For when your entire dev team needs to be fired
NO HELP NO DOCS NO MERCY
bpf.vodka is the digital temple of the most toxic dev chat on Telegram. We built this because we can, and to prove that your "modern web stack" is fucking garbage.
- Show normies what REAL performance looks like
- Prove that your "optimized" website is bloated trash
- Create something so based it makes /g/ look like Stack Overflow
- Member's Project Execution Chamber
- Auto-scrape GitHub/GitLab profiles
- Calculate toxicity score based on commit messages
- Memory leak wall of shame
- "Time since last
any" c A3E4 ounter per member - Project performance metrics that'll make you cry
- Bundle size comparison (with public execution)
- Runtime performance graphs that'll end careers
- Auto-generate roasts based on code quality
- Realtime "most based dev" leaderboard
- Integration with Telegram for instant humiliation
Why? Because we fucking can. While you're busy writing Medium articles about your "optimized React app", we're actually building shit that works. This isn't your typical "showcase website" - it's a monument to everything wrong with modern web development, built by people who actually understand how computers work.
We're not moving our chat here because:
- Your WebSocket implementation is garbage
- Your "real-time" is a joke
- Your "optimized" bundle is larger than the entire Linux kernel
- Telegram's already perfect for our toxicity needs
This is just our temple of judgment, where we expose the sins of modern web development and show what happens when people who actually understand computers decide to flex on web dev tourists.
- Member Wall of Pain
- Git blame wall exposing everyone's crimes
- Performance metrics of personal projects
- Auto-generated roasts based on commit history
- Public shaming for using
anytype - Realtime "days since last memory leak" counter
- Tech Manifesto
- Why your favorite framework is trash
- How to write actual performant code
- Advanced TypeScript dark arts
- Kernel optimization black magic
- Memory management for brainlets
- Blog of Truth
- Weekly roasts of popular GitHub repos
- Performance war crimes exposed
- TypeScript type puzzles that'll make you cry
- Real debugging stories (normies won't understand)
- How we optimized X to death
- Performance Benchmark Arena
- Upload your site, get brutally roasted
- Real-time memory leak detection
- Bundle size comparison (with public shaming)
- CPU profile analysis that'll make you quit
- Network waterfall of shame
- Battle Arena
- Weekly code challenges (leetcode is for babies)
- Real-world performance optimization battles
- Type system gladiator fights
- Memory leak hunting competitions
- Algorithm complexity wars
Remember: We're not here to help. We're here to show what happens when actual developers get tired of your "good enough" bullshit.
- Add a projects gallery
- 5+ years of kernel development
- Can write AVX-512 assembly blindfolded
- Understands eBPF better than your family history
- Has contributed to V8 engine
- Types dreams in TypeScript
- Never used jQuery unironically
-
NO COMMENTS
- If your code needs comments, rewrite it
- Documentation is for the weak
- Types are your documentation
-
PERFORMANCE
- O(n²)? Straight to jail
- Memory leak? Death penalty
- DOM manipulation? Get therapy
- setTimeout? Find another job
-
TESTING
- 100% coverage or gtfo
- E2E tests or you're fired
- Snapshot tests = instant ban
- No mocks, test real shit
-
DEPLOYMENT
- Edge or nothing
- Zero-downtime or death
- Rollbacks must be instant
- Logs must be perfect
- 1: You're fired
- 2: Delete your account
- 3: Uninstall your OS
- 4: Move to PHP
- 5: Start a WordPress career
Don't.
If you must:
- Write perfect code
- No PRs over 100 lines
- Break any rule = permaban
- Make it fast or fuck off
Q: How do I start? A: If you have to ask, leave.
Q: Where's the documentation? A: Read the fucking types.
Q: Can I use any? A: Delete your account.
Q: Is this too complex? A: Yes. Leave.
Now fuck off and write some real code.