio, are happy to acknowledge their study is only “correlational” — they find a statistical correlation, but haven’t proven causality at all, and they say more work would need to be done to really prove any such link. Still, their “fragile masculinity hypothesis” isn’t completely made up out of nothing — they aren’t pretending this is a fully-realized Science Fact, but they have some intriguing data.

The piece starts off with a reasonable enough set of background information:

Research shows that many men feel pressure to look and behave in stereotypically masculine ways — or risk losing their status as “real men.” Masculine expectations are socialized from early childhood and can motivate men to embrace traditional male behaviors while avoiding even the hint of femininity. This unforgiving standard of maleness makes some men worry that they’re falling short. These men are said to experience “fragile masculinity.”

The political process provides a way that fragile men can reaffirm their masculinity. By supporting tough politicians and policies, men can reassure others (and themselves) of their own manliness. For example, sociologist Robb Willer has shown that men whose sense of masculinity was threatened increased their support for aggressive foreign policy.

Sounds good so far. And Trump sure has made aggression and toughness a key part of his persona, what with all the calls to send protesters away on a stretcher and the casual misogyny. So how on earth do you try to measure whether voters actually are actually worried about their masculinity? There’s the problem, and as Knowles and DiMuccio note, you can’t exactly expect guys who question their manhood to answer accurately if you ask “are you confident in your manliness, you big hunk?” And presumably a look at sales of huge 4X4 pickups would rely too much on stereotypes. (DO THAT ONE NEXT!)

Continue reading at Wonkette: Does Donald Trump Appeal To Men With Peener Insecurity? NYU Did Science To It! – Wonkette

#DocZoom #Erection #Insecurity #Penis #ReBlog #Science #ScienceFact #Trump #Wonkette

Through Gaia’s Eyes – Nature Balances Herself: Eve of Destruction or Global Healing Crisis

Through Gaia’s Eyes — Nature Balances Herself: Eve of Destruction or Global Healing Crisis

Eden Arise — The More Natural Self

Many have proclaimed, in these strange days, that it is our Western estrangement from Mother Nature—our particular need to control—that is at the core of the threats to the end of life on this planet. In such a case, one needs to regain harmony with Nature and acquire a consciousness of cooperation, not control.

It’s Cooperative Not Controlling

As Grof has claimed—and my personal experience attests—such a cooperative human nature is indeed our most fundamental human nature. In contrast to the “me versus them,” aggressive, and competitive imprint that is derived from our traumatic and premature human births, this more fundamental human nature is the result of a more fundamental imprint of symbiosis with the Other, as was the case in the womb surround during the relatively blissful prenatal period. The relation of the fetus to the mother at that time is one of cooperation, all needs met, flow in <——> flow out, and synergy of intents.

And when, as an adult, we reconnect with this more fundamental human nature, this more fundamental imprint, it manifests in us as a tendency toward that same kind of reciprocal relationship—cooperative, synergistic, and mutually beneficial. Only, as an adult, the Other with which this reciprocal relationship is had is Society and Nature. For these bear the same characteristics and relation to the adult as the womb did to the fetus.

Our More Fundamental Human Nature—Back to Eden

Furthermore, as Grof and I and many others have discovered, such a more positive human nature occurs naturally in a person when they have faced, reexperienced, and integrated their perinatal unconscious…as opposed to what is usually done, which is, completely denying it, projecting it on a scapegoat or enemy and engaging in wars and social violence.

So it is the recovery of this sort of more fundamental human nature—one in which we are in cooperative and mutually beneficial relationship with Nature, all life on this planet, and other humans—that would remove us from the brink of extinction.

Looking Through Gaia’s Eyes

When you think of it, when you consider that all of Nature—the whole planet, Gaia—is threatened by the actions of our species, and that that Nature would want to avoid this by balancing the elements that are currently skewed, it may be just the kind of global situation we see now around us that Nature would need to create in order to save “HerSelf.” It’s simple: We either change or die. Hey, why the long face!? If Gaia doesn’t look out for HerSelf, who will?

Acting Out

[strong]Granted, some people are not dealing in a healthy or positive way with the material that is arising. Instead of re-doing their basic programming, these people “act out.” Thus we have increased crime, aggression, hostility, one person against another. [/strong]

[strong][strong][/strong]And this fact is glaringly apparent in our big cities, where many who are not integrating this emerging information from outside their ego boundaries—from the unconscious—sadly are instead venting the energy of their pain—which our degenerating environment is opening up to them or giving them access to—in violent, destructive, wasteful, self-destructive, and pathetic ways.[/strong]

[strong][strong][/strong]One can also look to the grasping at racism, nationalism, and fundamentalism, which are not primarily urban phenomena by any means. These conduits of hatefulness are also a response that people are using to the feelings of pain, uncertainty, insecurity, and doubt that rise up, especially initially, in conjunction with these emerging truths. [/strong]

Similarly, a great majority of people in general in our society are using drugs of one form or other to gloss over and obscure this emerging material rather than facing and integrating it. All in all these kinds of responses add up to a tragedy. And it is something that, if these reactions end up prevailing, could actually do every one of us in. [Footnote 1]

Helping Out

But about these others, what can we do—those of us who are changing our programming and creating new cultural patterns? It may be practical and advisable much of the time to just get out of their way if [strong][strong][/strong]the ones acting out choose to kill each other off. [/strong]

But we are often not able to “get out of the [strong]way” of those who are trapped in negativity. In addition, since we are all interconnected, we are bound to at least be indirectly affected by their actions. [/strong]

[strong]And most importantly, since we are One and these others are actually ourselves in different garb, to the extent we are able to show compassion and be of assistance, we should not always want to step aside. I begin taking this up in the next chapter, “Derailing the Cycles of War and Violence.” I discuss more fully how exactly we can be helpful to these others, in both small and large ways. [/strong]

“Eve of Destruction” or Scenery of Healing?

To put the current chapter’s theme another way: If we were to concoct a world situation in which we would be forced to take a quantum step in consciousness evolution by healing the nefarious elements of our perinatal unconscious, would not that world situation look something like what we see around us today? Would it not be a world rife with obvious perinatal elements…and influences…with some people resolving and thus being healed of them? While others would act them out and self-destruct because of them…not to mention contributing to our collective global self-destruction, as mentioned earlier?

[strong]In other words, the situation today, as it looks, could as easily be seen as a prologue to an apocalypse and just as easily be seen as a healing crisis preceding a massive consciousness transformation. Put another way, this same situation can be seen by one person as the “eve of destruction” and another as the “scenery of healing on the pathway to peace.” So which will it be? [/strong]

In the next and final chapters of this book we will take a look at what are the most likely possibilities for ourselves and our planet, considering all that has been said so far. We will bring together all that we now know to conjecture: Apocalypse? Or Earth rebirth?

Footnote

1. See also “Are Some ‘Sick’ People More Healthy Than Normals?” on the Primal Spirit site.

Continue with Men Would Rather Be Manly Than Alive and What Say We Leave a Planet for Our Offspring? Derailing War and Violence, Part 1

Return toEden Arise: Consciousness Revolution as We Rediscover Our Natural Self — A Deeper, More Cooperative Nature

Invite you to join me on Twitter:
twitter.com/sillymickel

friend me on Facebook: facebook.com/sillymickel

#actOut #adult #aggression #apocalypse #birth #child #climate #compassion #competition #consciousness #consciousnessEvolution #control #cooperation #crim #culture #death #denial #die #doubt #drugs #earth #Eden #ego #endOfLife #enemy #Environment #EveOfDestruction #experience #extinction #fetus #fukushima #fundamentalism #gaia #hate #healingCrisis #health #hell #hostility #human #humanNature #humanRights #humans #imprint #insecurity #integration #life #mother #MotherNature #nationalism #naturalSelf #nature #negativity #nuclear #oxygen #pain #pattern #peace #perinatal #planet #politics #positive #prematurity #prenatal #prenate #programming #projection #psychology #quantumLeap #racism #rebirth #reciprocity #recovery #reexperience #relationship #scapegoat #sceneryOfHealing #science #Self #selfDestruction #society #species #StanislavGrof #symbiosis #synergy #tendency #tragedy #transformation #trauma #truth #uncertainty #unconscious #violence #war #womb

Apocalypse - NO!

2012-07-02 22:17:53

Eden Arise: Consciousness Revolution as We Rediscover Our Natural Self — A Deeper, More Cooperative Nature

Moratorium and Death as an Ally: Apocalypse Is the Teacher to Wake Us and Return Us to Eden, Our Natural Self

Back to the Drawing Board for Our Species

But the consequences of all these factors taken together are inescapable: As we edge our way, in a myriad of ways, toward global destruction, we increasingly “sicken” ourselves both physically and [strong][strong][/strong]emotionally/ mentally in the process. And this “sickening” is one of an eruption of unconscious material that causes us to psychologically “return to the drawing board” and seek solutions—both inner and outer—to our misery. [/strong]

Down Can Be Up

Specifically, I am saying that inhibited brain functioning—whether through oxygen depletion, heavy metal toxicity, or other environmental anomalies—has the effect of heightened “mind” functioning…in the sense, at least, of lowered ego and defensive functioning. Thus, in the same way that psychedelic substances can open us to repressed perspectives by inhibiting “brain” activity, these environmental changes can be helpful in the sense of opening us up to suppressed individual…and global/universal…truth.

Therefore this “sickening,” this seeming decline or going down, can really be an “up”—in other words, it can be viewed as part of a necessary “negative” retreat for the purpose of bringing in new information and re-evaluation. And we may then create anew our more harmonious ecological role based upon this more accurate information.

Now, I am not espousing environmental poisoning as a technique of higher consciousness. But I am saying that apparently Nature…and we are part of Her…has ways of balancing HerSelf.

Death As An Ally

In this respect I might note that our co-habitation with the bomb and with environmental destruction is a spur to our growth of consciousness in a way akin to the traditional spiritual paths that speak of the catalyzing power of “having death as an ally.” That is, that the realization of the imminent possibility of death, which is in truth our existential condition, has been known to act as a spur to taking life seriously, and spiritually, and to “waking up” in general.

“Pay Attention!”

The power of this spiritual attitude can be imagined by considering how one would live one’s life if one constantly asked oneself: “If I knew I was going to die tomorrow…or in an hour, or next minute, et cetera...how would I live this day…hour, minute…before me?”

[strong]Indeed, a lot of the transformative power of near-death experiences is known to come from their ability to jog one into awakening to the fact of one’s mortality—the precariousness of one’s biological existence. In this light, we might view environmental damage on a global scale, then, as analogous to the bonk on the head from the stick of a Zen meditation teacher, telling us to “pay attention!” [/strong]

The upshot of all this is that with this degradation of the external environment we are forced to go inward, to go back to the drawing board, so to speak, whether we want to or not. Illness in general and lowered oxygen levels in particular lead to a rising up of people’s repressed emotional pain, and they force us to confront the roots of our motivations and patterns of cultural engagement as well as our social and relational styles.

Moratorium

This “turning inward” is the essential meaning of the “peace” symbol, when you think of it. The upside-down cross pointing downward in a circle has rightly been used to symbolize “moratorium” — in other words, a period of halting of action in the world because nothing worthwhile can result from the ways we are currently doing things, and a turning away from the external world and looking inside to reevaluate. It is as if Nature, completely unbeknownst to us, balances us, pushes us down to our deepest programming and back to our earliest “grids,” individual by individual, and that this forces us to reassess our lives and causes us to create more meaningful lifestyles, more synergistic patterns.

So in a sense Nature’s reaction to our misconduct is to cause us—by means of the psychological effects induced by the biochemical alterations that are the result of environmental changes—to create new social and cultural forms. We cannot help but do this. And collectively, cumulatively, it cannot help but result in massive cultural changes of one form or another.

Eden Arise — The More Natural Self

Now, many have proclaimed, in these strange days, that it is our Western estrangement from Mother Nature—our particular need to control—that is at the core of the threats to the end of life on this planet. In such a case, one needs to regain harmony with Nature and acquire a consciousness of cooperation, not control.

It’s Cooperative Not Controlling

As Grof has claimed—and my personal experience attests—such a cooperative human nature is indeed our most fundamental human nature. In contrast to the “me versus them,” aggressive, and competitive imprint that is derived from our traumatic and premature human births, this more fundamental human nature is the result of a more fundamental imprint of symbiosis with the Other, as was the case in the womb surround during the relatively blissful prenatal period. The relation of the fetus to the mother at that time is one of cooperation, all needs met, flow in <——> flow out, and synergy of intents.

And when, as an adult, we reconnect with this more fundamental human nature, this more fundamental imprint, it manifests in us as a tendency toward that same kind of reciprocal relationship—cooperative, synergistic, and mutually beneficial. Only, as an adult, the Other with which this reciprocal relationship is had is Society and Nature. For these bear the same characteristics and relation to the adult as the womb did to the fetus.

Our More Fundamental Human Nature—Back to Eden

Furthermore, as Grof and I and many others have discovered, such a more positive human nature occurs naturally in a person when they have faced, reexperienced, and integrated their perinatal unconscious…as opposed to what is usually done, which is, completely denying it, projecting it on a scapegoat or enemy and engaging in wars and social violence.

So it is the recovery of this sort of more fundamental human nature—one in which we are in cooperative and mutually beneficial relationship with Nature, all life on this planet, and other humans—that would remove us from the brink of extinction.

Continue with Through Gaia’s Eyes – Nature Balances Herself: Eve of Destruction or Global Healing Crisis

Return to Gaia Heals HerSelf: So Far Astray and With Global Cabin Fever, We Are Forced to Look Inward and Go Back to the Drawing Board

Invite you to join me on Twitter:

friend me on Facebook: facebook.com/sillymickel

#adult #aggression #ally #anthropology #apocalypse #awaken #balance #birth #bomb #brain #brainActivity #change #climate #consciousness #consequences #control #cooperation #culture #death #defenses #die #drawingBoard #ecology #Eden #ego #emotions #endOfLife #Environment #evolution #existence #existentialism #extinction #fetus #globalDestruction #God #grids #harmony #health #heavyMetal #heavyMetalToxicity #higherConsciousness #human #humanNature #imprint #information #life #lifesytle #misery #Moratorium #mortality #MotherNature #motivations #naturalSelf #nature #nearDeathExperience #nuclear #oxygen #oxygenDepletion #pain #payAttention #peaceSymbol #perinatal #personalExperience #planet #poisoning #power #prematurity #prenatal #prenate #programming #psychedelicSubstances #psychedelics #psychology #recovery #reexperience #relationship #return #revolution #science #Self #society #solution #species #spirituality #StanislavGrof #symbiosis #synergy #teacher #toxicity #transformation #trauma #truth #unconscious #violence #wakeUp #war #womb #world #ZenTeacher

Bei Facebook anmelden

Melde dich bei Facebook an, um dich mit deinen Freunden, deiner Familie und Personen, die du kennst, zu verbinden und Inhalte zu teilen.

^Facebook